Trouble in Residential- just got split

[Daisy123]

Hi folks,
Update on DD20... .Going on week 3 in Residential with DBT and ACT.
I just got split. DD was on a pass out of Residential with boyfriend18. They get into a spat over her cheating on him. She goes dark, sucked into her hole of shame and gets suicidal. BF calls me saying he doesn’t know what to do, DD is stating she wants to die. While he’s on the phone- I tell him to tell her he is calling me because he’s afraid for her safety. He goes into lecture mode and tells her the RTC will keep her longer if she continues to act this way. She grabs a can, tears it in half and goes to cut herself. He grabs it from her hand- so I hang up and call the RTC and speak to the nurse. We are considering calling the police when I get a text that they are back at the RTC. After the nurse assessed her, DD calls me to tell me off. She hangs up on me, texts how she hates me and how they will keep her longer and that they probably won’t let her see her BF. She swears some more at me via text.
Well I am glad that she is safe. I am glad she is in Residential. And I can only hope she doesn’t cut me off when talking with her or staff.
Ugh- drama even in RTC! Amazing isn’t it, how this illness just spills over into lives.
I’m refraining from calling her. I just texted her back and said her safety was my utmost concern and that I could see that she was very angry with me. This disease casts its ability to have our loved ones think clearly.
I’m sad - she is behaving so she can get out- instead of seeing this as an opportunity to make some headway into changing this pattern of too much pain and suicidality.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Daisy123

I’m sad - she is behaving so she can get out- instead of seeing this as an opportunity to make some headway into changing this pattern of too much pain and suicidality.

I get you Daisy123, do you know the team working with your DD? Their role is to reach out to your DD to gently gain her confidence, she is safe with them, give her hope. It takes time.

Three weeks in she's given her first pass, did you know this was coming?

WDx

[Merlot]

Hi Daisy123

This is truly awful but you have articulated the idiosyncrasies very well. The sheer irony of BPD. Very hard to be loved, then hated... .classic symptons of my DD27 too.

Glad you are at a point in your own understanding that you can step back and affirm your position on her safety whike acknowledging her feelings. Some good learning here for all of us.

I hope this crisis pases for you soon. You know we are here for you.

Btw, I am reading a book by Rachel Reiland called Get me out of here. A great biography of BPD recovery.

Thinking of you
Merlot

[Daisy123]

Hello Wendydarling and Merlot,
Thank you for that bit of information regarding how the staff must develop a relationship of trust with my DD. It’s only been a few weeks and developing trust takes time, especially for our loved ones withBPD.
As for passes. DD gets 2 per week at 3 hours at a time. Yikes! The good news is she’s returned to the RTC each time. She’s had 4 passes thus far.
And, no, I’m not familiar with the team. Now that she’s in an adult RTC it seems a bit more hands off. I do have a direct number and can call to check in, I also am in touch with both family and personal therapists. She has a team of 4 plus a number of behavioral specialists, art and yoga therapists. The average stay is only 30 days, but they’ve not begun to talk of the transition plan so I’m guessing we have a few more weeks. During PHP, they have living quarters nearby with behavioral specialists and a therapist near round the clock. DD is not interested in living in the supported apartment during PHP - although my husband and I may find a way of insisting she stay while stepping down to PHP.
The places we looked into that treatBPD specifically - our insurance doesn’t cover it and it runs at $25,000 a month!
This RTC uses DBT and ACT.

She’s texted me saying she’s no longer mad at me. I am glad this suicidal Ideation and self injury attempt happened at RTC. We live with the constant cycle of this behavior triggered by conflict between she and her BF. The cycle repeats every few weeks and it is exhausting. The flare ups triggered in the past 3 months have included police, ER, jumping out of a moving vehicle, late night yelling sessions that wake us from sleep and on and on. 

The other antecedent is her toxic relationship with her father. He attempts to control her behavior ( I understand why- he’s not radically accepted yet that he can only control his own behavior). I am constantly battling the triangulation when they are in the midsts of conflict.

So next family session is this Friday and I will need to use DEARMAN to deal with this triangulation.

[Daisy123]

Hi Merlot and Wendy,
I pushed the return key too quickly
Thank you for your support. It’s such a relief having a place to vent concerns and what not. So healing, isn’t it.

Merlot- I have been reading your title. I read from one of your earlier posts about the autobiography. It’s fascinating! It’s also encouraging to see a person withBPD go into recovery.

I’d love to hear more stories of our loved ones who have clawed their way out of this dark and powerful disease.

Thanks again for being there and listening.

Daisy

[Merlot]

Hi Daisy123

You're definitely onto something there with the yrust component. By virtue of being psychiatrists etc, hopefully they can engender that trust from your daughter. I think trust was the critical thing for Rachel in her biography.

It's also made me wonder why my daughter doesn't trust me and I certainly dont trust her at the moment.

Im glad your daughter is in therapy. Its a great start and does sound very intense. I hope there are inriads for you hear. As you know there are mo quick fixes.

Just interested in your thoughts about the boyfriend as he seems to be a major trigger for her. He no doubt cares for her and must be very worried too.

IHang in their Daisy. I hope you can get some respite