Have you used in house help to train/teach your adult?

[stepmom123]

My 21 year old step daughter had a baby when she was 19 that she gave up for adoption and had her second child earlier this year, and the same family adopted both children. The most she has ever done is work part time as a waitress. Her father has set her in two different apartments trying to help launch her and both ended up badly.   

Earlier this year my step daughter was diagnosed with BPD and she is extreme non functioning.  It was recommended she spend about a year in residential treatment, but after having the baby she wanted to get on with life and that did not sound like fun.

She agreed to do out patient treatment which lasted about 6 weeks and was 4 hours a day, plus she saw a psychologist twice a week and continues to see him.  The in patient treatment was a lot of DBT.

She is living with us in a room that is detached from the house, very much like a hotel room with a fridge, microwave, room and bath.  I went into the room and it is an absolute disaster.  She has very little life skills.

I understand that life skills are worked on at residential and transition houses.  Since we didn't get this, I'm wondering if there's special people that work with adults in teaching them life skills.  Things like keeping a room tidy, planning a daily schedule, etc.  Basically an adult nanny!

Are there people out there that work with the mentally challenged to teach them functioning skills?

Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Based upon your last post, it sounds like babydaddy#2 detached from their lives.  It's good that the child was placed with a good family   I'm adopted myself. 

Since you married her dad when she was 19, and detailed the past early teen problems, you weren't there to help teach her basic life skills.  Was she always unkept, say, of her room? Does she also suffer from depression? Do you think she might be open to someone helping her,  or does she have trust issues or paranoid tendencies?

[stepmom123]

Since my first post, she had the baby and it was adopted.  She placed her two children in an absolutely fabulous home and they will probably have a wonderful life.

Right before the baby was born we put her in a week intensive diagnosis review which cost $15,000 at Methodist in Houston.  She was diagnosed with BPD and other secondary issues.  They wanted her to go into residential treatment but she wasn't ready so we have tried other avenues. 

She is stable.  But she is non functioning, very non functioning.  It is part lazy and part BPD.  Her mother passed away in 2013 when she was about 16.  Her mom worked many many hours and they had a housekeeper 2 times a week.  My stepdaughter never had to do much around the house.  It was a very affluent family.

Now she is so disorganized her room is gross beyond description.  There are no clothes hanging in her closet.  They are all on the floor.  The bathroom countertops are covered with bottles and there's no way to clean.  She has a dog so it stinks.  No sheets on bed or covers on pillows.

I have worked with her before to get her room organized but she cannot maintain it.  I have decided it takes too much out of my energy bucket to help her learn life skills.  And she really doesn't want my help.

I doubt she wants a "nanny" but I can't see how she is going to survive in life without basic life skills.  Her father can offer her the help and we'll see.  But first we need to know what we are offering.

Thanks!

[Daisy123]

Hi Stepmom 123,
I am sorry you and your DD are going through so much. It’s got to be heartbreaking giving up your child. The baby is lucky to go to such a loving family and be with her sib.
I can really relate to your story. My DD20 is low functioning. We have to administer her meds. Although she’s slowly coming to realize just how bad it can be to be without them. Her room is disgusting! She has a tremendously difficult time picking up after herself. When ever I venture into her room, I’m always coming down to the kitchen with cups filled with unfinished drinks. Any house chores she’s got to do have to be immediately tied to something she wants. She wants to use the car to pick up a friend- clean the bathroom first. She wants to drop off NF back at home - take out the recycling and trash before using my car.
She’s gained quite a bit of weight and outgrew her shorts- she had to clean the kitchen first before heading out to the department store.
It’s exhausting. I am so afraid she’ll never launch. But I have to learn to take it one day at a time.
I’ve never heard of a nanny for adults. A life coach perhaps?

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I often wonder the same thing! We adopted my DD21 when she was 17 and teaching her life skills has been so difficult. I was ready to teach her when she first came to us but she wasn't interested. After a couple disastrous years and a lot of broken trust she really wants the parenting I was ready to give her four years ago and it's been really hard for me to get back in that mindset.

All that is to say, I feel your pain with trying to teach an adult basic skills, and if you find the type of service you're describing please let me know about it!

[toomanydogs]

Hi Stepmom 123,
When I was living with my STBX, we/I tried to set up the house as an in-house residential treatment center, so that he could learn life skills. Long story. I think I've posted elsewhere.
There are treatment centers that pair a mentally ill client with a roommate, who is not mentally ill, with the purpose of modeling healthier behavior, which includes basic life skills.
In the end, what we did here in the house didn't work, and it didn't work because my STBX succeeded in triangulating--he and his P were the "us" and the I, his therapist, his family, and his caregiver were the "them."
I'd still like to think that we set up here could work, and I'd like to think it could work with your daughter.
Another reason it didn't work was that my STBX didn't really want to get better. He liked being sick. His therapist told me fairly early that until my STBX let go of his attachment to being mentally ill, he'd never get better. Sadly, the therapist, at least in my opinion, was right.
I hope it is different with your daughter.   
TMD