Hello First post, my Sister has BPD and I'm feeling a bit guilty today

[Weber]

Hello Everyone! I decided to join this group because my sister has BPD and I'm the primary person she reaches out to. (We're both adults in our 40s)  She is not getting treatment, never has, says therapists are "quacks" and doesn't really seem to accept the diagnosis she was given by more than one therapist.  I've been in therapy myself for a few years and have learned that I've been in a caretaker role for her since we were little. I'm also a social worker (big surprise I was drawn to this field, ) and am able to validate and listen but it gets exhausting and I have been getting frustrated lately. She does things that I consider manipulative (like telling me a few months ago she set a date for her suicide, but will not tell me that date or any other details- so every day I'm left worrying. I have called the police on her when she mentions suicide before but she's never admitted to the hospital and always tells the police I'm overreacting).  Last night she blew up at me because I could no longer listen and told her she was acting like a Victim.  I feel guilty about this but know I need to distance myself.  She lives in another State so that's good because I can't continue being her primary emotional support/caretaker- but I love her and worry about her.  Thanks for listening. 

[Snoopy737]

Hiya Weber and welcome 

Your sister sounds pretty much like my ex-friend with BPD and a bit like my sis with BPD traits.

I guess I'm the empath worrying for the both, but I had to go no contact with my friend, because she phoned me with her spontaneous suicide ideas. Once a half year was O.K. but when the calls came 4 times in 10 days, it was too much for me. I really wanted to be her friend and have listened to her for hours and hours and even got her a hospital bed where she could stay for long treatment and for free. I had to work 3 days 24/7 to get that bed to her, but she checked out after just three days. The normal is about 1½-1 months if it's going to really have an impact. The first three weeks without her and worrying about her was really s****y. Now I have a distance and can see she used my empathy a lot, instead of going into therapy.
Well, so sad, but I can't help her, and she pulled my under as well. I had to save myself.

With sister is different, because I love her in a whole other way, wanna do anything for her. But I can't She hates therapy as well, saying that I'm the ill one (because if have anxiety, but have had CBT for years and work O.K.) and that she takes care of herself, even though she scares us and tells us that she's really ill with some somatic thing, but she would never say what, because it's was soo scary, she said. So after two months worrying about her life and health, I also reacted and mailed her that she had to go see some doctors now and to take some lab tests, but she got furious about that mail, and told me all the bad things she could write about me (I don't know what, because she'll never say - just let me hang there to dry with the accusations).  She told me no contact after that mail, and I was devastated, and now I'm also sad, that we had to part in such a rough tone, because I got mad, too. I wanted to help her and she just played "tag, you're it!" Really good at changing subjects, I must give her that. She lives also 10 hours from me, and sometimes I'm glad. Things get really out of hand when she arrives, because she can't be a team with me helping our mom, but she acts on her on spontaneously ideas about what's good for my mother, no matter that she's never there in the ordinary days, only a few days a year, so I'm responsible for our mom. We're also in our 40s, Mom is 80. I'm also frustrated and often sad, that I have these quarrels with my sis afterwards, because I don't have with anyone else, and I hate saying mean things to people. No even on facebook. But with her, she just know how to annoy me. And I'm sad it's that way, but has been for decades now, but getting worse.

Are you also sad about the last verbal fight and the things she said about you, your sister? Or is it just that relieving  and also very unpleasant thought, that you can't help her more, and that she has to take all responsibility herself?

For me, I'm sad, it couldn't work out that I supported sis in a nice way. Well, I did the first two months after she said she was very ill, and then I got so afraid that I sent the famous mail about doing something! And then she got furious and told me, it was me making a mosquito into an elephant. (even though she said, not directly that her illness could be mortal, but that she just was glad for the years she had had. That triggered me.)

All best Snoopy737

[Harri]

Hi Weber, and welcome to the board!  I think a lot of us are/were drawn to helping professions, I know I was.  Fortunately I was able to get in a small field that was mostly highly rewarding.  Social work, counseling, therapy... .it all sounds a bit overwhelming to me. 

Anyway, enough about me.  You have found a place here where so many of us can understand (as you can see from Snoopy's post).  Quite a few others with siblings with BPD are currently posting as well.   We all get it here and can understand and support you as you process your relationship.

Suicide threats, and especially those vague threats that leave you hanging are so draining and difficult to deal with.  Distancing yourself is probably for the best at this point.  I understand losing patience.  I have a very hard time with people who are wrapped up in being a victim but don't do anything to change it. 

What sort of things can you do to limit your time talking with your sister and what can you do to replenish yourself?

Hope to see more of you around!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Weber, 

Glad to have you as part of our online family!  I am so sorry that your sister has presented these extreme situations though. That is really hard. I would worry too.

One of my children, D #2 has been suicidal several times before. I get what it is to have the worry and fear, plus the feeling of needing to constantly be in touch with them to see how they're doing. It's scary. But the victimization that they can step in to and want to share with us is exhausting, just as you mentioned.

What little things are you able to do in order to allow you a break from the continual listening? Sometimes I say that I need to go check the food on the stove, or that I need to go to the bathroom. Do you have some ideas? While these are little things, they are tools that you can put in your tool box to use when the right time comes up!

 
Wools

[hellebore1]

You don't mention the roles your parents play in the relationship - in my experience parents usually have a lot to do with whatever plays out.  It's quite common (and happened in my case) that parents will usually pressure the non-ill sibling to accommodate BPD behaviors.  It's important that you not be put into a caretaker role.  Write back and let us know how you're doing. 

[Harri]

Hi Weber.  It has been a while since you last posted and I am wondering how things are going?  Have you had any success communicating boundaries with your sister?

Let us know how things are.  We are here to listen and support.