She filed for divorce

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After over a year since my uBPDw declared she wanted a divorce she has finally filed the petition. We "agreed" the wording for the divorce petition back in Nov17 and there's been a lot of window dressing ever since however the short document has now been sent. It was sent on Wednesday, so just under a week ago and she told me last night.

When she told me I was somewhat emotionless whereas she was quite upset. I was torn between being angry, sad and disappointed which ultimately left me a bit meehhhhh. I verbalised my torn emotions to her telling her that I had had some time to come to terms with my inability to make choices for her, that she was always free to leave and that although my future life going forward is not what I had envisioned, it wasn't one that I had anything to be afraid of and one which had a lot of promise. I told her that remaining in the house for the last 18m had not been the easy choice however a choice that I was glad that I had taken as it had given me time to build an awesome relationship with my children, I think my exact words were... ."I was a good Dad before, now I'm a f'in awesome Dad".

She said "but you think I'm sick" referring to me telling her in the middle of last year that I thought she had BPD traits, to which I replied "we're all sick" and then described aspects of me which had contributed to where we are now. "If I was a healthy whole adult, why would I tolerate xyz?".

I asked why she had stopped seeing a therapist every week and her response was "It came to a natural conclusion and I don't have time (1hr a week) to fit it in whilst working (2 days a week)". This felt like yet another lie (albeit one she believe's) (to herself), why would any therapist encourage therapy to end when no exit exit from the "abusive relationship" had been achieved... .nonsense.

I went to bed feeling calm, not happy about the situation that was being forced upon me and under no illusion that the road ahead was what I had envisioned, but one where my unique set of all round life skills makes me totally capable of chewing up and spitting out. She is a fool to let me slip from her fingers, she is a fool not only because I treated her well but because she's not capable of looking at herself, her behavior and her emotional intensity. I fear for my kids growing up in an inevitably physically and emotionally chaotic household, but these are bridges that lie ahead.

THE CAGE DOOR IS OPEN WIDE

[Enabler]

After over a year since my uBPDw declared she wanted a divorce she has finally filed the petition. We "agreed" the wording for the divorce petition back in Nov17 and there's been a lot of window dressing ever since however the short document has now been sent. It was sent on Wednesday, so just under a week ago and she told me last night.

When she told me I was somewhat emotionless whereas she was quite upset. I was torn between being angry, sad and disappointed which ultimately left me a bit meehhhhh. I verbalised my torn emotions to her telling her that I had had some time to come to terms with my inability to make choices for her, that she was always free to leave and that although my future life going forward is not what I had envisioned, it wasn't one that I had anything to be afraid of and one which had a lot of promise. I told her that remaining in the house for the last 18m had not been the easy choice however a choice that I was glad that I had taken as it had given me time to build an awesome relationship with my children, I think my exact words were... ."I was a good Dad before, now I'm a f'in awesome Dad".

She said "but you think I'm sick" referring to me telling her in the middle of last year that I thought she had BPD traits, to which I replied "we're all sick" and then described aspects of me which had contributed to where we are now. "If I was a healthy whole adult, why would I tolerate xyz?".

I asked why she had stopped seeing a therapist every week and her response was "It came to a natural conclusion and I don't have time (1hr a week) to fit it in whilst working (2 days a week)". This felt like yet another lie (albeit one she believe's) (to herself), why would any therapist encourage therapy to end when no exit exit from the "abusive relationship" had been achieved... .nonsense.

I went to bed feeling calm, not happy about the situation that was being forced upon me and under no illusion that the road ahead was what I had envisioned, but one where my unique set of all round life skills makes me totally capable of chewing up and spitting out. She is a fool to let me slip from her fingers, she is a fool not only because I treated her well but because she's not capable of looking at herself, her behavior and her emotional intensity. I fear for my kids growing up in an inevitably physically and emotionally chaotic household, but these are bridges that lie ahead.

THE CAGE DOOR IS OPEN WIDE

[IWantToLive]

I went to bed feeling calm, not happy about the situation that was being forced upon me and under no illusion that the road ahead was what I had envisioned, but one where my unique set of all round life skills makes me totally capable of chewing up and spitting out. She is a fool to let me slip from her fingers, she is a fool not only because I treated her well but because she's not capable of looking at herself, her behavior and her emotional intensity. I fear for my kids growing up in an inevitably physically and emotionally chaotic household, but these are bridges that lie ahead.

So true to me too:-(

[formflier]

     


Hang in there man... keep the focus on a relationship with your kids... .


FF

[Enabler]

Hang in there man... keep the focus on a relationship with your kids... .

Funnily enough, last nights confession came after a conversion about D9 who has been particularly horrible recently. W's assumption is that it's to do with hormones and her sensing problems with her parents relationship... .this may be contributory but my new knowledge of emotional dysregulation is certainly coming into practice. D9 is very emotionally sensitive and has always been so, considerably more so than her peers (by her own admittance). Whilst my W has been busing herself thinking about her own emotions and how terrible I am, I have been helping D9 identify and cope with those emotions in better ways than shouting and screaming at people. For the first time in years she felt like someone understood how she was feeling and rather than invalidating her feelings (especially abandonment), we named them. After a particularly open conversation the other night she beamed with excitement and talked more and more and more about a whole range of subjects.

D9 directs her anger at D7 with particular venom. D7 is very hurt and confused by the attacks and doesn't understand why she is the target of her hate.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey enabler, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, yet I admire your courage and positive attitude which bode well for the future.  That she filed the petition may have the positive effect of getting you out of limbo and allowing you to close this particular chapter.  The unknown can seem overwhelming, yet I've discovered that it is also where greater happiness can be found.  From my perspective, you are finding your path.

LuckyJim

[Red5]

Afternoon Enabler,

Very sorry to hear this news, .I have to tell you what folks told me when I was ending my first marriage some twelve years ago now, here goes... .it WILL get better my friend, hang in there, and take good care of yourself and your children.

I have been following your posts, and story for a while now, and I know of your struggles, and I understand how tough your journey has been, please know that we are all here listening, and please come here often as you can and keep us posted as to how you are doing.

Look into your future, and see the brightness and happiness that is there waiting for you, good things are coming your way Brother!, what do they always say, when one door closes, another will open for you, .you are going to be just fine!

To echo Lucky Jim, "I admire your courage and positive attitude which bode well for the future" !

Know that you and your family are in our hearts and our prayers tonight,

Red5

[Enabler]

Thanks everyone for your cheers of support, it genuinely means a lot to me, as has the advice you have all given me over the last year. Your support is possibly more meaningful since you guys get it. Many of my friends and peers have almost vilified me for not moving out, for sticking it out, for not “accepting it” and moving on. They couldn’t understand how I needed to prepare my relationship with the kids for the potential future manipulation, and couldn’t fathom why I couldn’t just see my wife as a horrible person. I’m no millennial, I don’t buy into throw away society hence why my shed has 42 bits of 1ft long timber... .you never know hey!

 I’ve had a lot of time to get comfortable with the various outcomes of this current drama and see this step as one of many in the road ahead. Ironically this move by her although emotionally very challenging is pretty easy, pretty much 2 sides of A4, a few tick boxes and £550... .and there... .it’s done. This is just the foothills of the mountain I will force her to climb with telling kids, doing the financial agreement and dividing our memories to come.

I think my reaction of meeehhhh has seriously freaked her out though, last night for the first time in a long time she has wanted to engage in pleasant conversation, her anger has subsided and a few barriers have been dropped. I think for a moment she realises that there’s only one person in her fight and struggle... .her! She’s been so busy trying to maintain a state of internal rage, enough to get her over the finish line of applying for divorce, she’s failed to notice no one is stopping her, the cage door is and always has been open.

I couldn’t have got a better performance from my kids last night if I bribed them with a trailer load of sweets. They’re all pleased to see me, enjoy my company and take great pleasure in the genuine interest I show in their lives. I’m moderately sure this invalidates W since it doesn’t fit with her view that I’m a monster... .it makes me internally ROAR!