Introduction: "Another out of nowhere eruption", "trying my best"

[Shawn4000]

I just had another out of nowhere eruption from my wife. They often come without warning. She has been feeling down all day and bad about herself and her life. Things seemed to get a little better around dinner time and now before bed the focus shifted toward me. She began to list all of the things I have done that have wronged her and how she is not able to get past them. One after another going back over a decade, I could see her anger raising through each one she listed. I knew that her goal was for me to get defensive which every time escalates her anger. I did my best to remain focused on trying to get her safely to bed and not be goaded into a full blown fight. It is so difficult to hear yourself portrayed in that way and not defend yourself and get angry. But I knew that wouldn't help.

For the longest time I would argue back and use reason to show her that I am definitely not the horrible person she is saying I am. It is such a difficult thing to hear because often what she is accusing me of is the exact things she has done to me. So to have experiences that she has put me through that were hurtful and then to be blamed by that same person for acting as she actually did can be infuriating and utterly disappointing. When I would engage in those arguments there was definitely a part of me that wanted to break through to her and make her see reason, not just so her anger would go away, but mostly because I didn't want to believe the person I love so much could get to a state where she would say hurtful things with such intent to inflict pain. That is the toughest part for me to accept. I realize now after learning more about her situation that her ability for rational thought in those situations is hindered but it still is tough to hear.

This just happened tonight. I found out about this site after reading a few books over the last couple months so I decided it was time to sign up.

I have been with my wife for close to 20 years, we met in college. She has struggled with what they diagnosed as depression and PTSD since she was in high school. This is the result of childhood abuse. She has been in therapy for 20 years but it wasn't until a few months ago that a new doctor suggested BPD. After reading the symptoms, it was so clear. She has all the traits except one. Through 20 years of therapy and medicine she has made next to no progress. She still struggles just as bad now as she did in the beginning. We are hoping that now if we can understand this better maybe she can get more effective treatment.

I am trying my best to get through this with her. I am getting to my wits end though at this point. The same exact cycle plays out over and over again. There are periods of somewhat peace and then giant eruptions that leave me kind of walking around in a daze trying to process what just happened. It is derailing any kind of a happy stable life together.

Sorry for this long rambling post, didn't know how else to start.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Shawn4000,

It's been a long, painful journey for you! I am sorry to hear that you have had to hear such horrible things tossed at you over and over again. That is not easy.

Are you already using some of the tools here or are you just basically containing yourself as best you can and trying not to blow?

Do you know about these tools yet?

SET

Don't JADE.

Not JADE-ing is a classic! It is probably one of the best things communication tools I've ever learned. And it was free!

So, your partner is aware she has these traits and is willing to do some work along with you? Do I understand you correctly?

wishing you the best, pearl.