Dealing with it on a daily basis

[Chosen]

I've been on here for a few years.  I would say that with the lessons (which I sometimes remember and sometimes forget. and need to re-read), things have improved.  At least, I'm no longer walking on eggshells, and I have somewhat gotten out of the FOG.  But not completely.

However, the fact is that h is still unaware of his "problems"- call it BPD, call it black & white thinking, call it projection... .it's just a name.  Thing is, he is still putting 100% of the blame for most of the problems we encountered (or, are encountering) on me. 

He doesn't finish something he promised somebody else he would do?  Because I am a bad helper.  Because he spent all his time taking care of me.  Because I don't put his needs first- no, actually, because I don't consider his needs at all. 
(My thought: if you really want to finish whatever you promised somebody else, you could find time to do it.  I did not stop you from doing it.  You could prioritise things.  There is still nothing stopping you from doing it now, better late than never, right?  But he will complain about me instead of starting the project.)

I would say that most of the things he blames me for, I have a part to play (of course I have a part, I'm his wife, right?), but definitely not 100%, and I definitely think he blows everything out of proportion.  But I can't tell him this, he will not listen anyway and it will definitely be adding fuel to the fire.  I try not to internalise it, but it is hard because I feel like I have to accept part of the blame, and for him, it's all or nothing.  I am unable to put it into perspective for him to say that he has a part to play too (sometimes he will say he is to blame; it's NOT a moment of reflection, rather, it's a passive-aggressive way of saying "he deserves it because he picked me- who is good for nothing".  The logical part of me tells myself it is not true.  But I can't just shut out my emotions like that- and I don't want to.  If I completely shut him out emotionally, what's the point of being married anymore? 

So, I would like to ask, what are the tips you have if you are dealing with this type of blame on a daily basis?  If you're told day after day that you've ruined somebody's life, that they could achieve so much more without you, that you're letting him down?  How do you not let those words defeat you, and how do you stay sane without becoming completely emotionally detached?  Thanks!

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[pearlsw]

Hi Chosen,

Sorry you are dealing with such negativity in your life, that must feel pretty rotten. Have you seen this information about Stop Accusations and Blaming?

Have you reviewed about Validating and Not Invalidating lately? Validation

It would be horrible to hear such things. I'm no expert, but one approach would be to try to listen to what he is saying although he is putting it in such a bad package. He may not respond to this either, but maybe you could say "I hear you that you are unhappy with your life. That sounds upsetting. I support you in making changes to make life better."

We can't change him, but we can try to put the ball back in his court and get you some space on this. There is no reason for you to take on the blame for his dissatisfaction in life.

warmly, pearl.