Got Settlement Date...Got Lots of Questions

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey all,
  I now have a settlement date. After the first of the year. I now need to:
  
  1) Submit my discovery requests. Told L today that I have no Idea what I'm asking for. On the scheduling form I received last week, it said something about interrogatories. Anyone know if interrogatories in divorce can ask personal questions?
  2) Find a support person to go with me. Support person cannot be argumentative. Would you all recommend I bring my friend who is also a CPA or just one of my sisters?
  3) Does anyone know if I have to agree to the settlement offer that day, or can I go home to think>

Thanks!   This has not been fun, and I'm really tired of being so stressed.

TMD

[toomanydogs]

Hey all,
  I now have a settlement date. After the first of the year. I now need to:
  
  1) Submit my discovery requests. Told L today that I have no Idea what I'm asking for. On the scheduling form I received last week, it said something about interrogatories. Anyone know if interrogatories in divorce can ask personal questions?
  2) Find a support person to go with me. Support person cannot be argumentative. Would you all recommend I bring my friend who is also a CPA or just one of my sisters?
  3) Does anyone know if I have to agree to the settlement offer that day, or can I go home to think>

Thanks!   This has not been fun, and I'm really tired of being so stressed.

TMD

[flourdust]

Anyone know if interrogatories in divorce can ask personal questions?

What do you mean by a personal question? I think they can ask just about anything; your lawyer may advise you to object to particular questions, which leaves it up to the court to decide if you need to answer them.

Would you all recommend I bring my friend who is also a CPA or just one of my sisters?

Bring either one, depending if that person can fill the role of being supportive.

Does anyone know if I have to agree to the settlement offer that day, or can I go home to think>

I can't imagine that you are required to come to agreement.

As always, your lawyer is better positioned to answer these questions for your particular jurisdiction than our general advice.

[david]

My exs' lawyer sent an interrogatory. It was 15 to 20 pages long. Most of my answers were NA. (not applicable or "none of your business" ). My attorney sent the same exact thing to my exs' attorney since it was so over the top. My attorney was fine with the NA. Make sure your attorney looks it over. I never saw exs' so I don't know what she did.

[whirlpoollife]

Interogorties usually happen long before a settlement date.  At least it did in my case.  I had to answer detailed financial questions on minut family heirlooms of mine, ( xh felt they were marital property)   who paid for airfare to visit my family for many many years back and then going back and forth to take care of my sick mom. I paid in all and had to prove it .  Every bank account for many years back .  Who paid for down payment , house improvements.  What name are vehicle titles.   I had to answer if I had a safe deposit box .  I did , but had only my journels in it.  I wish I put NO on that answer and that would of been the end of it.
The attornies then wanted to see inside to see if I was hiding money from everyone.  Begging my attorney to believe me,  I ended up closing it but with that accusation still hovering .
Many pages and many stressful hours to answer  all the questions.   My first and second attorney said I had to answer.  In return on xh questions.  He got away with , " I don't know , ask her"

For settlement , I would keep the questions asked, pertaining to what is and what is not marital assets, ( what needs to be divided)   Ask your L if it would benefit you if you asked more.   And don't feel you have to answer all of his questions in return. 

[ForeverDad]

I would have written along david's line of thought.  It's okay to say, "I don't know" or "I don't recall" or "That's personal and not relevant to the divorce", etc.  Be as brief as possible, too often when we keep talking we get ourselves deeper into a quagmire of explaining ourselves.  It could very well be a fishing expedition, seeking info to weaken your case.  Is there a reason your lawyer won't be there?

Hmm, do you know the purpose of the depositions?  I've heard they're invaluable so the opposite side can ask the same questions in court, if not settled by then and see if they get a different answer.  I've heard that some here who had depositions would pause after each question to think before speaking, giving their lawyer time to object if appropriate.

They may try to say "take our offer now or else the offer goes away and we go to court".  That's their offer and they decide a timeline.  However, if you feel pressured, that's probably a sign you need time to ponder or need a consultation with your lawyer if not present.  If your lawyer is there or can be reached, L may say 'Go for it!' or 'Wait and let them sweat a bit more'.

As a general rule of thumb, not scientific of course, but the first offers typically aren't the best offers possible, offers often get better as time goes on.  I don't know how they would react but you can, with approval of your attorney, make a counter offer.

In my case, when I was seeking custody her lawyer sent interrogatories suitable for a divorce.  Even so, I sent 600 pages of information.  Peeved, my lawyer's response was to also send his own questions, very focused.  Want to guess how many pages we got?  Zero!  Nothing came of it, but then we didn't have significant assets and whatnot in dispute.  You do.

[formflier]

You never HAVE TO settle. 

Usually as trial gets closer people start to worry more and become more amenable to settle.

I would ask your lawyer for a recommendation of what to ask for first.  Most importantly ask to understand why the L suggests that.

Use that as a starting point.

You care about the house, so I would get a full legal history on the house and how much has actually been paid for it.

I would have to guess that tax returns for the trust are good to ask for as well.

FF

[toomanydogs]

What do you mean by a personal question? I think they can ask just about anything; your lawyer may advise you to object to particular questions, which leaves it up to the court to decide if you need to answer them.

My STBX has claimed we never consummated our marriage. I'm trying to prepare for at least some of his questions in discovery will be centered on whether I was "really" his wife.

I can't imagine that you are required to come to agreement.

As always, your lawyer is better positioned to answer these questions for your particular jurisdiction than our general advice.

Thanks Flourdust. My L got back to me regarding the agreement. And in my state the settlement conference is expected either to end in an agreement, and at least a memorandum of agreement is drawn up, or it will end up failing, and we'll head to trial.

TMD

[toomanydogs]

My exs' lawyer sent an interrogatory. It was 15 to 20 pages long. Most of my answers were NA. (not applicable or "none of your business" ). My attorney sent the same exact thing to my exs' attorney since it was so over the top. My attorney was fine with the NA. Make sure your attorney looks it over. I never saw exs' so I don't know what she did.

Hi David,
  I'm figuring I'll respond as you did if I'm hit with nonsensical questions, which, given my STBX and FIL, will be plentiful.
  Thanks,
TMD

[toomanydogs]

You never HAVE TO settle. 

Usually as trial gets closer people start to worry more and become more amenable to settle.

I would ask your lawyer for a recommendation of what to ask for first.  Most importantly ask to understand why the L suggests that.

Use that as a starting point.

You care about the house, so I would get a full legal history on the house and how much has actually been paid for it.

I would have to guess that tax returns for the trust are good to ask for as well.

FF

Hey FF,
  I'm kind of low this morning. I don't know if it's me--I can be kind of argumentative, or if it's the L--she can be abrasive.
  But I got email from her, once again bringing up the waiver of conflict, with an aside that she doesn't think that the L who represented me in the prenup had engaged in malpractice.
  I don't think she understands my position, but I feel like I'm more than halfway into this process and a bit concerned that now is not a good time to seriously consider replacing her.
  And regarding discovery, my L will put together questions and send them out to STBX and FIL.
TMD

[formflier]

Might want to break off a new thread on malpractice.

I'm going to take a big guess and say your L is saying that from the sense of "provable" malpractice.

I don't think you are considering it in that context.  My guess is you are just thinking "that wasn't right" (and it wasn't) and then I suspect you see your L "not agree with you", when in all likelihood your L agrees it isn't right... yet has the professional judgment to separate successfully actionable malpractice from... ."dude... .can you believe what that L did?"

     Sorry you are feeling low.   Can you come to use for validation, venting and support?  Use your L as a clinician... .the person that does the nuts and bolts of the legal world.  My guess is your L deals with so much "junk" that she focuses on doing her job and not "supporting emotionally" her clients.  Perhaps she's a bit low on EQ... .

FF

[flourdust]

And in my state the settlement conference is expected either to end in an agreement, and at least a memorandum of agreement is drawn up, or it will end up failing, and we'll head to trial.

That sounds pretty normal. If you can come to an agreement that is satisfactory, great! If not, you go to trial. There's a significant cost to going to trial, so you may accept settlement terms that are less than you would like because you'll lose more if you take it to trial.

[ForeverDad]

My STBX has claimed we never consummated our marriage.

I'm sure it was alleged to crush you emotionally.  These days it might be doubtful that it could really impact the legal issues, though I suspect the consummation claim after so many years of marriage would get a chuckle in court.  As for the emotional impact on you, look again and ponder the matter, turn it around, what would that claim say about HIM?

[formflier]

Ugg on the consummation thing.  If that is getting it's way into court filings, I can't imagine it is ONLY to cause you emotional distress.  There is likely some history or precedent that says an unconsummated marriage is "worth" less.

You are going to have to be tough here and think about how you can "prove" that he is lying.  (hang with me a minute)

Step 1... .as part of discovery, get a deposition from him and get him on the record, under oath about the consummation thing.

Step 2... .as part of discovery, share that you can prove perjury in trial.

Step 3... .as part of a broader narrative about lying and deception, ask them to revisit the settlement, since they obviously wouldn't want all of this in a public trial.  Now... you've "flipped" this crazy claim on to them.  (this assumes you can prove consummation "more likely than not" happened)

Now... .if it was ONLY this crazy claim, I would likely not encourage you to evaluate this.

However... .your "case" against them is like a big painting.  You are "painting a picture" for the court to see.

Hidden money
Deception with CPAs and non-payment (breaking word on what they pay and settlements)
Unethical lawyer representation for pre-nup
Perjury under oath.

(if you can come up with a couple more, you can start building a picture of conspiracy to defraud you)

I've gotten the vibe from you there is likely a public figure involved that wants privacy.  (the Dad maybe).  Use this to your advantage.

Remember... .you are the troll under the bridge... .they want peace and quiet... and for you to go away.  That's going to cost them.

FF

[david]

WE could not come to an agreement and headed to court. Ex delayed that as much as she could. After interrogatories you have another thing to do for court. I forget the legal term but it is a listing of assets and what you are seeking as a division of assets. My ex claimed I took everything from our house, she actually did, and hand wrote four pages itemizing it all. Her valuation came to 1.2 million dollars. When she left, with all the possessions, she failed to unfriend me from facebook. She had all kinds of pictures that included what she claimed I took. I printed them all. I agreed with her valuation and simply asked for my half in cash. We had nowhere near that amount but when her attorney saw a few of the pictures it forced her attorney to settle without going to court. We settled with my proposal. Took about 20 minutes after the pictures were revealed.

[formflier]

  Took about 20 minutes after the pictures were revealed.

While I doubt that toomanydogs would get quite the reaction that david got, (one of my all time favorite stories by the way... .)    I think the thought is similar.

The basic strategy is to take an outrageous claim seriously and let it play itself out to the logical conclusions.  Then stand ready to "save" them from the logical outcomes of their outrageous claims (for the right price... .of course... . )

In TMD's case there is an obviously more emotional side to this than in david's so she will need to be especially careful about self care as this plays out.



FF

[toomanydogs]

     Sorry you are feeling low.   Can you come to use for validation, venting and support?  Use your L as a clinician... .the person that does the nuts and bolts of the legal world.  My guess is your L deals with so much "junk" that she focuses on doing her job and not "supporting emotionally" her clients.  Perhaps she's a bit low on EQ... .

FF

Hi ya, FF,
  I know why I'm feeling low, and I have decided to articulate what's bothering me here on this forum, so that I can move through it.
  Here's the thing. The law firm that represents FIL is managed by the L who mentored my L when she got out of law school. Makes me wonder (I can't help it) if she has more emotional loyalty to her mentor than she does to me. Or is she able to put her feelings aside for the mentor in order to give me her best, most rigorous representation?
  Since April, when my L has told me several different things about the conflict. Right now, she is advising that I completely waive the conflict because otherwise 1) FIL's law firm may not get paid, which in turn would mean she doesn't get paid; 2) FIL's law firm may need to withdraw from the case if settlement failed, and we needed to proceed to litigation.  A few months ago, she told me that my only risk regarding that L who represented me in the prenup, would be if we went to litigation, which would indicate that FIL's law firm was preparing to call that L to testify regarding his meeting with me and my being of sound mind.
 My L is also colleagues with that original L, and he called her regarding the language I insisted on earlier when I signed a partial waiver of conflict.
  I'm sorry, this is probably confusing. I think I'll take your advice and start a thread on malpractice.
 
TMD
  

[formflier]

I would ask for specifics about why the partial waiver isn't good enough anymore.  A few  pop up here.

My attitude would be that you have done the partial and then over to them to do whatever gymnastics are needed to make that work.  Instead of it "always" being you that has to "move" on an issue.

Regarding the mentorship.  No red flags there. 

I get it that you want a lawyer that is going to put their nuts in a vice and crank it tight... then walk away.  Perhaps if you get enough wacky things to line up... .perjury and a few other things, you can build a case to do that.  I wouldn't expect that to happen

I would expect her to help you get a settlement you can live with and I would "hope" that she can work a settlement that is better than you can live with.

Switching gears:   Your biggest job going into the settlement is to have things worked out for you about what you "want", what you "need to have" and "what you will go to trial over".

The thing is they will have a similar list worked out and you may be able to give up something you thought you would go to trial over, if they are offering a lot of something else you "need to have" or "want".

For your particular situation, I wouldn't be surprised if they want to keep title to the house, yet let you live there.

Or...

They just want to pay you cash and you walk away from the property (that would be a big $$ for you... .but you need to have that worked out)

FF

[ForeverDad]

For your particular situation, I wouldn't be surprised if they want to keep title to the house, yet let you live there.

That may not be practical.  For both parties, there needs to be an End to the matter.  If you continued to live in a house owned by them, you'd still have contact regarding repairs, possible unpaid utilities, insurance or other bills, etc as has already happened.  However it turns out, walking away and not looking back, legally speaking, is necessary to put a nail in it, as I see it.

FF did have a point... .you probably have an option to take cash or other incentives and literally walk away.  Would you consider that?  Do you 'have' to keep the house?  I think you mentioned animals on the property.  Do you have to keep 'that' house?  Wouldn't another, somewhere, serve as well?  As much as you consider it too upsetting to move, that may give you a fresh start elsewhere.  (Too many of us cling to a specific house, even when it's not practical.  Home is not a house, home is where we live, wherever we happen to live.)

[toomanydogs]

FF did have a point... .you probably have an option to take cash or other incentives and literally walk away.  Would you consider that?  Do you 'have' to keep the house?  I think you mentioned animals on the property.  Do you have to keep 'that' house?  Wouldn't another, somewhere, serve as well?  As much as you consider it too upsetting to move, that may give you a fresh start elsewhere.  (Too many of us cling to a specific house, even when it's not practical.  Home is not a house, home is where we live, wherever we happen to live.)

Absolutely I’d accept that. What is be willing to go to trial over is havubgba place where I can keep my animals. Whether that house is where I am now or somewhere else I’d be fine.

TMD