uBPD Wife Wants a Divorce. Questions about her behavior.

[confusedbpd00]

Hi there. First post here. My stbx wife [24F] exhibits many of the traits of a quiet borderline. She is undiagnosed but I [26M] feel confident saying that BPD fits after many months of reading books, forums, and researching the topic. She may also be bi-polar, but I am less confident about that. My story is long and I appreciate those of you who take the time to read it and give any relevant advice/insight you can.

My story will probably sound familiar to many of you. We met in high school and fell for each other very quickly. She told everyone she knew how perfect I was. We had the same interests and beliefs. She had a history of abusive exes, child molestation, and very few long term friends. I know that during her teenage years, she would get really attached to friends and their families and often live with them. She would eventually toss them aside, and replace them with the next friend. She was always the victim in her stories and really played on my rescuer nature.

We married after a couple of years of dating and had a daughter (who is now 4) a year later. Soon after our wedding and especially after the birth of our daughter, her behavior and attitude shifted. She started to complain about my behavior even though I had always been that way. I would do my best to make her happy but the more I did, the more she expected and the less she appreciated me. She would tell me that I shouldn’t expect appreciation for the things I was “supposed to do”, which just so happened to be most everything I did. I felt very unwanted, undesired, and unappreciated. In conversations about this, she said that I was not affectionate enough. But when I tried to be more affectionate and loving towards her, it made no difference in her behavior, which only confused me further. She started to have occasional outburst over seemingly little things. We had circular arguments that would rarely be resolved, because I could not seem to get through to her when she was emotional. She blamed me and turned most discussion around on me. She began to stop apologizing for her behavior. She went from being a self-less, giving person to being rather selfish and concerned about how things affected her. After years of this, I began to question if I was crazy myself. I could not understand why she acted the way she did. 

Last spring (2017), she became depressed and quit wanting to do much of anything, including watch our daughter. She started pulling away from me big time. In June, she told me she felt numb towards everything and did not understand why. In July, she said didn’t think she loved me anymore and thought she would be happier on her own. It was a complete shock because last March, she had told me how much she loved me, how thankful she was everyday for me, and that she wanted us to have more kids (we had been debating whether or not we wanted to). In August, she got a job offer in another state and she told me she was going without me and my daughter and there was no discussing it. To this day, my daughter still lives with me and visits her mom every 6 weeks or so for about one week at a time. This is by my wife’s choice and she has told me she wants to continue this arrangement until our daughter starts school in Aug 2019, at which time she wishes to have her full time. Crazy, I know.

I continued to fight for the marriage because I believed she still loved me and was just confused, but things continued to get worse and worse. She became irrational, contradicted herself sentence to sentence, and started acting very different. I was very confused. I will admit I was not the best version of myself during this time and struggled with my emotions. We attended one session of marriage counseling with the minister who married us but she lied to him because she didn’t want to be rude. On Christmas Eve 2017, she told me she wanted a divorce and would be filing in February 2018, which is the earliest she could in her new state. She said I did not make her happy and had not since we got married, she had felt alone for years, I don’t support her career (the only thing that I have ever not supported was her moving away from us), that I loved the thought of her and don’t really love her, that I don’t like who she is, that she wants someone who will accept her with her flaws and all, and claimed I was mentally abusive. She rewrote our entire relationship and said that she did not have a single positive feeling about anything to do with us.

Now, to my more recent troubles and confusion. She continued to treat me poorly and had her smear campaign going to her new friends and co-workers. At the start of the year, I accepted the divorce and was content to let her file. She wanted an amicable divorce, but I did meet with a lawyer to at least be prepared on that front. It is around this time that I learned about BPD by researching what my counselor told me (she does not know what love is, has a poor self image, poor view of herself, low self-esteem) and what my wife’s parents told me about her (they filled in gaps in her history). It all started to make sense. For the first time, I could wrap my head around what I had lived for the last 8 years. I went as LC as possible at that point and only talk to her about our daughter, which amounts to every couple of weeks.

In the beginning of February, she did a 180 and has been nice, friendly, and reasonable towards me. She has not filed for divorce and only referenced it once when we got our tax return back (by saying “I guess most of this is going towards paying for this”, which was out of place because we weren’t even talking about the divorce). During one of our exchanges, she reached out like she wanted to hug me but I acted like I didn’t notice and turned to our daughter. She started to call and tell me about her job and new life making me refocus her on her daughter. But recently, she unfriended me on facebook randomly. So I don't know. 

This is what I don’t really understand. If she wanted the divorce, why hasn’t she filed? She was so eager to be free of me and we could have already been divorced at this point. Why the change in attitude? I'm guessing she wants to keep me as a backup plan. At this point, I plan on filing at the one year mark (due to the laws in my state requiring a one year separation). I know it can be rather futile to try to understand their behavior but I would love to hear about other experiences like this.

[Turkish]

I've seen so many stories over the years here,  but it's still sad and tragic to see a family broken due to one spouse's disordered behaviors,  even more so when children are involved. 

It sounds like you've done a great job as a single dad.  I assume you've well documented that you have been so,  yes? That you are involved in her preschool and are about to sign her up for Pre-K?

Without a custody order,  you both have equal rights to Parenting,  in that at some point,  you're wife could refuse to return your daughter.  What does your lawyer say about this?

Given all that you have read,  and that you have to co-parent,  it would be useful to learn the tools to communicate with a person with BPD as in Lesson 3 on the Bettering Board:

Tools for communication, validation, and reinforcement of good behavior

As confusing as her behaviors can be,  they might help you reduce conflict. Keep in mind,  however,  that divorce by its nature is adversarial.  Resist the tendency to "rescue." Stand up for you and your daughter,  and by your story,  your little girl sounds better off with you the majority of the time.  Maybe summers and alternating holidays with her mom,  but better with you,  as you didn't abandon your child. 

[livednlearned]

Hi confusedBPD00,

How painful for you and your daughter to be left behind like that  

How is D4 handling the disappearance of her mom?

It does sound confusing that she moved away, threatened to file, and is now wavering. It takes a lot of emotional strength to file for divorce. Even when one party believes it is 100 percent the right thing to do, there are still powerful emotions to process. She is also at the whim of her moods (affective instability). Reality testing for someone on emotional roller coaster rides is not as easy for someone for whom feelings = facts. She may be going through cycles of emotional arousal and then returning to baseline, only to become emotionally aroused again.

My guess, too, is that by creating emotional distance (e.g. you accepting that the marriage is over), your wife feels safe enough to long for the marriage again. Intimacy and strong emotion trigger lots of intense emotions, which for hypersensitive people, can feel as painful as physical pain. Feelings can also really distort thinking, to the point it's difficult to pinpoint where things are coming from.

If you pursue her again, she may retreat and start the cycle all over again.

What does your lawyer say about filing? Are there important advantages to filing first in your state?

What would happen if she filed in her state?

[confusedbpd00]

It sounds like you've done a great job as a single dad.  I assume you've well documented that you have been so,  yes? That you are involved in her preschool and are about to sign her up for Pre-K?

I am documenting everything that I can and keeping records of all of our communication. I take lots of pictures of the two of us together and her just being a kid. 

Without a custody order,  you both have equal rights to Parenting,  in that at some point,  you're wife could refuse to return your daughter.  What does your lawyer say about this?

This is the big concern. In my state, there is no legal separation. We can file a type of pre-divorce form that acts to freeze things financially and require both parents to act in a responsible manner with the child. The first lawyer I met with advised me to file this. But he also kind of turned me off when he started selling me a divorce. A second lawyer advised that since we had already split financially, we are handling the child on our own, and had no joint property (except for cars and some debt) that filing that form just made things more complicated and expensive in the long run. 

The reason I don't believe she would is because of her job. She works around 80-100 hrs a week and by the hour, she makes well below minimum wage. This results in her not being able to afford daycare on her own and she has no family there to help watch her. Her visits with her daughter align with "down" time at work where she can work from home a majority of the time and have co-workers cover for her the rest. Quite frankly, after witnessing her behavior the past few years, I believe she does not really want the child. Her number one priority is maintaining her appearance and making sure those around her continue to validate her. I think she sees our child just enough to keep that going.

Given all that you have read,  and that you have to co-parent,  it would be useful to learn the tools to communicate with a person with BPD as in Lesson 3 on the Bettering Board:

Tools for communication, validation, and reinforcement of good behavior

Thanks for the link. I'll make sure and read that.

As confusing as her behaviors can be,  they might help you reduce conflict. Keep in mind,  however,  that divorce by its nature is adversarial.  Resist the tendency to "rescue." Stand up for you and your daughter,  and by your story,  your little girl sounds better off with you the majority of the time.  Maybe summers and alternating holidays with her mom,  but better with you,  as you didn't abandon your child. 

I struggle with that, for sure. I loved this woman and have to remind myself that I can't help her. And that is what I am hoping for, an arrangement where I keep our daughter during the school year and she spends time with her mom during the summer and holidays.

[GaGrl]

If your wife completes her six-month residency requirement in her new state, she can file there and place you at a severe disadvantage.

My advice would be to file for Temporary Orders, and lock in the current arrangement.

[confusedbpd00]

How is D4 handling the disappearance of her mom?

She is handling it better as time goes on. It was pretty bad around January. After her mom told me she wanted a divorce, she didn't call for a month. Not hearing from her mom for that long really hurt her. She would cry some nights wanting her mommy. It broke my heart.

Her mom started making weekly calls and that helped the situation. Now, her mom is back to twice monthly calls, but my daughter is adjusting to it. She only mentions her mom the first week or so after a visit and after it has been more than a month since the last visit. Her behavior is improving with time and I take that as a sign that she is handling it better emotionally.

Are there resources for children this young? Maybe some books I could read? A few people have mentioned therapy for her. I've heard conflicting opinions from those I have talked with.

It does sound confusing that she moved away, threatened to file, and is now wavering. It takes a lot of emotional strength to file for divorce. Even when one party believes it is 100 percent the right thing to do, there are still powerful emotions to process. She is also at the whim of her moods (affective instability). Reality testing for someone on emotional roller coaster rides is not as easy for someone for whom feelings = facts. She may be going through cycles of emotional arousal and then returning to baseline, only to become emotionally aroused again.

My guess, too, is that by creating emotional distance (e.g. you accepting that the marriage is over), your wife feels safe enough to long for the marriage again. Intimacy and strong emotion trigger lots of intense emotions, which for hypersensitive people, can feel as painful as physical pain. Feelings can also really distort thinking, to the point it's difficult to pinpoint where things are coming from.

If you pursue her again, she may retreat and start the cycle all over again.

Yes, it's very confusing but that makes sense to me. She did appear to be going through cycles during last fall. One conversation, she was crying acting like she loved me but was being forced to leave me. The next, she acted like I was not important and needed to just let her go. I remember talking with my family saying it reminded me of Jekyll and Hyde, where I never knew who I would talking with.  

Part of me really wants to know how she feels. I wish I could just ask her, but that could be opening a whole can of worms. I am just starting to feel like myself again. I still love her but I think I need to love her from a distance.

What does your lawyer say about filing? Are there important advantages to filing first in your state?

What would happen if she filed in her state?

The laws in both states are practically the same regarding division of property and child custody/support. I was told the primary advantage would be that I would have control over the situation and let me get out ahead of her. Not to mention, it would be more convenient for me.  

[ForeverDad]

You noticed a change in her after marriage and again after the birth of your child.  Do you think she felt you were now obligated, stuck where you couldn't walk away (even if she was the one to walk away)?

Why is she reaching out to you more recently?  Does she sense you're not as dependent on her or that you're not willing to sit simmering on the back burner any more?  (She may be disordered but she's not dumb.)  Many of our ex-spouses are willing to have affairs (emotional or real or perhaps even work) while expecting the abandoned one to wait around, held in reserve.

Quite frankly, after witnessing her behavior the past few years, I believe she does not really want the child. Her number one priority is maintaining her appearance and making sure those around her continue to validate her. I think she sees our child just enough to keep that going.

She appears to be a person who is not the MOTY (Mother of the Year) sort.  Usually it is more common for a father to not be the FOTY (Father of the Year) sort who wanders away.  As you no doubt have observed, society is more inclined to accept/expect a father walking away and moving on with his life than a mother walking away and moving on.  Frankly, to borrow your word, you should be thankful she has abdicated majority parenting and residency to you.  The longer you have that, the stronger your majority parenting history.

Cautions... .Be prepared that when you file to "lock in" your current history of Majority Parenting she will then (probably) counter claiming she's a great parent, you're blocking her, sabotaging her or whatever.  If she doesn't contest, then great.  But if she does, be prepared to address and counter her claims and allegations.  For example, she may claim you're abusive.  Well, then court will wonder why she didn't do more to protect her child.  She may claim you're blocking.  Save the communications where she delays a visit or asks you to pick up the child early.  Things like that.

Generally consensus here is it is best for the more stable parent to file first.  That way the divorce starts on a reasonable scenario, no wild allegations or things like that.  Yes, she may very well counter with exaggerated claims but one way to parse it is that it's mostly "sour grapes" because we are ending the marriage and not on her terms.  Remember, she wants to look good with a public face as a good mother.

Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger?  It is our #1 divorce handbook.  It addresses dealing with endless allegations, finding a "problem solver, proactive, experienced, high-conflict capable" lawyer, the priorities in a divorce, etc.

You have done well by not sharing your strategies and plans for the future.  If you were working on a marriage, yes you would share for it to work.  Since it has failed, then you don't share your strategies and plans, share only the necessary and appropriate parenting information.  Like the old posters said decades ago, "Loose Lips Sink Ships!"

Since you already know she's contemplating seeking more time in a year or so, you could start her in preschool or kindergarten this autumn and at that time, long before she seems to be planning action, start the divorce while you still have clear majority parenting time as well as being in charge of education.  Don't tell her in advance or she will try to sabotage your plans.  Sadly divorce means you can be too sharing.  Yet you can still be a Nice Guy, just not someone who hands her a metaphorical knife and takes a vulnerable stance.

[confusedbpd00]

You noticed a change in her after marriage and again after the birth of your child.  Do you think she felt you were now obligated, stuck where you couldn't walk away (even if she was the one to walk away)?

Possibly. At the time, I thought she was struggling with the transition from romantic love to more mature love. She may have thought I wouldn't leave her and she didn't have to be her best self anymore.

Why is she reaching out to you more recently?  Does she sense you're not as dependent on her or that you're not willing to sit simmering on the back burner any more?  (She may be disordered but she's not dumb.)  Many of our ex-spouses are willing to have affairs (emotional or real or perhaps even work) while expecting the abandoned one to wait around, held in reserve.

That is what I am thinking. I don't ever call/text her unless I have a specific question to ask or want to talk to my daughter, so she probably feels the distance. But I question why she would even care. I guess I have a hard time understanding that sort of behavior. I feel like if I'm going to tell someone it's over, then I am done and not looking back. Do people typically wait around for them? Does this work for them?

Now that I think about it, she did make the remark once that "you don't sound like you want to be kept on the hook" in reference to us actually calling it a separation. So maybe that's what she was thinking.

Cautions... .Be prepared that when you file to "lock in" your current history of Majority Parenting she will then (probably) counter claiming she's a great parent, you're blocking her, sabotaging her or whatever.  If she doesn't contest, then great.  But if she does, be prepared to address and counter her claims and allegations.  For example, she may claim you're abusive.  Well, then court will wonder why she didn't do more to protect her child.  She may claim you're blocking.  Save the communications where she delays a visit or asks you to pick up the child early.  Things like that.

Good advice. I keep records of all of our communication, including recordings of our phone conversations (to my knowledge, it is legal in my state as long as the recording party (me) consents). My big worry is the claim of abuse. She told me I was mentally abusive in our last big conversation about our marriage. I'm glad you think that the court would wonder why she left her child with me.

My thought was to set our custody agreement to 50/50 or 60/40 with visits to her mother "as her work allows" and I would be the domicile parent. That would allow her to "save face" to her world by saying we split custody. I think that could keep her fangs at bay, so to speak. When it comes time for my daughter to start school, we would have to go back to court to change the arrangement that I am the majority parent. At that point, I feel like I would be in a strong position with 2 years of records showing exactly how much time she has spent with her daughter. Is that a terrible idea? 

Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger?  It is our #1 divorce handbook.  It addresses dealing with endless allegations, finding a "problem solver, proactive, experienced, high-conflict capable" lawyer, the priorities in a divorce, etc.

I read it a few months back when I thought the divorce was imminent. I will have to refresh myself when the time comes.

[Turkish]

A custody arrangement like that isn't going to work if she is living in another school district nearby much less another state.  You are already primary parent.  School year with you,  a good part of the summer with mom and holidays split is typical in these situations.  The best thing for your daughter is stability,  so crucial at this age especially.  I'd sign her up for summer preschool of you haven't already.  My city had two 6 week summer sessions,  then it was our choice to sign the kids up for T, Th or M-W-F, or 5 days/week pre-K in the fall as you could do depending on what program you find. 

It was your wife's choice to abandon you and your daughter.  She's changing her tune now a little,  but who's to say she will be able to cope emotionally with having your kid more and dreaming with all that you have concerning caring for a young child? I'm thinking not only logistically (doctor, dentist, school, etc.) But emotionally as well? The latter is even more important.

[livednlearned]

Are there resources for children this young? Maybe some books I could read? A few people have mentioned therapy for her. I've heard conflicting opinions from those I have talked with

imo, therapy for a child who loses a significant loved one is up there with food and shelter  

There is some thinking that BPD is a sensitive genotype that can be passed down genetically, and switched on based on the environment. Doesn't have to be an abusive environment, it can be one that is slightly invalidating, where emotions are not addressed and resolved at a level that is needed for someone who is intensely attuned.

Kids need therapy to help mourn. Your own mourning may impact how your daughter processes things and that isn't always good, depending on her temperament and yours.

Depression looks different in kids than it does in adults, and developmental milestones seem to trigger new coping strategies, almost like our kids process the loss anew for each phase of development.

If you look for a therapist for her, do some research to find the best ones in your area. I found that asking around, people seemed to keep suggesting the same ones, and then I did some joint sessions to kind of ease then S9 into the arrangement. Most child psychologists will do play therapy with young kids, who often use stories to try and make sense of something as senseless as a parent who leaves them behind (rejection, abandonment). Having someone help them grieve can give them skills to deal with emotional pain. Without those skills, or opportunities to grieve, the feelings go underground and build, and maladaptive coping strategies start to develop. My son pushed his feelings way down deep which made him easier to deal with, but then the feelings turned into depression and as young as 8 he talked about wanting to end his life    

I found the most important skill to help my son heal is emotional validation. The Power of Validation for Parents is a good book to start with.

You may want to also read the Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson to get an idea of what it's like for kids who have a BPD mom. That might give you a better sense of what prolonged time with her mom will do.

It's heart wrenching to walk this fine line between a mentally ill parent, and an absent parent. Both are painful.

But kids can and do become emotionally resilient. It takes specific parenting skills that are not intuitive and must be learned. If you want to help her heal, it's worth putting effort into learning what you can about this stuff so she is not more handicapped than she already may be. You are fortunate that your daughter is young and you can make important choices for her that prevent some of the harder stuff from taking root.

[GaGrl]

My thought was to set our custody agreement to 50/50 or 60/40 with visits to her mother "as her work allows" and I would be the domicile parent. That would allow her to "save face" to her world by saying we split custody. I think that could keep her fangs at bay, so to speak. When it comes time for my daughter to start school, we would have to go back to court to change the arrangement that I am the majority parent. At that point, I feel like I would be in a strong position with 2 years of records showing exactly how much time she has spent with her daughter. Is that a terrible idea?

The problems many on this board run into is due to phrases in settlement agreements such as "as her work allows."  Bad idea to leave any wiggle-room.  Even such phrases as "reasonable telephone calls" has come back to bite some people -- "reasonable" being constant interruptions at dinnertime and bedtime, constant texting.

What if she loses her job/changes her job and moves back to your location?  She gets to define "as her work allows."

Start strong.  You can split custody by saying that parents have joint custody -- that is related to decision-making (medical, religious, etc.).

But the residential custody is a different matter.  Set yourself up for residential custody with a clear visitation schedule for D's time with your STBX.  Clarify holidays and summers.  Make sure you are specifically names as residential parent for school.

[ForeverDad]

You are no doubt thinking that if you appease her with a somewhat equal schedule then she will accept it.  Maybe (she has wandered away), but maybe not (you're dealing with a disordered person who could transform into an entitled mother).

I often caution new members that our greatest qualities can also be our worst qualities in our xPD divorces.  Take 'fairness', for example.  We want to look fair, even overly fair, to the court and to our ex.  Sadly, neither is assured to care the least bit about us being fair.  And being overly fair too often sabotages us.

As gagrl mentioned, vague terms however well-intentioned allow loopholes that our disordered will find ways to leap through.

There is nothing wrong seeking a parenting schedule that corresponds to the current arrangement that 'works' now.

A custody arrangement like that isn't going to work if she is living in another school district nearby much less another state.  You are already primary parent.  School year with you,  a good part of the summer with mom and holidays split is typical in these situations.  The best thing for your daughter is stability,  so crucial at this age especially.  I'd sign her up for summer preschool if you haven't already... . 

It was your wife's choice to abandon you and your daughter.  She's changing her tune now a little,  but who's to say she will be able to cope emotionally with having your kid more and dreaming with all that you have concerning caring for a young child? I'm thinking not only logistically (doctor, dentist, school, etc.) But emotionally as well? The latter is even more important.

I agree.  Do not make promises with her about her becoming Primary Parent in 2019.  Equivocate, maybe "we'll see when we get closer" or "it's premature to deal with that now".  Currently she is getting a week at a time every month or two.  When parents live apart, frequent exchanges are impractical.  A schedule that would be appropriate and matches current visits would be for you to have majority and she would have some of the longer school holidays such as part of Winter Break, Spring Break and a week every month during Summer Break.  Does that make sense?  Isn't that somewhat close to the current status?  After all, she's comfortable with the current arrangement.  And you're comfortable with her having only a week at a time.