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isilme
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« on: July 11, 2018, 02:31:46 PM » |
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Went to see results from H's recent test to learn what kind of kidney stones he's making, so we can make diet or other modifications to stop them.
Unfortunately, it's all stuff he comfort eats, and so he is in depressed/freak out mode.
I am in pretty poor shape myself today - I may have picked up a cold. I am exhausted, freezing, my head is not a huge issue, but I am aware of the potential for the pain to come, lurking. I am not on my "A" game at all.
Anyway. We got the results. He does not drink enough water. Duh. I knew this one. He won't listen to me, instead argues how he "can't" drink more.
He is making stones that can be caused by tea, chocolate, spinach, and nuts in any form. So, in addition to all the sugar-based goods he likes, cinnamon rolls, strudel, which he gave up for diabetes (he has switched to smaller snacks, fewer pastries, and checks the sugar, finally), he has more things to give up.
He is a comfort eater. The changes he's been able and willing to make have been substantial for him, especially when you remember the BPD and emotional issues he has.
So, when the Doc told us this, I could FEEL his mood shift. I was taking notes on my phone until she told me she was going to give us a hand out to help us - phone went into my bag (important for later). She went on, told him it may be helpful, later, if he does not stop making stones, to put him on another blood pressure med, which would on its own cause ED. Now, he has not mentioned ED to her, even though as a urologist, she's the person you'd talk to. He did not want to mention it, ask about it, at either visit. So, of course, the idea that THAT might get even worse made him upset, too.
He mentioned more pain in his side, not bad, just there periodically and not like it's a muscle strain, so she wants another scan to see what's going on in there. He's not supposed to hurt unless there is a stone coming out.
So, we are to go back in about 2 weeks. We clarify the diet changes are forever, that we are to attempt 0 intake of the mentioned items, and then she sends us to set up the appointment in 2 weeks. They ask about a date, I can't join him so I turn to tell him I have a bigwig over my department coming down fro 5 hours away. He has been told of this, and how it's stressing me, but of course my worries and concerns are not really taken in. He has no room for them, I guess.
I look at him and say, "I can't come with you if it's that date - Dr. So and So will be here." So, a nonBPD person would take that, and ask if there is another date, or let me know it's okay, he can come alone. Instead, that was filed away to come up in a few short minutes. He asks for another date, they come up with one week later, so that gives us more time to get the scan done prior to his visit. I am logging that into my phone's calendar, and I miss the lady at the desk asking me a question. I am tired, prodrome-migraines, possibly have a head cold coming on. I am a little spacey. H gets upset in the way I can see but no one else can, as he does in public. I apologize, answer the lady at the desk that I do not need an excuse (Hi - took my hubby o the doctor?) but thank you.
We walk out, and he stops me, to tell me he wants to just give up on treatment since it irritates ME so much, I am obviously upset about how much time it takes, how much it costs. I am flat footed, we are in a hallway, and he's trying to vent his emotions on me in a hospital corridor because he feels we are alone. I ask if we can talk in the car. He goes into a quiet rage - no. We will talk here. He went on to rail at me for using my phone twice to take notes, not hearing the lady, for thinking more of my boss' supervisor coming for a visit/inspection. He stated he's not coming to do any of these visits on his own, so if it's a choice between Dr. So and So and him, well, then our marriage is in trouble. I should be able to tell him to go to hell, etc, lots of nonsense. Bear in mind, H thinks his own job has about 1.5 years left in it. I am hoping that is not true, but it's a possibility. And he wants me to jeopardize mine because - feelings.
Basically - and I am proud I broke it down while it was in-progress this time, the following happened:
He got bad news. He will need to stop seeing food as a big source of pleasure (and with the ED the other source is already problematic). He needs to make MORE cuts to his foods, and this distressed him.
He doesn't want people to see me as his secretary, but he wants me to do all things one would do at the same time. Me using my phone embarrassed him, as he thought it appeared I was being rude, twice, by snap chatting or something and not using it as calendar and note-taking. He was embarrassed I was tired, spacey, both because to him I looked "vapid and rude", and also he knows he contributes to my being tired. So, if I am an extension of him and I look vapid, makes him look vapid. And he's mad at me for daring to be tired even if his health is a big stressor, making me tired and liekly a big trigger for my current migraine problems. Add in that he knows I would get myself to my own exams just fine, maybe scared, but fine, but that he can't (won't) do the same, which shames him.
He saw me saying I could not join him on the 25th as abandonment. He was upset I appeared to choose work over him and needed to be upset about it. Bear in mind, I have NEVER skipped out on any doctor's visit before for him. I think only a few times he went on his own to the local Stat clinic, and that was often because I was already sick with the infection he was about to get. Every CT scan, x-ray, ultrasound, follow up visit, etc., I have been there.
I think I was able to de-escalate things, and he was not in a good mood following lunch but was not overtly mad at me, either.
Anyway. I sense a tense few days coming. His birthday is next week, exactly. And this is one year after his trip to the ER, exactly, today.
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