Serving My Wife w/ Divorce Papers Today (Advice?)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello BPD Family,

This has been a rough road.  I finally filed for divorce last week and up til then my wife had acted aloof and distant and almost as though she has NO idea of all she has destroyed.  Sometimes she would say this break up is hard for her too or "I know you don't think I care but I do" to get me to feel sorry for her... .then she would push me away by not returning texts or calls or acting like she didn't care.  Sometimes she'd call me her Best Friend (although we hardly talk).  

For some background: She is the one that broke our relationship off abruptly on Valentine's Day and said it was my fault of course. Apparently, I didn't give her enough attention while I was doing everything and wasn't taking her out as much anymore after last year because we got deep in debt applying for her green card and paying back taxes. Also, I "let myself go" which we later found out were tumors and so I needed surgery this April. She wanted to be "alone", she would be better off on her own.  She started texting others and telling lies and left me right before I was to have surgery so as not to have to take care of me but she tells everyone else that she "fell out of love" and "it happens all the time".  Some people she even said that I was controlling and she needed her independence.  It was mind boggling and painful and I'm still dealing with the loss.

Anyways, today I am serving her the divorce papers but she is more erratic than ever.  Last night she sounded sad over email over the whole thing... .saying she never would have thought we would end like this (so taking no ownership).  Today, I texted her some logistics about how things would go and she snapped back. "OK, I GOT IT 4:30pm.  I'll be there".  Her moodiness has gotten more pronounced after I told her I filed for divorce.

How have some of your divorces gone?  Why is she still acting like she has NO idea how we got here?  It is SO frustrating!  I didn't want to break up, or have to file for my own divorce for Christ's sake!  She is acting like all of this is my fault, my idea, my doing.  I want to scream at her and say everything I'm feeling but I'm not sure it would help.  Please help me out guys.  I am struggling here.

[mylovewbpd]

Hello BPD Family,

This has been a rough road.  I finally filed for divorce last week and up til then my wife had acted aloof and distant and almost as though she has NO idea of all she has destroyed.  Sometimes she would say this break up is hard for her too or "I know you don't think I care but I do" to get me to feel sorry for her... .then she would push me away by not returning texts or calls or acting like she didn't care.  Sometimes she'd call me her Best Friend (although we hardly talk).  

For some background: She is the one that broke our relationship off abruptly on Valentine's Day and said it was my fault of course. Apparently, I didn't give her enough attention while I was doing everything and wasn't taking her out as much anymore after last year because we got deep in debt applying for her green card and paying back taxes. Also, I "let myself go" which we later found out were tumors and so I needed surgery this April. She wanted to be "alone", she would be better off on her own.  She started texting others and telling lies and left me right before I was to have surgery so as not to have to take care of me but she tells everyone else that she "fell out of love" and "it happens all the time".  Some people she even said that I was controlling and she needed her independence.  It was mind boggling and painful and I'm still dealing with the loss.

Anyways, today I am serving her the divorce papers but she is more erratic than ever.  Last night she sounded sad over email over the whole thing... .saying she never would have thought we would end like this (so taking no ownership).  Today, I texted her some logistics about how things would go and she snapped back. "OK, I GOT IT 4:30pm.  I'll be there".  Her moodiness has gotten more pronounced after I told her I filed for divorce.

How have some of your divorces gone?  Why is she still acting like she has NO idea how we got here?  It is SO frustrating!  I didn't want to break up, or have to file for my own divorce for Christ's sake!  She is acting like all of this is my fault, my idea, my doing.  I want to scream at her and say everything I'm feeling but I'm not sure it would help.  Please help me out guys.  I am struggling here.

[ForeverDad]

I suspect your biggest hurdle will be dealing with the emotions of it all and how she may get in a few jabs of guilting you about you doing the legal steps to mark the end.

It appears there are no children involved, so no custody issues involved.  She's moved out already, so no concerns about who has possession of the residence.  So divorce is more about documenting the end of the relationship. 

Are there any jointly owned items such as deeds, titles, accounts, loans, debts, etc?  The divorce can get their disposition and resolution onto paper.

Sadly, most divorces involving people with BPD result in the end of the relationship, seldom can they handle ongoing friendly contact afterward.  Either you'll be guilted, blamed or even pulled back into the roller coaster.  Same for Closure, you almost surely won't get it from her.  Therefore, Gift yourself closure.  It's the simplest way to Let Go and Move On.

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry to hear about the tumor, mylovewBPD. That must have been awful to go through, only to be left at the side of the road by someone you loved  

I hope you are doing better, and that you pulled through ok. You've been through a lot this year, and now you are divorcing  someone struggling with a difficult and confusing illness all her own.

People with BPD have no clearly defined sense of self. You have to have at least a weak sense of self in order to take responsibility for what that self does.

Not to mention the intense emotional arousal that pushes her around -- she does whatever she can to get off that painful roller coaster, looking for sources of that pain that come from outside her because she cannot pinpoint the difference between what is outside her and what or who is inside.

Sometimes, psychologists will refer to BPD as abandonment of self, meaning that it is not just a fear of abandonment by others, it is a constant state of abandoning one's self.

If screaming helps, by all means grab that bull by the horns, but do it for yourself, not her. She likely won't understand why you feel pain, but mourning your pain is an important part of healing.

I'm glad you posted. You're not alone, this is a painful process, but one small step at a time it does get better. Sharing with people who understands is big part of that.

[flourdust]

Are you working with an attorney? Divorcing someone with BPD can be just as high-conflict and confusing as the marriage was. Having a lawyer who can work calmly through the process and not get distracted by the drama she stirs up is helpful.

[mylovewbpd]

Hello and thank you for all the replies!

LivednLearned: Your insight is amazing.  i needed to hear all of that.  No matter how painful or how much I want to vent or yell... .it won't make a difference.  It never has worked before and it won't work now, even at this level of breakup.  She just said again yesterday that she cannot believe how hard this year has been for her.  WOW... .for HER? wow.  I just left it there.  She wanted sympathy again and I wasn't going to give it to her. Best thing I can do is move forward. Head held high.  Thanks for your reply

Forever Dad: As for your questions about deeds, titles, accounts, loans, debts, etc? We do have some debt (IRS) but not any deeds and small assets so the divorce was easy.  She is a quiet borderline so she mainly beats up on herself internally and due to her narcissism doesn't want others to see her as anything but perfect so she has not pushed back yet legally... .just personally with me but around one else.  When I served her the papers she didn't seem interested in filling out all the paperwork and filing her own objection especially because she'd have to pay the over $400 filing fee.  She told me she is in too much debt now due to credit cards she got after separation and has a second job. She has declined a lot.  :)ownhill financially, physically (skinnier than I've ever seen her - not in a healthy way), and apparently is now ruining her relationships with her family because she's behaving so erratically.  I feel bad for her but I cannot save her, not anymore. I think you were spot on when you said that we cannot be friends after this. As for closure, I am sure I won't get it... .but it would be nice... .I won't wait around for it.  Thank you so much.

Flourdust: I worked with an attorney at the courthouse.  Luckily we have no children, property, and few assets or debts acquired during the marriage. Luckily, my wife was a quiet borderline and not so outwardly dramatic although there were many raging tantrums that were only for me to see. So far the worst she has done is showing up at my house at weird hours to "talk" then crying and leaving or texting her anger or spying on me by driving by but nothing super OVERT or scary yet.

**UPDATE**  After I served her the papers Monday she seemed completely uninterested in disputing the terms (probably because I took on all the debt and am still paying for her medical, dental, and car insurance payments). She was on her best behavior because there were others present.  She gave me a sob story that she had to get a second job to cover the CC debt she's accrued since she left me. She makes PLENTY of money and only pays for her rent (utilities included).  She doesn't even pay for her vehicle, cell phone bill, or gas $ because her work pays for that... .yet she is in so much debt she needs to work 7 days a week?   Me thinks it was either some lover she was trying to impress or just a few manic episodes that led to partying/trips.  Once she showed up at my house in the middle of the night with a new BMW that she rented for the weekend; just ridiculous stuff to be spending money on.  Anyways, the clock starts as of yesterday, after 30 days if she hasn't contested my filing the divorce will move forward.  I will keep you all posted.  I will keep things NO CONTACT because it just minimizes the drama.  I hope nothing comes up in the interim.

[ForeverDad]

Christine Ann Lawson wrote, Understanding the Borderline Mother.  She described four classes of BPD: Queen, Witch, Hermit, Waif.  Most pwBPD described here are of the more difficult queen-witch behaviors.  I'm just guessing the waif-hermit types don't cause as much legal problems — more acting-in than acting-out — and so we don't get as many members facing those issues.  Be aware they can switch between the four modes depending on the circumstances, but I agree her comfort zone seems to be on the more passive side.