In-Law issues

[Baglady]

I'm 3 months out from my (unwanted) divorce from an undiagnosed BPD husband.  27 year relationship, 21 year marriage, one teenage son.  My exBPDh has exhibited BPD traits for much of our marriage that I foolishly attributed to ADHD. My ex had a sudden-onset, no prior warning complete psychotic break last November that involved almost 14 days of terrifying raging at me almost 24/7.  He also raged to several of his family members.   This was my very abrupt introduction to BPD.  He was determined to divorce me immediately because he felt that he had "wasted his entire life" with me and he didn't want to lose another minute.  I don't need to go into the specifics of just how painful the last few months have been for me - so many of you have been there.

I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life and living one-day at a time.  My exBPDh has now stabilized to the point where he is mostly back to his normal self with family and friends and can sustain a normal relationship with me as long as I keep it BIFF about issues relating to our shared custody of our son.  If we stray into deeper territory, only then does all of his rage and blaming still manifest itself toward me.  My exBPDh wants us to "be friends" but I'm resistant and very self-protective at this point.  We meet once a month with a counselor (who was the individual who first introduced me to BPD) and we are working on trying to build a friendship of sorts.  I'm interested in doing so for the sake of my son.  I'd really like us to both be able to peacefully attend important events in my son's life going forward like high school graduation etc. It's slow going however because my ex is completely oblivious to his tendency to still rage at me. 

My biggest issue right now though is my exBPDh's family.  I'm not a native of this country and they pretty much adopted me when I married him.  I, like many of you, came from a very complicated and dysfunctional FOO and I really relished being a member of what I considered a very emotionally healthy family.  However, our divorce has highlighted their weaknesses.  I get that it is difficult for them and I appreciate that they still want me to continue to participate in family events (although the cynical side of me wonders if it's just because of my son) but it bothers me they are so hell-bent on denying that my husband may have a mental health issue.  They witnessed his messy breakdown first-hand but they are very anxious to chalk up his behavior to a mid-life crisis. They were very quick to believe my exBPDh's smear campaign about me and the abuse that I supposedly subjected him too during our marriage.  I suspect that they still wonder if his claims have some basis in truth (so hurtful to me) and their level of avoidance of the whole situation is almost pathological.  I want and need to continue to have a relationship with them for my son's sake.  My family, in addition to being far away, is fully of elderly members who are dying out.  My in-laws represent the only possibility of an extended family for my son.  Not only am I grieving my marriage but I'm also grieving the loss of what I believed to be my redemption shot at being a part of a normal, healthy family after the dysfunction of my own family of origin.

[flourdust]

Hi, Baglady! Welcome!

 

I'm also finishing up a divorce, and I hear you when you say that the changing relationship with your in-laws ... .whom you may generally enjoy ... .is an unhappy consequence of divorcing. It's natural that the in-laws are going to keep a closer relationship with your ex and a more distant and cool one with you.

Maybe the divorce is a good time to make an effort to reconnect with your family and give your son a chance to get to know them?

[Baglady]

Thanks Flourdust,
I appreciate that it is not uncommon for in-laws to "circle the wagon" around their loved one and in fairness, my in-laws are trying in their limited way, to include me in things going forward.  It's just another grief to try to manage my exBPDh's continual raging and their alternate coolness toward me.  Somedays, I think I'm the one with mental health issues - it's just so hard to navigate both the breakdown of my marriage and the fallout to all the accompanying relationships!  I feel so unheard in this process.  My ex is driving the bus and I'm just a piece of luggage flailing about, trying to hold on and getting so damaged in the process.

Trying to stay strong for my son.  It is not really a feasible option for me to try to further develop his relationships with my family as most are in their 80's, some with severe dementia or serious health issues and they live 6000 miles away in another country.  I really still need to continue to foster my son's relationships with my ex's family for his sake as much as I may get hurt in the process. 

[ForeverDad]

In that case Boundaries will be very important in any contact or communications with your ex.

Do you see the RELATIONSHIP TOOLS menu near the bottom of this thread?  One of its links is Values and Boundaries.  Review how to handle the ex's inquiries, demands, reactions and overreactions.  Here's what I wrote recently to another new member:

I found this site in the first month or two after our separation in late 2005 — and I'm still learning or refreshing my memory.  This is all a process, but in a positive direction.  Collectively, our coping skills weren't very good at first, often just being passive, compliant, acquiescing and appeasing.  We were accustomed to getting slammed down every time we tried to stand up for ourselves.  Here we have the opportunity to educate ourselves, learn communication skills, be more observant and more capable.  You've just gotten some excellent posts on communication approaches.

One change you'll note by gaining education on these matters is that you can make more informed and more confident decisions, responses and observations.  Your boundaries will become better and more effective.  I had a hard time getting it drilled into my head what effective boundaries actually are.  I thought they were, "You must do ___ or you must not do ___."  Wrong, in most cases we really can't force our spouse or ex to change or respect our boundaries.  It's almost like boundaries are to them as waving a red cloth is to a bull, it must be attacked, gored, trampled.

A key insight I eventually understood was that the boundary is for us, not the others who are more inclined to trample them.  So the boundary is on us to maintain, as in, "If you do ___ or do not do ___ then I will do ____."  See the difference?  We take charge of the boundary aspect which we can control.  The others can ignore it or not but their actions will guide how we apply our boundary.

[Baglady]

Thanks Forever Dad - I'll definitely look into the tools.  Yep - that's me the compliant, acquiescent doormat!  I definitely own what I brought to the breakdown of my marriage ;-) and I recognize that I need to do a significant amount of work on myself to help balance out all of my relationships going forward.

[livednlearned]

Baglady, three months from divorce is a particularly painful time, especially given the length of your marriage, and him initiating the split. I'm so sorry for the pain and suffering this has brought into your life  That you are also hurting because the family is so invalidating is understandable, too. They are including you, and seem to be taking sides at the same time.

The way you describe the family sweeping your ex's behaviors under the rug sounds familiar. My family does this with my brother. I notice now, after grieving for many years, that they lack the emotional and relationship skills to process the truth of his behavior. As invalidating and painful as that is, they simply don't have the skills to do things any other way.

You mention that they are hell bent on denying the truth. Are you actively trying to persuade them? In my family, I noticed that only when I stopped engaging in conversations about my brother did my family begin to speak openly about him. The less I said, the more they expressed their concern. Not a lot, but enough for me to realize that I had been doing all the emotional heavy lifting in the family. When I stepped out of that role, others stepped in.

I don't know if that would apply to your situation -- in-laws can be different, tho when it comes to family systems and dysfunctional dynamics, I am always surprised how similar they can be from one family to another   

[Baglady]

Thanks Livednlearned,
I think you've nailed the issue for me.  I HAVE been trying to persuade them of my exBPDh's mental illness simply because it was our marriage counselor that first identified BPD traits in my husband.  I felt the need to share her thoughts with my ex's very confused and concerned family members at the end of last year when my ex was seriously dysregulating and we were looking into getting him a psych. evaluation and I was hiding for my own safety in an anonymous hotel room.   I've been educating myself about BPD and many of his symptoms are textbook.  I foolishly thought that his family members would also like to educate themselves about this condition so that they could help my ex going forward but nope - they are in complete and absolute denial and completely shutdown on this issue (and his parents provide marriage counseling and therapy to others - ironic).  I think they eye me as the crazy one for persisting in my belief that my husband has an ongoing mental health issue particularly as he has really stabilized now.  Thanks for pointing out the obvious - I do need to disengage and see what arises.  Great tip and I'll be curious to see how things evolve after I back off on this.

[livednlearned]

his parents provide marriage counseling and therapy to others

 

Harriet Lerner's books do a good job explaining how and why to de-triangulate when there is a family logjam. All of her ":)ance with ______" books have a similar theme, which seem to be similar to the Karpmann drama triangle stuff on bpdfamily.

The most applicable skill I have found to help myself from helping others (who aren't asking for my help) is I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms.

I used the skills in that book, especially validating questions, to let me stay engaged while putting responsibility for others back on themselves where it belongs.

When my family talks about my brother, or his kids, I respond with, "Oh?" and "What do you think is causing the problem?" and other remarkable questions 

This is good for your sanity, too, I would imagine. Because if you don't have a skill to reflect reality back on them, then I could see how you might end up feeling powerless in those conversations.

I just remembered another good book, too. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents has some helpful stuff describing how people may take an emotional step toward you when they sense retreat. But then when you open up in response, they retreat. That dynamic is alive and well in emotionally stunted families.

I no longer feel so duped because I recognize the pattern. If they step toward me, I allow it to wash over me, knowing it will recede the minute I reach for it. That makes it much more tolerable.

[Baglady]

Thanks LivednLearned,
You are living up to your BPD handle. I'll put some of these books on hold at my local library and check them out.  Your insights are spot on and much appreciated.  I'll strive to learn from your hard won wisdom!