What About The Grandchildren?

[Kiminski]

Hello all,

      I am a 57 year old mother/grandmother. My youngest daughter who is now 32 has had symptoms of BPD ever since she was a young teenager. I am so happy to find this group as I am at my wits end here. While, I want nothing more than for my daughter to get the help that she so desperately needs, I am hoping that someone on here can help me find ways to protect my grandchildren from her abuse.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kiminski]

I am at a loss as to what to do the help my grandchildren. My BPD daughter is becoming more and more emotionally abusive as they get older. She especially directs this toward her 12 year old son. She has driven everyone on his father's side out of his life and he only has us to be a voice for him. When she shuts us out, which she does often, he has nobody. Sometimes for months at a time. She is very verbally abusive when she gets angry. Recently she called me out of the blue to tell me that she had just kicked him out of the house. That he wasn't' coming back and that she didn't want me to go get him. I asked her where he was at that moment and her response was "I don't know! Maybe someone (meaning a stranger) has picked him up, I really don't care!" He is 12 years old. When I said to her that you can't turn your back on your twelve year old child, she hung up on me and would not answer my calls. He ended up walking to a store to call me. He was scared and tearful telling me that his mother had kicked him out and he didn't know what to do. We got him safely to a family members house. She sent the police to come pick him up, telling them that he had run away. I have never felt worse in my life. He did not want to go with the officer, he was scared. Apparently she kicked him out because he yelled back at her after she had screamed at him and made fun of him. She swears worse than any truck driver and is not above lying to keep herself out of trouble. If anyone has any reaction to something that she says or does,they are met with instant rage and white hot hatred.

I see lots and lots of advice on how to take care of yourself when you have a loved one with BPD. What to do, not to do, how to react, etc. What I cannot seem to find is any support out there to protect the poor children of BPD parents from the verbal and emotional abuse. How do they get any help when the abuser is allowed to shut out the only people who are there for the children? If it was just her, I would have no problem distancing myself from the situation. How do I turn my back on a grandson who has nobody else to help him when I know that this verbal and emotional abuse is going to continue? She also has a live in boyfriend who completely enables her behavior and he will become angry with the children as well if he thinks that they might do anything "upset" their mother. My heart breaks when I think of what her kids have to endure and I don't know what to do to help them.

[Kwamina]

Hi Kiminski and welcome to bpdfamily

I am very sorry your grandchildren are being treated this way by their mother. It is very sad that she kicked your grandson out like that. Your concern for your grandchildren is very understandable.

Has your daughter perhaps ever been diagnosed with any kind of disorder? In another post you mention her having BPD symptoms since she was a teen. What would you say are the main BPD traits you've seen evolve in her?

Though you aren't co-parenting, on the Co-parenting board we have a lot of resources that you might find helpful as you try to support your grandchildren:

Lesson 5: Raising Resilient Kids When a Parent Has BPD

I hope these resources will help you

The Board Parrot

[Merlot]

Hi Kiminski

My heart goes put to you, so terribly challenging to have a xhild with BPD, let alone watching your grandchild suffer. 

Whike the circumstances are so difficult, they are both so lucky to have you and Im glad your grandson is able to contact you for help.

Have you been able to engage with a therapist? Your daughter puts you in a no win situation that compromises her son and your own position as a caring mother and grandmother.

My DD27 has cut me off and also my GD1.  So while I dont have direct experience as the baby is so young, this may be me down the track.

Im really glad you came to share and I hope that other parents with these issues chime in as this is so very difficult and complex for you.

Kind regards Merlot

[Kiminski]

Kwamina- Thank-you for the link to the co-parenting board, I will definitely check that out. I appreciate your kind words.

Merlot- She is currently seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor. She has been seeing both for about 18 months. Hasn't helped much. Maybe a little with her anxiety, but not so much with her BPD type symptoms. She has been on many different medications and now is on Klonopin and Lamictal. As far as I know, her diagnosis is anxiety, but she did tell me that the psychiatrist had "mentioned something" about a personality disorder. She did not share any details about it. She fits almost every symptom of BPD. I am grateful to have found these boards, knowing that I am not alone is a great comfort.