The blame game

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi

I stopped blaming and trying to fix after my learning on this forum.  My life started to improve!

I can’t blame my son27 because he can’t help the way he behaves.  The diagnosis, reading and this forum brought many answers and helped me to accept the situation.

My learning and demonstrating helped my family but they were always 2-3 steps behind. I feel we’re nearly all at the same step and it’s my son27 that is now catching us up.

Our family life isn’t perfect by any means. He isn’t grateful for all we’ve ever done. He only contacts us when he needs something. He still blames us for the way he his BUT he seems less resentful and more accepting of us. I wonder if this comes from natural maturity or if our acceptance of him (by demonstration) has altered his emotional reaction. Perhaps because he’s been stable for 4 months.

It really feels like he is starting to accept us as the parents he has, not the ones he wanted. You know what I’m talking about - when faced with the “cool” parents syndrome and my son’s personal view of himself (him good, us bad - but internally him bad).  My son27 feels regretful at his raising not resentful.

I can see it’s easier for me to accept him because of the diagnosis.  He accepts us with him “feeling” that we were/are imperfect parents.  This seems significant to me, a sign of maturity that we can love our parents even with their faults.

Having a BPD child is just so challenging. Trying to work out what’s going is impossible. I can see though that there is a period that when we’re here learning and changing, setting better limits and boundaries too, that our kids have their own journey to develop and mature. There were many times that I felt I wasn’t equipped, that my situation and his problems were way beyond my understanding of complex psychological issues. I’ve learnt that the power of love and a more laid back approach to life has been a strong influence.

I may have skewed thinking myself and am slightly nervous at any comments received. This is my current thinking:

It’s easier for me to stop blaming him than it is for him to stop blaming us because we are given a reason in the BPD diagnosis.  He has nothing to help root him to find forgiveness (?) is that the word?  I find that difficult to stomach.  He may never stop blaming us but we’re all trying our best to find a way to have a healthier relationship. 

I’ll take regretful, not resentful as progress.

LP

[Lollypop]

Hi

I stopped blaming and trying to fix after my learning on this forum.  My life started to improve!

I can’t blame my son27 because he can’t help the way he behaves.  The diagnosis, reading and this forum brought many answers and helped me to accept the situation.

My learning and demonstrating helped my family but they were always 2-3 steps behind. I feel we’re nearly all at the same step and it’s my son27 that is now catching us up.

Our family life isn’t perfect by any means. He isn’t grateful for all we’ve ever done. He only contacts us when he needs something. He still blames us for the way he his BUT he seems less resentful and more accepting of us. I wonder if this comes from natural maturity or if our acceptance of him (by demonstration) has altered his emotional reaction. Perhaps because he’s been stable for 4 months.

It really feels like he is starting to accept us as the parents he has, not the ones he wanted. You know what I’m talking about - when faced with the “cool” parents syndrome and my son’s personal view of himself (him good, us bad - but internally him bad).  My son27 feels regretful at his raising not resentful.

I can see it’s easier for me to accept him because of the diagnosis.  He accepts us with him “feeling” that we were/are imperfect parents.  This seems significant to me, a sign of maturity that we can love our parents even with their faults.

Having a BPD child is just so challenging. Trying to work out what’s going is impossible. I can see though that there is a period that when we’re here learning and changing, setting better limits and boundaries too, that our kids have their own journey to develop and mature. There were many times that I felt I wasn’t equipped, that my situation and his problems were way beyond my understanding of complex psychological issues. I’ve learnt that the power of love and a more laid back approach to life has been a strong influence.

I may have skewed thinking myself and am slightly nervous at any comments received. This is my current thinking:

It’s easier for me to stop blaming him than it is for him to stop blaming us because we are given a reason in the BPD diagnosis.  He has nothing to help root him to find forgiveness (?) is that the word?  I find that difficult to stomach.  He may never stop blaming us but we’re all trying our best to find a way to have a healthier relationship. 

I’ll take regretful, not resentful as progress.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Our family life isn’t perfect by any means. He isn’t grateful for all we’ve ever done. He only contacts us when he needs something. He still blames us for the way he his BUT he seems less resentful and more accepting of us. I wonder if this comes from natural maturity or if our acceptance of him (by demonstration) has altered his emotional reaction. Perhaps because he’s been stable for 4 months.

I think, if my relationship with my now NC son and what he told me is anything to go by, that it is your acceptance of your son that has altered his emotional reaction. My son didn’t think that I accepted his way of life (I have to admit that I did struggle with it but I managed to come to terms with it), and to him that meant that I didn’t accept him. He thought he was the black sheep of the family, which of course he wasn’t, but like you, when you first came here, I didn’t have the knowledge or the tools back then to help him in the way that he needed.

My son was never grateful either, everything to him was a ‘given right’ and we were there just to fulfill his needs whenever it suited him. And of course we always obliged.

I can see it’s easier for me to accept him because of the diagnosis.  He accepts us with him “feeling” that we were/are imperfect parents.  This seems significant to me, a sign of maturity that we can love our parents even with their faults.

Yes, I agree, it is easier for you to accept him because of his diagnosis, but he has no such thing to go on, but how good is it that he can still accept you even though he feels that you were/are imperfect parents, that is a massive accomplishment on his part and yours also. It is a testament to the work that you have put in to get to this point.

I’ve learnt that the power of love and a more laid back approach to life has been a strong influence.

Oh I wish that I could say the same. I used to believe in the power of love. Love conquers all! I always had a quite laid back approach to life too. But different people, different personalities, different situations, what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another. I am so pleased at what has worked for you. Sadly for me, love is not enough.

I may have skewed thinking myself and am slightly nervous at any comments received. This is my current thinking:

It’s easier for me to stop blaming him than it is for him to stop blaming us because we are given a reason in the BPD diagnosis.  He has nothing to help root him to find forgiveness (?) is that the word?  I find that difficult to stomach.  He may never stop blaming us but we’re all trying our best to find a way to have a healthier relationship.  

I wholeheartedly agree with this, it IS easier to stop blaming him than it is for him to stop blaming you. I totally get it. Forgiveness? Hmm, I struggled with that word too once upon a time, I don’t think it’s any longer in my vocabulary now. I believe that my son will most likely never stop blaming us and I have come to accept that. You too have accepted that your son may never stop blaming you and despite that you are all trying your best to find a way to have a healthier relationship, and to me, that’s amazing.

Yes Lollypop, your son feeling regretful, not resentful is massive progress in my book x  

[Lollypop]

Hi there FB

Oh I wish that I could say the same. I used to believe in the power of love. Love conquers all! I always had a quite laid back approach to life too. But different people, different personalities, different situations, what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another. I am so pleased at what has worked for you. Sadly for me, love is not enough.

Yes, quite right - each of us are in unique situations and Love on its own isn’t enough.  I don’t count my chickens FB.  My situation can easily change at the drop of a hat.  I’ve done what I needed to do for him, and actually for myself too.  I think I’ve felt a sense of guilt of all those things I could have done better.  I forgive myself.   I’m happy he’s doing well and we’re calm together but, believe me, that doesn’t mean I “get” his life or his choices.  I’m happy I was given the opportunity to at least try and improve things.

I think your son is a strong and independent type; these are good traits. We had such a co-dependency thing going on - I used to wish he’d just leave and let me be.

I’m glad you’re finding the strength to find a life for yourself. I think you’re brilliant and deserve happiness. Being here shows me that a sense of well-being, despite the problems, Has to be nurtured and then savoured. 

I’m still having difficulty taking care of myself. I’m glad you’re here.

Thank you for caring to reply.

LP

[Feeling Better]

Hi Lollypop

Too true, Love on it’s own is definitely not enough, but I always thought that I’d done my groundwork, done a pretty decent job of raising my kids, I thought that love would stand for something at least, that bond that we build by nurturing and teaching our kids, I always thought that it would prevail. But that was before I’d encountered BPD.

I know that you don’t count your chickens Lollypop and that your situation could change at the drop of a hat. I also take nothing for granted. You have worked very hard to achieve the best that you could for your family, there is no denying that, and you have my utmost admiration.

Yes, you are right, my son is very independent, I did however used to wonder about his strength, he has always had a vulnerability about him which caused me to worry for him as he made his way in this world. I would say that he has great determination though, despite whatever is going on inside his head.

I’m glad you’re finding the strength to find a life for yourself. I think you’re brilliant and deserve happiness. Being here shows me that a sense of well-being, despite the problems, Has to be nurtured and then savoured. 

I’m still having difficulty taking care of myself. I’m glad you’re here.

Thank you for caring to reply.

LP

Thank you for your kind words Lollypop, I am finding the strength to find a life for myself, albeit an uphill struggle at times, but I will get there, I owe it to myself. To be honest, I have no idea where I might have been had I not found this site and received all the wonderful support that I have.

I too struggle with self care, it can be really hard to do especially after spending most of my life putting others before myself. And getting over the guilt of putting myself first for a change! Oh my!

I’m glad I’m here too, and I’m also glad that you are here Lollypop, despite what has brought us here.

I do care to reply, as you have cared to reply to me and offer me your words of wisdom, your kindness and your support, you have helped me in so many ways, and I thank you also Lollypop x 

[Scout206]

Dear Lollypop and Feeling Better
This thread has touched my heart so deeply that I can't pull myself together enough to formulate articulate replies. My brain is busily running down a formed negative neural pathway and I need to catch it and slow it down.   I just didn't want to sign off tonight without telling you both that I am totally experiencing and understand what you are going through and all the hugs I have to give are with you both.  Why is this happening to us?  Yeah, I'm a good one for asking questions with no answers and trying to find a rational explanation for irrational behavior.   You can't be a BPD parent and do that.  I know that.  I just have to regroup.  You are important to me and have been very helpful in my journey through what I sometimes call "opposite world."   I will try to post to you guys tomorrow.  xo Scout206

[Feeling Better]

Dear Lollypop and Feeling Better
This thread has touched my heart so deeply that I can't pull myself together enough to formulate articulate replies. My brain is busily running down a formed negative neural pathway and I need to catch it and slow it down.   I just didn't want to sign off tonight without telling you both that I am totally experiencing and understand what you are going through and all the hugs I have to give are with you both.  Why is this happening to us?  Yeah, I'm a good one for asking questions with no answers and trying to find a rational explanation for irrational behavior.   You can't be a BPD parent and do that.  I know that.  I just have to regroup.  You are important to me and have been very helpful in my journey through what I sometimes call "opposite world."   I will try to post to you guys tomorrow.  xo Scout206

Scout, what kind words, you articulated beautifully.

I know that you are going through so much right now and yet you still reach out to others, you are amazing x 

[DoneMom]

So sorry Lollypop for your understandable sadness about your son.  I can feel your pain in your words. 

I agree that regret from your son is better than resentment.  I am getting some regret instead of blame lately and it’s honestly for me a mixed bag.  My daughter who is 23 holds me personally responsible for her being “the way she is”.  I “abandoned” her when she was 15 (by asking her to spend 90 days at her dads house as space for me/punishment for her for some extremely bad behavior).  Unfortunately it turned into several terrible years for her (her high school years, sadly).  Her dad and I had very different approaches to parenting.

I am new here and am still learning and reading.  Your post spoke to me and I wanted to let you know that I wish you the best with your son... .agree too that a more relaxed/laid back approach is helpful.

Wishing you some peace,

DMom

[Lollypop]

Hi there Dmom

Great to meet you!  I’m just about to leave the house for a small vacation but didn’t want to go without saying hello and say it may get easier as she matures.  Son27 is a lot different than at 23.

Hi scout

Stay strong!


Feeling better, you’re marvellous!

Bye for now!

LP

[Merlot]

Hi Lollypop

Thanks for sharing as you've summed things up very eloquently.

It really feels like he is starting to accept us as the parents he has, not the ones he wanted.

I can see it’s easier for me to accept him because of the diagnosis.  He accepts us with him “feeling” that we were/are imperfect parents.  This seems significant to me, a sign of maturity that we can love our parents even with their faults.

One of the last face to face conversations I had with my daughter, she told me that she wanted me to be like someone else's mother.  Her version of what a mother should be was more than what I could or would want to be.  It's an interesting thing and as time has gone by, i can understand your 'maturity' comment above.  I reflect that my mother was also not my vision of perfection but she is perfect in who she is and is a strong wonderful woman.  I guess for me that is the difference between the way our BPD children see us and act out towards us; and those of us who don't have BPD.

In reflection, I was having an interesting conversation with my husband about how intuitively, I feel in my heart that my BPD daughter loves me very deeply and that's in part why any perceived negativity from me about her behaviour was met with her wrath and being cut off.  She wants me to love her so completely, that anything other than that is unbearable to her, no matter what the circumstances.

I have really felt the "i hate you - don't leave me" part of BPD.  Since being NC, I gave her space and then reached out, only to be met with abusive texts about how she couldn't believe it took so long.  Last home visit, I decided not reach out to protect myself from her abuse.  When she found out I was there, she was incredulous that I hadn't contacted her, so I reached out again only to be told I am no longer her mother.

Having a BPD child is just so challenging. Trying to work out what’s going is impossible.

So yes, this is so true, none of this makes any sense and the reality of how this manifests itself is truly confronting.  But I wonder how confronting it is to them too.

None of your thinking is skewed Lollypop, all of this made perfect sense to me but I admire your approach and glad it is paying you some dividends, I hope I get this opportunity.

Take care  
Merlot

[Daisy123]

Hello Lollipop,
Your honest sharing is so beautiful.
As for your comment about love- love and acceptance is the foundation. It is what makes me commit and recommit to my relationship with my DD20. It’s so hard loving someone who does and says the most outrageous and hurtful things. It’s in my acceptance of her diagnosis that helps me keep loving her.
What parents here face is truly outrageous - outlier behavior that most people judge and do not understand.

What I’ve noticed about your journey is the development of some lifesaving skills, skills that I find so difficult to develop.
I’m here, reading and learning- and so much of that is because of you.

Yes, it does feel better when we let go and stop blaming. Its far more difficult to learn and ground oneself in the skills required to maintain a relationship. And, skills may not even be enough. So many of our skilled parents here have NC- one of the harshest symptoms/behaviors of BPD.

BPD is heart wrenching, full of twists and turns ( I apologize as  I’m stating the obvious, just thinking out loud through my keyboards).

It’s so easy to lose one’s self in this drama. You are side stepping the drama by moving beyond blame and into a space of acceptance. Very hard to do!

You are truly amazing!

Daisy123

[Lollypop]

  Merlot

I hope I get this opportunity.

I do too Merlot. All you can do is what you’re doing, focussing on achieving a happier life.

  daisy

You warm my heart with your kindness. 

You are side stepping the drama by moving beyond blame and into a space of acceptance.

.

Trying to side step - I achieve it right now because I’m in a “rosy” period because he’s in a stable period.  It won’t always be that way and I’m sure I’ve some knocks to come.  I had years of my adult son being the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing at night. I look back and wonder why it took me so long to release myself from my own suffering. 

Coping when things are really bad is hard enough - being happy seems almost too much to expect. Yet I’ve been told it can be achieved - it can be a relief to fully understand that their problems are not our problems.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

I look back and wonder why it took me so long to release myself from my own suffering.  

LP  , may this be your FOO? We don't often speak about this here on S/D board, where as they do on the Parent, Sibling, In laws Board and it's made me wonder.

Here for you, always.  

WDx

[Lollypop]

Sorry WD,
FOO is a new one on me.  Family of origin?  I don’t understand the meaning or context.

Ta

LP