Seeking understanding and support

[hopeoffinding]

Hi hopeoffinding and welcome to the community

Like you I turned to this community for hope of finding others who understood, and oh boy yes they do, parents here sharing their journey have helped me to where I am and I am forever truly grateful. Keep on posting on your thread here, we'll all be right with you  

What also helped was life changer was joining other parents threads, that way we get to know and support each other.

Welcome to you, keep sharing.  

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi hopeoffinding and welcome to our online community

It can indeed be very challenging when a child has these kinds of traits. You mention borderline and narcissistic traits, what would you say are your child's most difficult or concerning behaviors?

Your child is an adult now, but at what point did you start to realize your child might be dealing with complex issues like this?

We have many members here who have children with borderline and other difficult traits who will definitely be able to relate to you. You specifically mention fear about her well-being, is there perhaps anything in particular that is currently causing you fear? Or is it more a general fear of what might happen to your child if the current behavior continues?

Take care and again, welcome to bpdfamily

The Board Parrot

[hopeoffinding]

Thanks Kwamina,

After reading some other posts, I see it will be helpful to offer more specifics.
My daughter has had intense, volatile, and unpredictable reactions since a very young age. She managed to navigate school and college well enough and is now living on her own (with roommates) and working temp jobs.
Of late, we believe she is engaging in self-harm (burn marks on her arms), and I found out she was taking ipecac (she left evidence). She also drinks excessively. I do understand these behaviors are a way of regulating intense emotion. I have encouraged her to seek therapy in the past, and she has attempted this with limited benefit, usually dropping the therapy saying it was not helpful. She has self-diagnosed as BPD, but I also believe she has high functioning Aspergers. In response to the ipecac, I was alarmed at the dangerousness of this behavior, and had a conversation with her expressing my love and concern for her, and encouraging her to seek help. In response, she left abruptly, and has refused to communicate with me since then. It has been a few weeks, which is the first time she has cut me off in this way. It is not the first time she has responded with anger/rage at my expressions of concern for her well being.
She is communicating in a limited way with other family members.
The toughest part for me is wanting to be of help and support, and genuinely loving her, but having these efforts rejected, and being perceived in such a negative light. I wonder about how much space to give her, but find it hard not to reach out in some way.

So I am hoping to learn more about how others are navigating this with their adult children.

[Feeling Better]

Hello hopeoffinging,

I would like to join Kwamina in welcoming you here and would like to thank you for providing a little more information regarding your current situation.

I know how heartbreaking it is when your child turns his/her back on you, it is truly devastating. It just leaves us in turmoil, not knowing which way to turn and what to do for the best. My uBPD son is 35 and he is NC (no contact) with me. There are a few of us here going through this so I am sure you will get a few more responses. I think, as painful as it is for you right now, if your daughter has cut communication with you for the time being there is not a lot that you can do apart from ride it out. It sounds as though she needs time to process what is going on inside her head. Hopefully she will reinstate contact as soon as she feels able. I recommend that you read as much as you can about BPD and how to communicate with someone with BPD. You will find lots of information to the right  
Look in the TOOLS, there you will find help with communication skills.

 The hardest thing is to try to not take things personally. Can I just ask how old is your daughter?

One of the things that is stressed over all the boards on this site is self care. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of your daughter. I hope that in spite of what of is happening right now that you are able to do that x  

[Merlot]

Hi hopeoffinding

It really is very hurtful when you are cut off and as Feeling Better mentions, I am one of those parents too.  Before I really started learning about BPD, my own values always seemed at odds with my daughter's behaviour so I always seemed to be in a position of challenging her. In hindsight, it may have come across to her as being judgemental or critical of her leading to feelings of being unloved.

She has retaliated with terrible rages.  In stepping back, I have been learning how I can change my interactions with her although it is still a work in progress.

Keep coming and sharing. I have also recently read Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Manning

Take care
Merlot

[hopeoffinding]

Thank you Feeling Better and Merlot,

My daughter is 24 now. I am finding the tools offered here very helpful, and I also watched a documentary about treatment for borderlines that was more optimistic than I expected. Had my husband watch it as well. The resources listed here and book recommendations are very helpful. Already, I am feeling a bit more grounded. She replied to an email with both negative interpretations about my concerns about her well-being ("a dramatic stunt" which derailed her), and her need for space, and I found myself better able to see her reactions more clearly and not take it personally, and reply with more acceptance. Slowly accepting the reality that she is mentally ill, and thus I am developing a new tool set. I have two other children who are nonBPD (one older, one younger), so it has always baffled me why my parenting skills work so effectively with them (and we have a good relationship) but backfire or get distorted into something threatening and even abusive when applied to her, especially any feedback about her behaviors or exaggerated reactions to things. Hard to be depicted in such a negative light, but building a better suit of armor.

[Feeling Better]

Hi hopeoffinding

Glad to hear that you are feeling more grounded now, and that you are finding the tools and resources here helpful. I remember well the feeling of relief that I felt when I first found this site, it’s quite uplifting to know that others know what you are going through and that you’re not alone.

It’s good to hear that you have good relationships with your other two children, but what are the relationships like between your daughter and your other two children, does she get on well with them? 

[Suzin]

Hi hopeoffinding,
I am also hurt by my 29 year old daughter with BPD. In April of 2018, my daughter cut me off not only from her, but my 2 grandchildren, who I am very close to.

I am afraid to contact her while she is raging as it is like adding fuel to the fire, and my grandchildren are at risk.

I am waiting it out. she has cut other people out of her life before for years at a time. But this is the first time she has done it to me.

I feel your pain. Hang in there, and focus on your health and well being.