Change my phone number or not? Pls advise

[juju2]

Hi family,

My story is here.

The latest thing is he buttered me up, two weeks of attentiveness, caring, i thought he was back in my life.

Then, he asks, big favor, "we are going out of town for 6 days, can you watch the dog?"

So here am i, with the ideas that he is interested in me again, only to find out, calculated actions to get a certain result.

Our dog has been biting ev1 except me and him.  This has gone on since we separated.

The dog loves me, he thinks he is my dog... .

so "we" is him and his g/f that he has for some time now.     Him and i nvr talked about others in our lives.   That was a boundary both respected.

So, i said no, cant watch the dog.  Just like what i said three months ago.

Anyway, i feel used, abused, and disrespected.

I know he has s.m.i., he doesnt know the effect he has, his actions dont mean anything other than him getting what he wants NOW!

I have radical acceptance of his BPD.

I am just looking to take care of myself.  If i change my phone number, i will not get his texts, hi, hope you are having a good day.  He has been doing this to keep me on the back burner, perhaps.

am not sure at all what to do if anything.

He is a person out of control, wreaking havoc, unaware.    I accept he is disordered, out of control.

Am just trying to find a way to take care of myself in the midst.

Thank you so much!

[formflier]

   Him and i nvr talked about others in our lives.   That was a boundary both respected.

So, i said no, cant watch the dog.  Just like what i said three months ago.

 

So... .changing you number now seems a bit reactive, unless you are sure... really sure that you are "done" with him.

The only way to know that (in my opinion) is to "wind the clock"... .give it time.

A boundary was crossed and you stood up for yourself... .  I'm so proud of you for doing that  You protected your values and your feelings first... .he is an adult and will solve his animal care concerns.

That's his circus.

Still... .I think some sort of action on your part or "change" is likely warranted on your part.  Hopefully bpdfamily can guide you.

Have you ever tried "google voice" or something like that.  Perhaps you start playing around with a service like that, give the number out to a few people.

If it works well for you... .transition everyone else over to that (over a period of weeks and months), while you consider the "status" of your relationship with your pwBPD.

That way, should you decide to block or not communicate with him in the future, it won't affect the rest of your life... as they will be established in your new number.

Thoughts?

Circle back to my main point... .you stood up for you!  Very proud of you.

FF

[Cromwell]

Do you now think there might be a link between the "buttering up" 2 weeks, and the now expectation of taking the dog, or is that most likely just a coincidence?

There were times where I was taken aback by how overly-sweet my ex could be, until I realised it was a prelude to asking for something of me. I didnt link the two together at the time but its became more clearer now.

[formflier]

We certainly need to consider that is may be "possible" there is no link... .but we also need to consider what is "probable".

And realizing at the end of the day that we'll never know for sure.

The focus is not so much on the buttering up... .but on the asking for help with a "we" trip.  Whether or not there as buttering up to attempt to influence that is (in my opinion) simply nuance.

FF

[Cromwell]

We certainly need to consider that is may be "possible" there is no link... .but we also need to consider what is "probable".

And realizing at the end of the day that we'll never know for sure.

The focus is not so much on the buttering up... .but on the asking for help with a "we" trip.  Whether or not there as buttering up to attempt to influence that is (in my opinion) simply nuance.

FF

On the face of it, all this guy has done is use correct grammar in a text. It might be the first time he has said "we", but that is the problem with texts in general, they are short messages and cause a great deal of problems when people cant identify verbal cues things such as tone of voice. If in a conversation the "we" had been exaggerated in tone, it would be more obvious, but based on the text it is extrapolating a lot to make a decision just based on that alone. If he was to have said "I" and not referred to this other woman, than this alternatively could have been a post about him being caught "lying".

Not defending him, just at a loss to think of what he reasonably should have been expected to have said instead.

[juju2]

Hi Cromwell,

It was at coffee, that he said, i have a big favor to ask... .

Anyway, like someone said, what does it really matter.

I know that he sees me as discpensible.

he is on a path, i need to LET him go.  i keep interfereing, allowing him to be in my space.  I keep complaining how things are going, and keep allowing.

its time for me to own my problem, work the problem.  I am the problem!

With you all help, i can work the problem.

[Harley Quinn]

Juju,

Would you like the dog to live with you?  You could offer it as a solution if so?  That way, things change from him getting what he wants to you getting what you want.  That would be a shift in dynamic.  If he's going to be going off on trips with his g/f, and you are more readily available and stable as a dog owner then that would be a logical plan and it sounds like the dog would be happier and more settled.  Just a thought... .

Love and light x

[formflier]

A gentle nudge here... .

Unless he specifically says how he sees you... .doubtful that is a good thing to try and understand or spend time on.

He is on a path... don't try to control it ( a bit different than letting him go)... you never controlled him to begin with.

Your job is to clearly define the type of r/s you are offering... .you job is also to be kind and "do" the relationship as well as possible, when the opportunity arises.

It's also you job to clearly defend boundaries, when he steps outside of them... .you did this... .nice work.  Seriously... .this is a good thing for you.

FF

[juju2]

Thanks Harley.  I offeted to keep the dog a long time ago.  He has nothing except the dog.  He says he does better w him.

Thanks F.  I guess i will just be me, and keep letting chips fall, he is on a destructive path, i can see fm knowing him 12 years almost.  The most important thing i have to do is mind my own business, dont get my hopes up, live each day. 

As soon as i say these things, i miss him.  I really do.

[formflier]

  he is on a destructive path, i can see fm knowing him 12 years almost.  

Focus on your path... .trust that he will focus on his.  Judge your path... .let him judge his...

Little nudges... here and there... .learn to nudge yourself back to focusing on what matters... you, your life, your values.

FF

[Shawnlam]

Hi Cromwell,

It was at coffee, that he said, i have a big favor to ask... .

Anyway, like someone said, what does it really matter.

I know that he sees me as discpensible.

he is on a path, i need to LET him go.  i keep interfereing, allowing him to be in my space.  I keep complaining how things are going, and keep allowing.

its time for me to own my problem, work the problem.  I am the problem!

With you all help, i can work the problem.

I think you may feel better by simply taking a break from him rather than changing your number.I certainly understand the feelings you have right now of being used,lead on by this guy.Oh and don’t feel foolish for thinking he still had feelings for you,never forget you are the normal human being here with feelings.Us non’s had a genuine attachment to these people one the goes further much further than filling and emotional black hole.We certainly don’t detach quickly and the darker side of BPD is they are extremely adept at sensing this .The have spent since childhood reading people and keeping them interested and hooked  by watching our behaviors .When you see this talent for what it is , it’s amazing what human beings are capable of .The are the equivalent of an idiot savant on the socially handicap spectrum.Masters at everything that shouldn’t be done on how to treat people.

With that said although your feeling down and bad,and I know my words will not be enough to cheer you up,all I can say is you are not alone.Stay strong time away will help you feel more and more cleansed  of theses feelings over time.

[juju2]

Thank you Shawn!

What you wrote does cheer me up.

And if i am honest, this behaviour is not new on his part.  The attachment disorder, BPD, all has been working, active, daily in our lives when we lived together.  I had tried to see the behaviour as separate from him, because it wasnt always present.  It really is Jekyll and Hyde.  Two people in the same body... .

 guess i am desensitized from his s.m.i. because my father had mental illness, bipolar and my brother had schizophrenia.  Both have passed.  I didnt feel unloved by them. Here, its like i am unloved, disposable.  Its hurtful.  A disorder that hurts others.  The ones closest.

this latest stuff has me feel that the last ten years were a sham.  one long up and down trick after another... .the stuff i went thru w him, i could write a book.  And i would always go back to forgiveness, i wanted to see the best.  At the end of the day, it --the maneuvers--it gets tiring... .exhausting to be exact.  Its like he wanted to see the limit of what i would endure... .until the end where i got lost.   That is where i got lost. 

I keep thinking if i knew more then about BPD, it would have been better.  The tools here are excellent.  The community has carried me, for that i am thankful.

[Shawnlam]

Unless he would have followed a rigorous therapy , unfortunately he would have never stopped pushing you away or playing games until the inevitable abandonment either by him or you,its what BPD is all about.!

[juju2]

Thank you Shawn.

 wish had found this community ten years ago, i was making things worse.

I like your idea of take a break.  Thats a very good suggestion.  And it wont be hard to do, now that i have nothing left to give.  I am sounding cynical, dont want to be like that... .

He has a new psychiatrist, she told him he doesnt have BPD.  he has ptsd, that was after one visit... .
and he is on disability fm BPD, so go figure... .

when he and i were going to counseling, nov-march this yr, the counselor told he definitely has BPD, which was a confrontational thing for him to hear... .he kept saying to me later, how could she tell?  She had experience w BPD.  He had told her going in that he had BPD, that he was on disability from that.  Anyway, he is unaware of his behaviour, evidently, because he thought he wasnt showing any signs of it when we were w the counselor.

He has all the signs, even the crazy driving.  I was surprised to see that as a symptom.  he doesnt think its crazy driving.

am running on here, apologize for that. 

sincere thanks, j

[MyBPD_friend]

Hi juju2,

I was in an unusual friendship with a BPD women. It took weeks to realize she has BPD cluster B.
This rs had everything typical of BPD and I  was struggling as she was too.
My story is in here.
However it got to a point when I couldn't handle the rs and pain anymore.

I saw this coming for as long as we had contact. Finally I decided to end this toxic connection and I  got a new phone number to make sure she will get out of my life.

So far, after 6 weeks I don't regret my decision. She might be doing bad, but I had to look for myself.
Best wishes to you.

[juju2]

Thank you for your response.  After talking w my sponsor in al anon, i am blocking his nbr.

Am going to keep it blocked for 30 days.

Its the right thing for me at this time.  I am too distracted by all the things he is doing/not doing.

I have no control.

Thank you family for your support, j

[Harley Quinn]

You have to do what is best for you first and foremost and if that is what you need to do then I commend you juju.  Glad you have your support network mobilised and are putting yourself as the priority.  Good on you for that.   

[juju2]

Thank you H!

The support here is amazing, life affirming.

With sincere gratitude, j

[MyBPD_friend]

Thank you for your response.  After talking w my sponsor in al anon, i am blocking his nbr.

Am going to keep it blocked for 30 days.

Its the right thing for me at this time.  I am too distracted by all the things he is doing/not doing.

I have no control.

Thank you family for your support, j

Hi Juju2,

First I tried that too., this was back in February this year. I had to find out, that even I had blocked her number, I still got a message on my Samsung that I had a call and she was able to leave a message. That was not what I expected and not what I wanted when blocking her phone number.
I ended up unblocking her and calling her back.

That was unsatisfying and I concluded I needed a new number to make sure I'll be out of her reaching out to me when she desired.

Having a new number, to ME, was the only solution to get back my peace and distance.

[juju2]

So i blocked his ph number, and emailed him, that am avail via email.  i feel like i am giving a few pushes, maybe too much.  Idk.

He emailed back, o.k.

[juju2]

Did i over react, i emailed him to get his things, 3 months to do that.  And then emailed him am only avail via email.

That is a lot of standing up on my part, wondering if it was too much.

nothing i can do about it now.

Thank you, j

[MyBPD_friend]

So i blocked his ph number, and emailed him, that am avail via email.  i feel like i am giving a few pushes, maybe too much.  Idk.

He emailed back, o.k.
[/quwote]

I think you're still indifferent of what you want.

[juju2]

You are correct.

i want to send a message, am not avail for the texts, etc, the things that are easy and take no effort.

I havent tried this before.

Perhaps something will resonate w him, or not.

I am not a disposable thing.  There are consequences to mistreating people.

[juju2]

Thank you everyone for the support.

Today i was in to negative thinking, couldnt shake.
Negative thinking for me is a choice, its not reality.
Somehow i sunk down.  I read on here so many people have hope, how to deal w their pwBPD, try this, do that.  I am part of a community of super heroes.

No one chooses this.  At the beginning, i saw the signs, but i didnt know what it was.  It was so confusing.  Its only last year that i got my head around, he has a serious mental illness!

One of the worst, because it comes out against those they are closest too.

All of my best thinking, behaving, being, none of it changes the disorder. 

All i see now is surrender.  I am powerless over the disorder.  Somehow this is comforting, its not about me.  Its not personal. 

strength, hope, and healing be with each of you.
Gratitude for each of you.  j

[formflier]

I am not a disposable thing.  There are consequences to mistreating people.

And... .bravo to you!... .you showed him what YOU consider mistreatment.  He doesn't get to vote on this... .he gets to understand and respect it... .or not.

You stood up for how you should be treated and that's really what matters.

Yes... there are rational and logical consequences for asking your help for him and his (whatever you call her) to have a nice weekend away.  For whatever reason... he had an unclear view of the appropriateness of involving you.

You made it clear you wouldn't be involved  AND... .are appropriately demonstrating how shocked you are that he brought this up directly to you.

While he may not "agree" with what you are doing, he is force to "respect" it... .which is a good thing.

FF

[formflier]

All i see now is surrender.  I am powerless over the disorder.  Somehow this is comforting, its not about me.  Its not personal. 
 

I think I see what you are trying to say... .but I get a vibe of "defeatism" in this.  Is that what you wanted to convey?

My biggest point is that YOU DO HAVE POWER over the disorder.  Your choices matter... including the choice you just made to put some "distance" into the r/s.  I understand that's not the choice you were looking forward to making... or wanted to make... .but YOU got to decide to put "distance" between you and BPDish stuff.

BPD affects your life in ways that make you sad... .yet YOU run your life.  JuJu is in charge... .nobody else gets a vote... .

FF

[juju2]

Thank you f.

i did learn here also, when they push, we push half.

This time it was not half on my part. 

Thank you for the affirmation, support.

It does feel good to stand up for myself.  Its a muscle am learning to use!

I do have power, over my thoughts and actions.

Its my life.  I firgot what that was.!

Thank you for reminding me... .j