15 year old with BPD traits...help

[canadian mom]

not sure where to start... .my 15 year old d has been diagnosed with traits of BPD.  The more I read, the more I am sure that this is her issue.  Her Dr's are reluctant to firmly diagnose due to her age and the stigma that can be attached to this disorder.  I see so very many classic BPD traits in her... .blaming everyone but herself for her issues, a need for control, very black and white/all or nothing thought processes.  I have done a lot of reading and am trying to change my reactions to her in many of the ways suggested here.D is currently in secure treatment in Ontario, Canada.  She is refusing any form of step down care (voluntary residence) and says she will not do any therapy of any kind when she comes home.  She has identified our current home as a trigger for her (multiple suicide attempts in this house as well as bad memories for her).  as a result, we have decided to sell and relocate in an attempt to get her the best care we can (whatever that may look like).  She also has severe social anxiety and has a hard time in main stream school though is very smart and due to being able to move at her own pace with schooling while in treatment, she is quite advanced in her schooling. Doing the schoolwork has never been an issue for her.
We often hear from her that her safety is our problem (ie we need to keep her safe); she tries to dictate what she will and will not do once home; often gets her back up over what would normally be considered a very small issue; it goes on and on... .
I am exhausted and frustrated and feel done!  Though I will continue to fight for my child, I feel like I am hitting a brick wall both in her treatemtn resistance and the mental health system which (to me) seems like they are willing to just let her die if that is her wish (d has been suicidal for the better part of 2 1/2 years).  I feel like d is falling through the cracks and don't know what to do.  I have very little leverage where she is concerned at the moment.
any advice at all would be appreciated... .

canadian mom

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi canadianmom
Welcome to the bpdfamily 

Wow, you have a lot on your plate and it really does sound exhausting, notwithstanding you selling your home. Very stressful indeed.

Im impressed that you habe started your learning of BPD and making some changes. It is as much any of us can do and I hope this is having some benefit for you.

You mention your daughter is dictating the terms. Is this because you fear pushing back on her and setting clear rules in your home? Hopefully as she is still young you have some ability to influence her decision and involvement in therapy. A wondefful book called Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Manning is really iseful in engaging our BPD children in the decision making.

Parents who are involved with residential care and therapy will provide you with helpful guidance and support snd I encourage you to join the conversation.

Please look after yourself and we are here alongside you.

Merlot