What is my role?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My brother called me tonight, and in tears he told me he needs help for the abusive relationship he is in. I got a similar call two years ago, at a time when I happened to be learning about BPD professionally. So many of the key words were there. We talked a few times over a couple of months, he said his wife agreed to couples counseling, I advised him to seek counseling for himself, read Stop Walking on Eggshells, get support from her family. Our conversations became fewer, he did some online counseling sessions, and the couples work didn’t last long. He didn’t bring it up again, though at another point he sought me out to discuss finding a spiritual advisor. But tonight he tells me that he needs help, needs to talk with someone, he is scared. He said that he does get some support from her family, and that they have agreed to take the kids for a while if needed, which lets me know that he has finally gotten to talk with them and they acknowledge what is happening. He tells me he has been to stay at a shelter for help previously. He is scared. He is guarded with details about the abuse but is tearful throughout. I talk him through some concepts of BPD and urge him to call to get a counselor for himself to help work through both the mental distress and practical problems he is facing as a husband and father. I invited him to get away and come for a visit. How do I help him? How proactive can I be? What is my role?

[WagonerHeart]

My brother called me tonight, and in tears he told me he needs help for the abusive relationship he is in. I got a similar call two years ago, at a time when I happened to be learning about BPD professionally. So many of the key words were there. We talked a few times over a couple of months, he said his wife agreed to couples counseling, I advised him to seek counseling for himself, read Stop Walking on Eggshells, get support from her family. Our conversations became fewer, he did some online counseling sessions, and the couples work didn’t last long. He didn’t bring it up again, though at another point he sought me out to discuss finding a spiritual advisor. But tonight he tells me that he needs help, needs to talk with someone, he is scared. He said that he does get some support from her family, and that they have agreed to take the kids for a while if needed, which lets me know that he has finally gotten to talk with them and they acknowledge what is happening. He tells me he has been to stay at a shelter for help previously. He is scared. He is guarded with details about the abuse but is tearful throughout. I talk him through some concepts of BPD and urge him to call to get a counselor for himself to help work through both the mental distress and practical problems he is facing as a husband and father. I invited him to get away and come for a visit. How do I help him? How proactive can I be? What is my role?

[Harri]

Hi and thank you for joining us!  I am so sorry to hear that your brother is hurting so badly right now and is in such a difficult situation.  It is fortunate that he felt comfortable enough to reach out to you for help and support. 

I think the best and only things you can do to help him is what you have already done:  be a source of support, a voice or reason and compassion and offering him a place to stay if needed. 

Your brother will have a lot to work through and yes, you were wise to advise counseling.  Even if you are educated on BPD, as a family member you are not in a position to help more than you already have.  What about having your brother join this site?  he will be able to share his story with others who have walked in his shoes and who can support him.  Even if he does not join, he can read the articles on the site.  We have a legal and co-parenting board that is very helpful should he decided to go that route but we also have a section on bettering a relationship, another on detaching and learning. 

It is hard to recommend specific articles for him to read or for you to pass on without more specific information.  I will refer you to the tools that are available on the Bettering a Relationship Board that he may find helpful even if he chooses not to stay in his marriage.  Follow this link to the Bettering Board and look at the top of the page for the Lessons topic.

I hope this info is helpful.  If you have any questions just ask.

[Turkish]

WH,

I feel your pain and compassion for your brother. 

If he's stayed on a shelter,  then it might be pretty bad.  He's a father you say.  How old are the kids and what details do you know about how they have been affected?

We have protocols here for working with members who are victims of abuse. Read past the parts which are specific to us working with a member,  but the overall info is good.  It helped me to convince my ex to call a local anonymous hotline when she was in a DV situation and felt like she had nowhere to which to turn.

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info4.htm

Specifically, you might want a to send him these two links:

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

MOSAIC Threat Assesment

If he's stayed at a shelter,  then he's likely gotten counseling.  More long term guidance with a therapist would be better as I think you are thinking.  Given a kid or kids,  this is more complicated.

We have this tool for dealing with people with BPD,  but it works on anybody, based upon validation.  It would help you to use it when you are talking to him:

1.16 | Communicate - S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth)

Your initial question was what is your role? Though he is hesitant to be entirely truthful with you,  which must be frustrating,  he's your brother and you love and care about him with to reach out for help.  I would say that you are being a great sister 

It would be good for him to join here as Harri said. 

Take a look at the resources. Let us know if they are helpful to start.

Turkish