Self Care: quick and dirty

[Faith Spring]

My mind goes numb when I'm hurting from the BPD flare ups.  "Self care", in those moments, mean nothing.  I can't think with any imagination or creativity.   So I keep a folder near my bed with this list, and want to share it with you guys with my hopes it'll help. 

1.  Massage chairs at the mall are only $1 for 3 minutes
2. Yoga place up the road - I printed their schedule
3. Hot shower
4. Write here to you guys
5. Nap
6. Listen to this free guided meditation: liberate guilt and fear self hypnosis
7. Make a list of people places and memories I'm grateful for
8. Look at the train schedule into the city.  Even if I don't go it's wonderful to see the printed schedule, its possibilities
9. Go to Home Depot and buy one of those tiny plants.  Take it home and love it. 
10.  Listen to free deepak chopra affirmations "soul of healing".

Headphones are a necessity.   At least for me.  When my dd is yelling about her impending lawsuit and order of protection against me, i need to immediately hear something else or I'll just curl up and go numb. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harley Quinn]

Faith Spring - I love your title!  It's wonderful of you to post this for others.  What a great idea to keep this list at the ready.  I am inspired to do the same as a prompt for myself.  You have some very clever options there!  Which would you say you do most often or find most helpful?

Love and light x

[Faith Spring]

Thanks for the nice feedback Harley.  I would say the most often is Deepak Chopra affirmations. They are very quick, simple and easy to remember.  "A is for acceptance... .today, I will accept that I'm a beautiful person, just as I am." 

It sounds maybe a little silly but the effect it has on me is to end up accepting my daughter just as she is, and for a few moments anyway see her, not her mental illness.  It's hard to even remember who she is sometimes. 

[Feeling Better]

Hi Faith Spring!

I remember when you started your folder, I am so glad that you still find it useful 

You have some great things written there in your list, they are all excellent for self care.

I’m glad that your affirmations help you with accepting your daughter for who she is, I don’t think it sounds silly at all, I think it sounds wonderful and just what you need. Whatever it takes, just do it, you owe it to yourself 

[Harley Quinn]

Not silly at all.  It's great that you've found this way to allow you to see her rather than the disorder.  That must be very grounding for you.  I know how hard it can be to see anything but the rages sometimes.  I'm glad that you're giving yourself that emotional space to tap into something so positive and uplifting.  When you do the affirmations do you find it makes a difference in how the two of you interact?

Love and light x

[Faith Spring]

Hi Harley, yes it makes a difference in how we interact because I'm calmer.  I'm in a place of understanding instead of fear.  She blindsides me lately.  Like I'll be driving her somewhere and she'll be chatty, asking if I like her nail polish and comparing our arms for who has a better tan and I'll feel something so happy deep down, like this is normal, she's ok, why was I ever worried, and then she says "you do understand when I turn 18 you'll be completely out of my life, you seem like you're having trouble understanding that lately.  I'd get emancipated from you but my birthday will come sooner so I'll wait."  Then I get sick inside realizing I'm an idiot.  I'm truly cognitively deficient.  How did I get to 51 not realizing I'm stupid?  Yeah. 

But- if I wear my blue tooth mini headphones while I'm with her, yes even driving because that's where she really gets me, and play the affirmations on low volume while she's talking, I can hear things that are true, and I end up feeling calm instead of stupid.   

[Merlot]

Hi Faith Spring

I love your list, in fact some of those points are my go to's

Even when we are hurting the most, the opportunity to be mindful still exists so that we can control our emotions and possible effect a better outcome with our BPD children.  This is really amazing and I'm impressed.   

I have been NC with my daughter for 6 months after she cut me off after a rage.  I've reached out to her a few times with SET and validation, only to be met with responses, each more vicious than the one before.  The last txt to me telling me that I have no soul and I am no longer her mother.

Tonight my youngest tells me that she would reconnect if only I could apologise for all the things that I have done wrong.  I don't even know what they are... .

I too felt there were moments when we were besties and we talked about things, only to find that they have now been used against me. 

Then I get sick inside realizing I'm an idiot.  I'm truly cognitively deficient.  How did I get to 51 not realizing I'm stupid?  Yeah.   

You are not an idiot, you are human and learning and providing us all here with valuable insights and strategies, your message is a testament to that.  btw, I'm 51 too and still amazed at the place of learning BPD has put me at.

Hang in there and thank you for sharing.

Merlot

[Daisy123]

Hi Faithspring,
Thank you for sharing your list! It has inspired me to make my own. Things have been outta hand, police and ER visits, crisis after crisis. I’ve not done self care, but have begun eating to deal with the pain. I’m
Going to put down the fork and make my own go to list.
Brilliant idea- we’ve all so many extreme crisis to handle and self care is a must so we can continue to care for our loved ones in a way that creates as much harmony as possible- I really love how you create harmony in the middle of conflict by listening to affirmations.
Thanks again!

Daisy123

[Lollypop]

Hi   faithspring

I love your list!

you do understand when I turn 18 you'll be completely out of my life, you seem like you're having trouble understanding that lately.  I'd get emancipated from you but my birthday will come sooner so I'll wait."

For what it’s worth my son now 27 said a similar the same thing at 17. It sounds like you’re finding ways to rise above it!  Always good to try and keep a sense of humour but it certainly isn’t easy.

LP

[Faith Spring]

Thanks LP and Daisy, Merlot and FB.  Wow what a posse I've got! We've got, I should say.  I'm more inclined to use my own list now that I hear from you that it's a good one.  And if you feel like adding more ideas to this thread please do. 

I read on another post that Scout got a massage today and I actually pumped my fist in the air LOL

It's not an easy hand to be dealt.  If it were a physical illness there'd be so much more support, right?   But mental illness is still stigmatized and until it's not, the healing will remain out of our grasp. 

But we've go each other in our grasp and that's not chump change.   

[Yepanotherone]

Hi Faithspring , I’m just about to go to sleep but I wanted  to say that’s a great list
I don’t have an actual written list but I definitely have activities I do for self care . Recently , I added going to the frozen yogurt place down the road , trying out every single flavor with those little free sample cups you get , and then filling up a massive tub with my favorite flavors and toppings , then stuffing my face !
I go shopping , I treat myself to lunch , I blast some of my favorite tunes while driving in the car . I’ve started potting seeds and growing plants from scratch . I also used to write all the events down in a log book . That was strangely cathartic . A wee trick that another lady who I met who had had years of awfulness with her daughter ( not BPD but bipolar and substance abuse ). I read that log book now and it sends shivers down my spine , just reliving that awful hellhole we were in for the 2 years when my daughter was at her absolute worst .

Anyway , I wanted to say , for what it’s worth , my DD told me many a time when she was 15/16 and early 17 year old months just how much she hated my guts , that I was an effing b***ch, that she wanted to be emancipated, she even called the police once telling them she wanted to become emancipated . Told her therapists too . Told anyone who would listen just how awful we were and how miserable it was to live at home , and how she couldn’t wait to move out  blah blah blah.

It hurt like nobody’s business and it ripped me into a million pieces when she was ranting like that .

It’s been a good long time since she said anything hateful like that , almost a year .She’s 18 now . She could move out if she wanted but it’s not even mentioned right now . We are back to being friends . Not close ones , we don’t have  real deep and meaningful heart to hearts, but I’ll take what I get right now and hope as she continues to mature and realize I’m actually a pretty good person to have on her side  .
Just a few days ago , she actually told me she was going to finish with her boyfriend , she spoke about what she felt wasn’t working well ,and wanted my opinion on whether  she was doing the right thing ! Totally unheard of and not a conversation she would ever have dreamt of having with me when she was 15/16/17 .Of course she didn’t take my advice ( I told her to think things through and not do anything impulsive that she might regret ). She finished it , but low and behold two days later regretted it, and asked me if i felt she should give this relationship another chance . I suggested she have an actual conversation with this poor guy as he didn’t have a clue why she’d finished things with him .i suggested she discuss things with him as he can’t fix or change anything if she hadn’t explained what was bothering her in the first place . They are back together again . Not sure for how long but hey ho . I was just delighted to be involved with her thinking processes even in a small way . Because she’s always shut me out completely with her personal life in recent years .

Keep your chin up Faith , your DD will more than likely come back to you xxx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Faith, chiming in with everyone else here, that is a great list and what struck me was it could be my DD's list    , she bought a small £1 plant a couple of weeks ago.  She's been through DBT and is big on self soothing, positive reaffirmation you name it, she's on it. She's a quiet pw BPD so instead of projecting her pain she internalises.

Keep it up, it works!  

[Feeling Better]

And if you feel like adding more ideas to this thread please do. 

Go for a walk.

Sometimes I just feel the need to “escape” x