tiny Monster
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2
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« on: June 05, 2018, 12:26:02 AM » |
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I'm sure these things always feel awkward to begin, and I'm not really sure what I'm hoping for, maybe just needed somewhere to emotionally vomit, and hopefully in a place where people might understand what I seem to struggle to explain.
I've spent the last four years with an incredible, compassionate man with BPD. And actually, for the first few years I had no idea this was a part his story. However, over time, things began to escalate- his lows became hideously lower, his moments of peace more and more inconsistent, the triggers less identifiable. For the last year we spiraled up and down together, spent weeks feeling like we were drowning in ourselves, feeling equally helpless to mend our situation. We care about each other very much, and although he's admitted that his struggle to manage his BPD has affected our relationship negatively, I am also painfully aware that my issues (depression, abandonment, neglect) have played a consequential role as well, or potentially aggravated our situation further. We're doing everything we can make to healthier choices for ourselves and hoping to salvage our partnership.
I wish I could have reached out when we were deeper in the pits, and maybe I could have salvaged more of us sooner. But as it stands today, we have chosen to live separately- the compromise I had offered him when he would propose "all or nothing" situations. He'd lash out, as if our relationship was smothering him, so I'd tell him it was ok , that I still loved him, and if he needed freedom or detachment that I wanted what was best for him. We'd find a moment of sad peace. And maybe within the hour, or the day, or sometimes only minutes would pass and he would fall apart all over again, telling me how important I was to him and how terrified he was if I left, that he loved me he just hated himself, that we could try something else but breaking up was not the answer. And so I would stay, because I wanted to, and encourage him to try other solutions. He'd look into counseling, read books, reach out to friends. But days, maybe weeks would go by, and he would spiral out again, like he was suffocating, and we find ourselves having an "all or nothing" conversation. I would get so exasperated. You want me to leave but you want me to stay but it all depends on how you feel by the minute. I was never sure which side of him was being more honest, the part screaming for space or crying for companionship. But every time he said he wanted to keep trying, I was willing to keep trying because I know that he is much more than the demons he fights, and I have never loved him less, even in his ugliest moments.
This was my life, everyday, for the past year. It took me almost 9 months going back and forth like this to convince him to try a compromise. It seemed that loving and living with me was overshadowing his personal identity. He needed space to find himself again but to lose me entirely was too devastating to bear. I proposed we live separately but remained together in love.My hope was that he would have all the space he wanted, and it might be easier to reach out for my company when he wanted it than to ask me for space when he needed it.
So this is where we are now. Two months in and frankly, I think he's doing better. He's using this time to regain focus on his career and some self-care habits, and he's made efforts to stay in touch with me. He still has his rough moments, days of self-doubt, but he seems to be working through them better than before. I guess it's me that's not doing so well anymore, and I guess that's why I'm here.
I still feel very much in limbo. The same painful limbo I've lived in the past year. I see him getting better but I don't feel better. I still don't know if this is enough space, or if he's going to turn around next week or tomorrow and say he's found clarity to know this relationship is over. I'm here because I still feel like my heart is dangling by threads on a blade and I'm just not sure how to handle every day. Trying to be patient, trying to give him this space although it plagues my own insecurities. I don't know where his head or heart is with much certainty. It all still hurts.
I've been working on my own depression, anxiety, and familial baggage but it's hard to adjust my warped reality when I'm unclear of how his reality skews or aligns. My tool box is empty, I've done everything I could think to try... I just don't know where to go from here... I think we're ok today. But how do I help us heal from all this trauma so we can feel safe and secure again...
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