Not normal?

[Woodchuck]

My spouse has stated over the last week that a few things are not normal but seem perfectly normal.  When she approached me about believing that I have a personality disorder, she said that it was based on the fact that I have communicated that I don't feel like I fit in at my job.  She claims that feeling that way is not normal, however when I ask several others, they say that they feel the same way and that it seems perfectly normal.  Am I missing something?
A bit more disturbing is the topic that she brought up tonight.  Our son is 14 and just recently started to show interest in a girl that is in his youth group at the church we attend.  She stated that it is not normal for a 14 year old to be interested in girls.  Both he and the girl he is interested in she be focused on themselves and their lives.  She stated that she would be happy if he didn't get married until he was 30.  How in the world do you work with that mindset?  I know I was interested in girls way before 14 and I don't know of any 14 year old boy that isn't interested in girls.  With that being said, there is nothing from what I have observed to be concerned about.  I keep an open dialogue with him about life, including girls, sex, drugs etc and I know he has developed a good sense of self discipline.  He has been propositioned by a girl at school which he politely declined, telling her that he was planning on waiting until he was married to be intimate with anyone.  I have no idea how to deal with being so far apart on the issue... .there is no way that I can even come close to agreeing with where she is at... .He is a perfectly normal teen with perfectly normal interests as far I can tell.

[Notwendy]

Your wife certainly has her opinions about you and others and what she thinks they should do. The statement " this isn't normal" may be part of her reasoning to see others do things her way. Also, if feelings are facts, her feelings about "normal" may not match up with reality.

Back to the pink elephant analogy. She can think/feel what she wants, but that doesn't make it true. So you have a PD? Think pink elephant. Son not normal because he likes girls at 14? Pink elephant.

One of the challenges of living with a PD person is living with someone who could have an alternate sense of reality. One of your tasks is to hold on to yours no matter what she says. You don't have to argue or invalidate her, just don't change your mind. Don't JADE.

"Honey, I understand you think I have a PD. I think that's the kind of diagnosis that is made by a professional"

"Honey, I understand that you feel our son's behavior isn't "normal" but he is who he is, and he is showing an interest in girls. At this point, I think we need to continue to keep an open dialogue with him as he grows up"


I have an idea behind your wife's saying this. Behind all her "logic" statements " I don't need you" "Son isn't normal" are fears she is not expressing. PD parents see their children as extensions of themselves. It is uncomfortable for  them to see the child differentiating into being their own person. A child is mostly attached to their parents. As teens they become more interested in peers and romantic attachments to other. She was the #1 girl in your son's life and one day, someone else will be. That may be triggering abandonment fears, but she knows she can't say this- because it is normal for a son to grow up and form a romantic bond, and also leave home. So instead she argues that it isn't "normal".

Hang on to what you know is true. It is great that you are supporting your son.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Woodchuck, 

You've received some excellent advice from Notwendy.  Great thoughts to help you navigate those moments such as you shared.

Do you find yourself dealing with mental confusion when she says things are not 'normal?' That goes to our sense of self that can become so unsure and unsteady when we are around someone who struggles with issues like we see in BPD.

You are doing a good job from all that I see with your son. Kudos to you. 

Wools