Elder Divorce? (en Dad and uBPD mom)

[todayistheday]

Both of my parents are in their 80s.  They are in good health other than an injury my Mom has due to an accident.  They are both fully cognitive and have decent vision and hearing. 

Mom who is uBPD is recovering from some orthopedic injuries (a true accident, not inflicted by either him or by herself) and she needs someone to help her with everyday things.  She threatens to divorce my enmeshed and beaten down Dad as soon as she is well. 

I am 99% sure that this is a Borderline manipulation.  But, all she ever does is scream with him.  Poor fellow can't do anything right.  For you ladies out there, he makes what we non-BPDs would see as typical male blunders.  Nothing deserving of the treatment he gets.  For example, if  he spills or drops something or sorts the clothes not to her liking, he gets yelled and screamed at for days (as did I as a child.)

She has taken over all of their savings and put it into her name only.  Which leaves him with very little.

If she does follow through, we need to find a place for Dad to live.  I do not have space for him and even if I did, as much as I love having him around, I do not believe that to be a good idea.

Do you know if there are attorneys who specialize in Elder divorce?  I'm sure it will get ugly on my Mom's side.  She will likely lie about abuse or neglect or something.  I am pretty sure that what she has done with the assets is likely not legal and he should be entitled to half.  I also know that he's been walked on for so many years, he will let her get by with it and have nothing.

I have been posting a lot lately.  Things have gotten extra crazy the last month, and as you know, that's saying something.  If it wasn't for Dad, I'd dump uBPD mom altogether.

[Notwendy]

This sounds similar to my parents at the last part of my father's life. The pattern was that my enmeshed father did everything for my mother, but nothing was to her satisfaction. I think my mother must have threatened divorce countless times, but she never did it.

Sadly, my father got ill, and could no longer do the things he usually did for her. The situation was, frankly, traumatic for me to see.

My mother controlled everything- the money, everything he did.

I called social services to report what to me looked like elder abuse, but they informed me that as long as he was mentally competent to make his own decisions, there was nothing I could do. He was her protector for all time and would not let social services intervene.

I would have taken him to live with me, or like your idea, helped him find a place to live but they were a package deal. Even as painful as their relationship was from outside observation, by their age they were deeply bonded  and their dysfunction balanced each other. I also perceived my father as beaten down by my mother, and I think he was, but in other ways- his co-dependency matched her BPD and each of them seemed to need the other for the dynamics in the relationship.

If I had a million dollars, I would bet one dollar that your parents will split and the rest that they don't. I would also be hesitant to step in. I tried to "rescue" my father in ways but this led me to be the persecutor on the drama triangle with them. Then, he stepped in to "rescue" my mother from me.

I feel for you as it is awful to watch this happen when your father is elderly. I have been able to process and in ways forgive my mother for how she treated me,  but it has been harder for me to process how I observed her treating my father. But trying to rescue didn't work. Their bond was stronger than any bond he had with anyone else.

Take care of yourself. If it comes to divorce, you can help him find a place to live, but I would not expect them to stay apart. Try to not get into the drama triangle with them.