Has anyone used a background check website?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was just wondering if anyone here has ever used a background check website to obtain information about a SO or family member, what the best websites might be, and if this information is admissable in court if needed. Thank you

[NeedsHelp]

I was just wondering if anyone here has ever used a background check website to obtain information about a SO or family member, what the best websites might be, and if this information is admissable in court if needed. Thank you

[kells76]

Hi there JDNH,

Welcome to the boards from me 

While I haven't personally used those sites, I wouldn't be surprised if other board members have, or have heard of folks trying them. They can speak to that specific question better than I can.

Where are you at with having a lawyer -- if you don't mind sharing some more? If you're seeing a need for getting background info on a SO, that seems like lawyer territory to me.

Is somebody doing something dangerous? Are there kids involved?

If you're up for it, I think some more details will help experienced members help you out!

kells76

[livednlearned]

I think the background check websites access public records that you can get for free.

There is a lot of clickbait feel to the sites, trying to make you think there are big secrets that might not actually exist.

Check carefully the terms of conditions, too. Some of the sites have terms allowing them to charge you automatic monthly fees, and it can be hard to get refunds, or reach customer service, or stop them... .

Cleaning up messes after difficult relationships is a vulnerable place to be in, and companies know that.

[NeedsHelp]

Hi there JDNH,

Welcome to the boards from me 

While I haven't personally used those sites, I wouldn't be surprised if other board members have, or have heard of folks trying them. They can speak to that specific question better than I can.

Where are you at with having a lawyer -- if you don't mind sharing some more? If you're seeing a need for getting background info on a SO, that seems like lawyer territory to me.

Is somebody doing something dangerous? Are there kids involved?

If you're up for it, I think some more details will help experienced members help you out!

kells76

I have not spoken with a lawyer yet. My two year old son is involved and I fear for his safety. My husband I believe has undiagnosed BPD and his mother is bipolar with BPD. From what he  has told me, there is a strong family history of mental illness on his side. He has done and said things to my son that are both mentally and physically abusive. His mother attempted suicide when my son was only a few months old and said it was because I would not allow her alone time with him. It has caused problems in my marriage ever since. I am afraid if I file for D, my husband will hurt my son and allow him to be left alone with his mother. I am looking for any documented proof of the criminal records, stays at mental hospitals and suicide atrempts. I am afraid if I just try to state these  things have happened it will sound so far fetched no one will believe me...

[kells76]

That's understandably a frightening situation to be in. I'm glad you were able to find these boards, and it sounds like you have some time and freedom to look at options (like background check sites) for what to do next.

Gathering information is smart. What kind of privacy do you have in terms of your actions and documents?

If you can, let us know a little more about your situation. I'm wondering if you know that you can consult with lawyers (often for not too much $) without having to retain one. That's where my husband and I started when things got really tricky with his kids and their mom.

[NeedsHelp]

That's understandably a frightening situation to be in. I'm glad you were able to find these boards, and it sounds like you have some time and freedom to look at options (like background check sites) for what to do next.

Gathering information is smart. What kind of privacy do you have in terms of your actions and documents?

If you can, let us know a little more about your situation. I'm wondering if you know that you can consult with lawyers (often for not too much $) without having to retain one. That's where my husband and I started when things got really tricky with his kids and their mom.

Thank you for your reply. It is very difficult to get away from the house without him knowing where I am at. He comes home at random times throughout the day, every day, and always knows if my son and I went anywhere and asks where we were. I am taking a risk posting on these boards as we are on a family phone plan and he and his mother are administrators. He has threatened divorce several times and I keep walking on eggshells as best I can because I am afraid of the custody issue and what would happen to our son.

[NeedsHelp]

I think the background check websites access public records that you can get for free.

There is a lot of clickbait feel to the sites, trying to make you think there are big secrets that might not actually exist.

Check carefully the terms of conditions, too. Some of the sites have terms allowing them to charge you automatic monthly fees, and it can be hard to get refunds, or reach customer service, or stop them... .

Cleaning up messes after difficult relationships is a vulnerable place to be in, and companies know that.

Thank you for your help. I know for sure certain things have happened. I am just not sure how I would prove them or get records. If it can be done and there is an inexpensive way I am willing to try.

[ForeverDad]

A lawyer could answer your questions.  The reason I mention that is that in some cases if we were to do searching then the subject of our search, if they found out, might claim we were stalking or harassing, serious charges if brought to the appropriate court's attention.  That could put us on the defensive because we are an 'interested' party, something to gain or lose.  Lawyers and private detectives are trained, licensed and often bonded as neutral professionals, that is, they don't have skin in the game.  They can do much more and more thoroughly than we can.

That said, if you know where to look, generally wherever the person has lived or worked, then you can check the various courts in those areas to determine whether there are records of cases there with the individuals as plaintiffs or defendants.  These days many courts have the case overviews online.  Understand that the various courts may have different websites.  In my area there are municipal, domestic, and common pleas.  I think juvenile court is probably not online for privacy reasons.  Also, there may be incident reports or other records in the various local police districts or sheriff offices.

I know when I filed for participation in school activities, I had to be fingerprinted and have a criminal history search.  I'm not sure how much it revealed but it would have at least had felony convictions as long as they weren't later expunged.

As a general rule, domestic court generally ignores incidents older than 6 months unless they reflect a poor pattern of behavior.  The general principle is... .the older the incident is, the less important it is, presuming it's not super serious.  For example, if the spouse has a history (pattern) of filing charges against prior spouses or prior relationships then it might help to make the court aware of that if we have allegations filed against us.

[livednlearned]

Often what people do in these situations is to get a thorough custody evaluation, which are expensive, but you get third-party professionals involved -- people who are neutral, as ForeverDad mentioned. It probably depends on where you live, but it wouldn't be unreasonable for a thorough CE to run $5,000 or more.

In a CE, a psychologist or trained professional will gather medical and psychiatric history of both parents. If your ex disputes that his mother was suicidal, the evaluator will more than likely err on the side of caution that the fact is true. Plus, a psychiatric evaluation of your ex would bring to light a history of psychiatric issues. The mental health issues alone won't be an issue, it will be the pattern of behaviors and other items that raise alarm. Hiding mental health issues or not treating them seems to be more of an issue than having a condition, at least in my court. 

My ex did not disclose any of that. I brought it to attention when I asked at what age bipolar might appear in child, and how genetic it was, and what signs I should be looking for. When asked if there was bipolar in my family, I said no, altho it was my understanding that there was a history on n/BPDx's side, including his mother who was diagnosed and treated.

The idea is to shine light on behaviors that may be in the shadows, including the people involved in caring for your S2, without making it look like you are trying to malign the other parent.  

I know the expense to these things is daunting. At the very least, consult with a lawyer or two or three. It will cost you a few hundred dollars depending on where you live, but even in those consultations you will learn a lot about how things work where you live. If you want some collective support from friends here, we can help you think of questions to ask so you maximize your time with the lawyers.

It's also very helpful to have someone come with you to take notes if you can. Your emotions will swell up -- the topic of protecting yourself and your child is so personal and important that it gets easy to forgot what is said.

Hang in there. You are not alone in this -- we are here to walk with you  

LnL

[NeedsHelp]

Often what people do in these situations is to get a thorough custody evaluation, which are expensive, but you get third-party professionals involved -- people who are neutral, as ForeverDad mentioned. It probably depends on where you live, but it wouldn't be unreasonable for a thorough CE to run $5,000 or more.

In a CE, a psychologist or trained professional will gather medical and psychiatric history of both parents. If your ex disputes that his mother was suicidal, the evaluator will more than likely err on the side of caution that the fact is true. Plus, a psychiatric evaluation of your ex would bring to light a history of psychiatric issues. The mental health issues alone won't be an issue, it will be the pattern of behaviors and other items that raise alarm. Hiding mental health issues or not treating them seems to be more of an issue than having a condition, at least in my court. 

My ex did not disclose any of that. I brought it to attention when I asked at what age bipolar might appear in child, and how genetic it was, and what signs I should be looking for. When asked if there was bipolar in my family, I said no, altho it was my understanding that there was a history on n/BPDx's side, including his mother who was diagnosed and treated.

The idea is to shine light on behaviors that may be in the shadows, including the people involved in caring for your S2, without making it look like you are trying to malign the other parent.  

I know the expense to these things is daunting. At the very least, consult with a lawyer or two or three. It will cost you a few hundred dollars depending on where you live, but even in those consultations you will learn a lot about how things work where you live. If you want some collective support from friends here, we can help you think of questions to ask so you maximize your time with the lawyers.

It's also very helpful to have someone come with you to take notes if you can. Your emotions will swell up -- the topic of protecting yourself and your child is so personal and important that it gets easy to forgot what is said.

Hang in there. You are not alone in this -- we are here to walk with you  

LnL

Yes, this information is very helpful. Thank you so much. I would love some advice on what questions to ask. This situation and the circumstances have been very overwhelming, but I feel legal advice is a necessary step in finding ways to protect my son and myself. Should request help coming up with specific questions in a separate post? Thank you again for your help.

[NeedsHelp]

A lawyer could answer your questions.  The reason I mention that is that in some cases if we were to do searching then the subject of our search, if they found out, might claim we were stalking or harassing, serious charges if brought to the appropriate court's attention.  That could put us on the defensive because we are an 'interested' party, something to gain or lose.  Lawyers and private detectives are trained, licensed and often bonded as neutral professionals, that is, they don't have skin in the game.  They can do much more and more thoroughly than we can.

That said, if you know where to look, generally wherever the person has lived or worked, then you can check the various courts in those areas to determine whether there are records of cases there with the individuals as plaintiffs or defendants.  These days many courts have the case overviews online.  Understand that the various courts may have different websites.  In my area there are municipal, domestic, and common pleas.  I think juvenile court is probably not online for privacy reasons.  Also, there may be incident reports or other records in the various local police districts or sheriff offices.

I know when I filed for participation in school activities, I had to be fingerprinted and have a criminal history search.  I'm not sure how much it revealed but it would have at least had felony convictions as long as they weren't later expunged.

As a general rule, domestic court generally ignores incidents older than 6 months unless they reflect a poor pattern of behavior.  The general principle is... .the older the incident is, the less important it is, presuming it's not super serious.  For example, if the spouse has a history (pattern) of filing charges against prior spouses or prior relationships then it might help to make the court aware of that if we have allegations filed against us.

Thank you. This information is very helpful. 

[livednlearned]

Yes, this information is very helpful. Thank you so much. I would love some advice on what questions to ask. This situation and the circumstances have been very overwhelming, but I feel legal advice is a necessary step in finding ways to protect my son and myself. Should request help coming up with specific questions in a separate post? Thank you again for your help.

I might start a separate post only so your subject line is specific: first visit - what questions to ask a lawyer? Or something like that?

[NeedsHelp]

I might start a separate post only so your subject line is specific: first visit - what questions to ask a lawyer? Or something like that?

Okay, thank you. 

[toomanydogs]

Hi JDN
  I used court boards here in my state when I was doing background checks on people I was hiring as caregivers for my STBX.
  We have an online site that lists criminal and civil proceedings going back to the 80s, prior to that the info wasn't online.
   It was helpful because on one individual there had been four DV charges, and if ever there was a person who could provoke anger in someone it was/is my STBX. Two of those charges the individual had pled out, one was guilty, and the last had been dismissed. It was the pattern I was seeing.
   Another individual had a charge for either stealing prescription drugs or prescription pads and forging a prescription. The site wasn't clear, but because we have schedule 4 drugs here I couldn't hire that person either.
   I used another site from out of state to check another person's background, the court even listed a traffic violation. (I checked mine. I have a parking violation still listed.)
   All these sites were free.
   I did use a pay-site. Checked out myself, and there was inaccurate info. Had someone else with my name, but younger and with a criminal background, living in my house.
   I don't know where you could get medical info like hospital stays. Not with HIPAA
   By the way, your situation sounds scary and emotionally exhausting. I'm sorry you're going through this.
TMD

[NeedsHelp]

Hi JDN
  I used court boards here in my state when I was doing background checks on people I was hiring as caregivers for my STBX.
  We have an online site that lists criminal and civil proceedings going back to the 80s, prior to that the info wasn't online.
   It was helpful because on one individual there had been four DV charges, and if ever there was a person who could provoke anger in someone it was/is my STBX. Two of those charges the individual had pled out, one was guilty, and the last had been dismissed. It was the pattern I was seeing.
   Another individual had a charge for either stealing prescription drugs or prescription pads and forging a prescription. The site wasn't clear, but because we have schedule 4 drugs here I couldn't hire that person either.
   I used another site from out of state to check another person's background, the court even listed a traffic violation. (I checked mine. I have a parking violation still listed.)
   All these sites were free.
   I did use a pay-site. Checked out myself, and there was inaccurate info. Had someone else with my name, but younger and with a criminal background, living in my house.
   I don't know where you could get medical info like hospital stays. Not with HIPAA
   By the way, your situation sounds scary and emotionally exhausting. I'm sorry you're going through this.
TMD

Thank you so much for this information. I am not sure where to find the public information sites for my state, but it sounds like a good place to start. Yes, this situation is frightening, and I assume it would be very difficult for most people to understand. Only one of my friends knows what has been going on and she of course thinks I should just leave. Not so easy when you have a toddler involved, little time and little money. I am pretty sure I am being tracked wherever I go via the GPS on my phone too, but I am not sure if that is illegal or how I would go about proving that or if it would even matter.