Bf's mom has BPD and it's causing tremendous stress

[squirrellykate]

Hi I am brand new here and I need a LOT of help. I am in uncharted territory -- dealing with my boyfriend's mother who has BPD.

I am 25f and my boyfriend is a 25m. His mom is in her mid fifties. My boyfriend has never not lived at home but since we started dating he had been planning to purchase a small condo. He has severe depression, binge eating disorder, is very overweight, alexithymic, etc., and is disabled. I have ultimately concluded (along with his psychiatrist, who sees his mom too) that pretty much ALL of his issues are the result of his mom's behavior.

I moved in about a year ago. I was in an extremely difficult situation and didn't really have anywhere else to go. I knew there was a lot of pain in the family, but I didn't understand the extent of what was happening.

About ten years ago, his dad died and he found his body. Some months later, he expressed to his mother he was too depressed to get out of bed. Not suicidal, not self-harming, none of that. She told him if he couldn't go to school, then he wasn't functional, and responded by calling the police, having him forcibly drug from the home, and committed. When she recounted the incident to me, she used language that blamed my boyfriend ("why did he make me do that". That's a common theme.

I have heard her say to me a lot, "Why couldn't my boys have helped me more?" She holds a lot of resentment towards my boyfriend, who as a teenager was struggling considerably and still did chores consistently, for not "helping her more". When I say they lost their dad, you can see how it trips her up in her brain, but then she quickly recovers with, "Well, I was suffering too."

Since his dad died, his mother developed complex grief and she gets repeatedly hospitalized. Last fall, she attempted suicide by mixing her pills and alcohol and tried to take my medication as well. When she was transferred from the ER to the mental hospital, they diagnosed her with borderline personality disorder. This was the last we heard of it and she is not being treated for it.

I've been pretty consistent since I moved in with helping her when she asks with household stuff. I asked my boyfriend and he confirmed this to be true. However, I myself have bipolar disorder and recently started lithium, which has caused extreme fatigue and somewhat erratic energy levels. I would lay down for what I would think would be a nap and be out for the rest of the day. So my consistency has been... .wholly inconsistent, since about March 1.

Some weeks back, she asked me to clean the kitchen. At that point, I was so tired I needed my boyfriend's assistance showering. I went to take a nap, the first time, I believe, I was down and out all day. I woke up briefly at 3 am and realized I hadn't cleaned the kitchen. I told my boyfriend and he said it was fine, we'd do it in the morning. Then, around seven the next morning she came in crying and yelling how I couldn't possibly know how upset she was, that she'd asked me to clean the kitchen 20 hours ago. It felt like the reaction didn't fit the situation and I didn't know how to respond.

She went to her day program, where they do not treat her for BPD and may not even know about the BPD diagnosis, and I guess they talked her through how to deal with this. When she came back, she talked to me about it. I tried to explain that it was an accident and not intentional, but she kept going on about how "disrespectful" it was that I hadn't cleaned the kitchen. She kept asking me questions that seemed geared towards getting me to admit that I had intentionally not cleaned the kitchen, which wasn't the case at all.

Then she said she had saved notes I had given her last year, when she was starting to decline, where I said that she could just tell me whatever she needed and I would do it, so why wasn't I doing that now? I was admittedly stunned. I was so tired and nonfunctional at that point that I needed help showering. I said to my boyfriend later it was like my needs didn't matter one bit and it was all about her.

Two days or so ago, I came home from doctors appointments. I'd been gone like four or five hours with driving and tests and I was exhausted, so I immediately went to lay down. She comes in like gangbusters and asks me to do the dishes. I said fine, that I'd do it later. Later, I was still exhausted so I made a trade off with my boyfriend that he'd do the dishes and I'd do something else. He said he'd do them in the morning. I told him she wouldn't like that. In the morning, his mother's helper was here and she cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes so the point was moot (which makes me wonder why I needed to do the dishes to begin with because she always has the helper do it).

She went to her day program and came back with this list for a "family meeting" which she left on the table. It has a lot of really weird stuff on it, like now she wants us to pay her $3 per load of laundry. She also wants more money from us to pay for house cleaning, emphasizing how this is "not a hotel". (We both pay her rent.) Her other son, who is nineteen, doesn't pay any rent whatsoever and doesn't do any housework; she justifies it by saying he has a part-time job. (She had him forcibly committed too, around the same age, and when she went to visit him he wouldn't see her, which she still complains about. He failed a year of high school as a result of the hospitalization and ultimately dropped out.)

I said to my boyfriend she can't get any more money from me and he agrees. I get a small state subsidy and she concluded I had too much for discretionary spending ("She said she was going to buy pens. I don't have the money to buy pens!" so she started insisting on larger and larger cuts of it. Now she takes 2/3rds of it. It's really frustrating because she gets her hair cut and colored regularly, and I can't even afford haircuts right now.

It feels like -- and I totally realize this could be projecting -- this has nothing to do with the dishes or the kitchen or cleaning the house or anything like that. It feels like this comes from some perception of abandonment.

The ideal situation is moving out, but we can't do that until a proper place comes on the market. My boyfriend is actively looking constantly. In the meantime, what can we do to make this situation more bearable for everyone involved?

This is getting very difficult on my part because I am pretty laid-back and I don't like drama and it feels like she is making drama, so it's causing me to be apathetic and avoidant towards her. We have now had three weeks straight of dramatic behavior and weird demands and it's affecting my boyfriend's and my mental health.

[Mutt]

Hi squirrellykate, 



I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you and you’re boyfriend are going through a difficult time, I’d feel frustrated too with her micro managing things.

It feels like -- and I totally realize this could be projecting -- this has nothing to do with the dishes or the kitchen or cleaning the house or anything like that. It feels like this comes from some perception of abandonment.

I think that you’re probably right I was thinking fear of rejection when I was reading your post it’s probably a combination of both. Three weeks is a long time with her causing drama I would find that difficult too.

Moving out for you is out of the question I would suggest using the communication tools like validation and SET ( Support Empathy Truth ) feelings are fact to a pwBPD where feelings are followed by facts for most of us. Start with validation and package your truth at the end.

[Speck]

Welcome, squirrellykate!

 

I would like to join Mutt in welcoming you to the discussion forums. We are so glad you're here, although we're sorry for the circumstance(s) that brought you to our shores. Yes, this is a safe harbor. So, feel free to drop your anchor and be supported. That's what we do here.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

The ideal situation is moving out, but we can't do that until a proper place comes on the market. My boyfriend is actively looking constantly. In the meantime, what can we do to make this situation more bearable for everyone involved?

It sounds like you are having a very difficult time, and you're also at your boyfriend's mother's mercy because she is also your landlord.  In my opinion, the best next step for you is to possibly consider setting some boundaries with your boyfriend's mother. These boundaries do not have to be a big announcement or proclamation, just something gentle but to the point. For example: if she were to have another glorious melt-down, you could validate what is valid about it (like Mutt is suggesting) so that she feels heard, but then also tell her that you would prefer if she did not do XYZ behavior anymore. After you set these boundaries, then it's up to her to honor them. If even that's not possible, then try stepping back a bit to give yourself the gift of clarity while also staying out of the fray.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[squirrellykate]

Thank you Mutt and Speck!

I really appreciate you replying to my post and I appreciate the sense of community you all have here. It's really quite wonderful, and so, so needed.

I will work on practicing SET so I can apply it. I'm still not so good with it. Voicing things in that way is very difficult for me. But I can definitely see how SET would be beneficial.

The boundaries may be harder to apply. I try to work with my boyfriend on maintaining a unified front against his mom, but it's not working so well. It definitely feels sometimes like he goes behind my back when she's being "good" and tells her things that are none of her business and can (and will) be used against us in the future. And then we get the grief later. I can tell her not to do XYZ, but I definitely won't get any assistance in maintaining those boundaries.

Thank you for your help and advice!

-Squirrellykate

[Speck]

Hello again, Squirrellykate!

How have things been going for you?

We are here if you need to talk.


-Speck