Breaking free is breaking my heart

[GreenSwampGuy]

Wow where do I begin? So things with my wife have been getting worse and worse over the past few years.  Multiple therapists have theorized that she has BPD but we never got a solid diagnosis.  The past six months she started putting her hands on my son and I.  My therapist put me in touch with a domestic violence shelter who in turn put me in touch with a family lawyer who helped me start preparing to escape the relationship.  On June 6th I told her I wanted a separation.  June 8th she disappeared with my 3 yo son.  She was gone that whole weekend until law enforcement made contact with her.  She went in and filed false charges against me.  We went to court a little over two and a half weeks later.  Weeks where she had custody of my son.  She voluntarily dropped the domestic violence allegations against me but the judge wanted us both to get psych evals due to my history of ptsd/tbi from my service in Iraq.  So now she and I are sharing custody switching every three days until we go back to court.  She keeps switching lawyers and each new lawyer she has new accusations.  I just want my little boy to be safe, happy, and in a stable environment.  I also wish she would find happiness and stability.  Thanks for letting me vent.  This is such a hard transition.

[ForeverDad]

   Welcome!  We've been there, done that.  What you're facing is not an uncommon story around here.

I want to caution you about something up front.  Nothing wrong with wanting your spouse to "find happiness and stability".  We wanted that too for our spouses.  However, we have little if any control over that.  You can't fix her.  Maybe, just maybe, if she does want help then you could support her.  But for many here it was like that old story, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink."  The Denial is that great.  Already she is willing to throw you in front of the bus (numerous unsubstantiated allegations) that shows no sign of ending anytime soon.

Most here, facing an obstructive and attacking spouse, saw no hope of merely Separating, and ended up Divorcing.  Don't feel bad or over-guilted, you surely tried hard to make a dysfunctional relationship work.  The task was simply too much, not your fault at all.

I recall a tactic my ex's attorney tried to use against me.  Like most couples, I'm taller and heavier than my ex.  He tried to get me to agree that she had basis to be fearful of me.  (That doesn't make sense, otherwise then children would have basis to be fearful of both parents because they're smaller.)  But then he tried to make me look like a Controller.  He asked, ":)o you want your wife back?"  He expected me to say Yes and then he could claim I was a Controller and wanted her back under my control.  But I said, "No, not the way she is."  He stopped trying to paint me as a bad guy.

As for a diagnosis, few here have learned of a diagnosis.  Courts generally don't want to put a diagnostic label on a parent.  Instead, they focus attention on behaviors and more so on the parenting behaviors (how the kids are impacted) than the adult behaviors (how you two bickered or whatever).

You may imagine the court would be very concerned that she blocked exchanges back to you.  Actually it's more like just another day working at court for them.  They will give more attention to setting an order that requires compliance going forward than why she was obstructive.

While a psych eval is definitely helpful and it is great that both of you were ordered to comply, the benefit may be limited.  Why?  It may not be in-depth enough to provide a recommendation to the court on how the parents' mental state and perceptions impact custody and parenting.  In my case both my spouse and I were ordered to get psych evals.  I of course complied and shared my results, anxiety.  However, I never learned whether she ever complied and a few months later that particular action was dismissed.  A year later, once a divorce was filed and a temp order set, we did get ordered to mediation and then a Custody Evaluation which definitely delved into the deeper issues of custody and parenting.

When facing court, high conflict, vicious allegations and likely divorce, an essential handbook is, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger.

[DivDad]

I married and divorced an uBPD with 2 children.
I don’t know the domestic laws in your state, but you might want to consider going straight to divorce   You need to seek counsel from your family counselor and L about that avenue. BPD thrive on chaos. It’s been my experience BPD don’t really have a sense of shared custody and going by the rules.  You need to focus on developing a solid parenting and custody schedule with your L.  Make sure you have a pretty defined annual schedule as to when and where the 50/50 custody occurs.  (i.e. alternating custody on major holidays and events) Because you will need to show the court later that it was violated…and it will be violated. Plan ahead.  In my state, the court frowns upon violating a parenting schedule so you need to get that defined and squared away to protect your son.      Once the (separation) divorce is finalized and you are living in separate households, the BPD will more than likely start putting your son in the middle of all your disputes. 
Hire an attorney.  Factor in therapy and costs for your son. My BPD went through a number of L’s and it was apparent with the court that the BPD was shopping around for accusations and outcomes.   Depending on your state, ask your attorney about getting a court appointed guardian ad litem (GAL) for you son. If you can, get one that is an attorney, but most states have GAL social workers.  You have your attorney, your stbx has hers.  The GAL represents your son IN THE COURTROOM.  It’s worth looking into.
Stop having phone conversations with your stbx.  Only do so if the subject is about your son. Steer away from all other topics. Eventually, wean yourself off of all conversations.  It will help YOU get some clarity on things and the verbal abuse. Tell the BPD that you only want to communicate via email or text messages…AND SAVE THEM.  (Tell the BPD that you just don’t want to upset her…with verbal conversations…hence email/texts). You will need the emails/texts later for your attorney when it comes to round 2 and 3.  And get in the habit of putting all email and text message in chronological order! It will not only help your L, but also give you some clarity as to the communication pattern of the BPD.  There is a pattern.   In dealing with emails and texts from a BPD, my parent coordinator gave me very good advice.  Deal with ONE issue and ONE response per email. Try and separate the issues.  Try not to answer back on multiple issues in one email or text. If you get two issues in one email/text, address one is a separate email…and then start a new with something like, “oops, I forget to mention... .” etc.  Too, separate and stick to issues that mainly concern and impact your son. Don't stray off trying to respond or defend an accusation. Again, SAVE all emails and texts in chronological order.
 Good luck!

[livednlearned]

Hi GreenSwampGuy,

How are you doing? This is a good place to vent and share what you're going through.

I'm glad you took steps to protect yourself and your son, and to put safety first. And props to the DV shelter for validating your experience.

What kind of psych eval did the judge order? You may find that even tho you comply with court orders, she does not. Are there any deadlines in the order for the psych eval? Do you know if the psych evals will be shared with both parties, or is it only the Ls who get to see the results?

Hope you're hanging in there and doing ok, spending lots of time with your son and making a new life for yourself. Are you getting good support for your ptsd/tbi?

Keep posting. It really does help 

LnL

[david]

"She keeps switching lawyers." Maybe her lawyers figure her out, find a way out, and she looks for another one.
 

[GreenSwampGuy]

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for the great advice and support.  It is such a relief to know I'm not the only one who has gone through this kind of madness.  The judge ordered that we get the psych evals done by the next court date which is in September.  My lawyer mentioned that my ex had a psych eval supposedly scheduled but we don't know if or when she'll go to it.   Supposedly, though the psych evals should be done by the next court date.  I get great support for my ptsd/tbi.  I go to group therapy at the vet center which is a branch of the va specifically for combat vets for the most part and I have a one on one therapist here in town.  For those of you who have gone through this and have kids with someone with BPD how do things work after the court stuff is done?  Does the BPD in your life continue to try to hurt you or at some point do they lose interest and seek out a new person to target?  Thanks again.

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi,
Just a quick note, I learned that insurance does not cover psychiatric evaluations that are not medically necessary. They are expensive. $800-$1800, depending on the doctor. I did one for myself, proactively, before being court ordered to do it. I wanted to be able to choose the doctor, and location. So I had to find a way to pay for it. I’m not sure if insurance companies honor court order, but medically necessary makes sense. Might want to check your insurance and start scouting out doctors.

Dig

[livednlearned]

Does the BPD in your life continue to try to hurt you or at some point do they lose interest and seek out a new person to target?  

The spectrum of traits and behaviors is broad. On this board, we probably represent the higher end of high-conflict. Bill Eddy (author of Splitting) points out that not all people with BPD are high-conflict personalities (HCPs). An HCP is someone who has a target of blame, recruits negative advocates, is a persuasive blamer, and has some kind of PD.

When it comes to severity of conflict, he breaks them down further into three categories:

*generally cooperative, not dangerous
*not cooperative, not dangerous
*not cooperative, dangerous

Dangerous in our situations means false allegations (legal abuse), substance abuse, child abuse, DV.

A lot of people here also deal with parental alienation. It's a good idea (start now) to learn how to raise emotionally resilient kids when one parent has BPD. There are a lot of good resources on this board, and a ton of collective wisdom, about how to change your parenting skills to reflect the new normal. The skills are not intuitive and must be learned, but they can be learned, and they do work  

Your experience serving is probably a good analogy. You are handling the emotions, the changes in behaviors, everything that has occurred after serving. You are managing them and putting your life back together, and probably becoming more emotionally healthy than many people who haven't had to confront their inner lives and the mysteries of how they *work*.

Managing someone with BPD after a divorce is a bit the same. She will continue to be who she is now, and you will continue to manage your own emotions, your son's emotions, getting healthier through therapies and skills that increase emotional resilience.

Without treatment, she won't. She may have flare-ups and file more false allegations. It's a good sign that she dropped this most recent one. If that is to be her M.O. then it's bad she is starting things, but good she has no follow-through.

You may want to start keeping all of your receipts, anything that shows time stamps and whereabouts in case another false allegation comes along.

The short answer to your question is that it depends  Everyone probably acts a bit BPD during a custody battle   but people with untreated BPD tend to act BPD long after. You will want to stick to the court order, and she will have a hard time with that (they are boundaries... .), so that behavior is likely to continue. Being more or less skilled in managing her dysregulations may help diminish the degree of conflict to some extent.

[david]

Our first custody order was in 2007. Ex did not like certain parts of it and fought them. We had a parent coordinator that got tired of exs' attacks at certain parts. The coordinator gave in and changed those parts. Fortunately our state Supreme Court ruled that the only one that can change a custody order is a judge and everything reverted back to the original order. That went from 2007 through sometime in 2010.
Went back to court in late 2010. I was able to get more time with our boys. By then ex seemed to have lost the will to fight. I think her intensity could not be sustained any longer. I also believe 50/50, which the courts agreed to, took the wind out of her sail. She no longer had the "power" she thought she had.
The first few years were the most difficult. Ex made various false allegations and I was constantly defending myself. I built a big wall around myself. I isolated myself from her as best I could. I only communicated through email and only about specific circumstances pertaining to our boys. Stated facts only. I was concerned that would not be good for our boys and was willing to change but surprisingly this worked out great. Ex lashed out by making more outrageous allegations against me in her emails. I ignored them but did save them all.
Her behaviors have subsided to a very large extent. However, they haven't stopped. This last Mothers Day both boys were with their mom. When they returned they told me a story that their mom told them. She alleged that I was one of the major distributors of pot in our area. She told them I have a large farm of plants in a park near my residence. They both laughed out loud when she told them the story and she got angry and yelled at them. She tried to convince them even more after that. She insisted my mother, she passed away three years ago, told her all about it. Ex hasn't spoke to my mother since around 2008 because she was just as evil as me. I noticed her allegations got more and more outrageous the less I communicated with her. I guess her mind makes things up and she goes with it. By the way, I don't smoke anything. Never did.

[40days_in_desert]

GreenSwampGuy,

As you've probably been told and probably already know, everyone is different whether BPD or not. I say this because I found it important to remain tethered to that so I could see my ex as an individual instead one of a group of people who have been taken over by aliens or something... .

~Having said that, here are a few of my personal experiences that were "gifts" from my ex after we separated/divorced: (all not true at all)

~Like david said, my ex told my oldest girls that I use to be the largest marijuana dealer in our area and was actually head of dangerous gang/cartel.

~I was accused of having not one but two homosexual affairs.

~My daughters were told my ex that I had prostitutes in my hotel room whenever I traveled for work. I traveled 80-100 nights a year for work.

~I was accused of buying a platonic female friend of mine a brand new car. Reasoning for this was that my friend bought a new car and it was possible that I bought it for her. (Honestly was my ex's justification)

~Ex told my daughters that I had given her permission to talk to her then ex-boyfriend and now current boyfriend, while we were living together. This permission was supposedly granted 6 years before we separated.

~Ex attempted to blackmail me by threatening to have me put in jail if I didn't sign a settlement agreement that she had typed up.

~About a month ago, she tried to say that I "duped" her on the amount that she agreed to for spousal support for the divorce to be finalized. She had already signed the agreement and it was a done deal so I had no legal concerns. It was the smear campaign and the effect on our children that became an issue. I had the meeting between myself, the ex and the mediator recorded via an app on my iPhone. I gave her a copy after she stirred everyone up and haven't heard about it since. My state is a one party consent state.

~Most recently, she was threatening to hurt herself so I called 911 who ended up at her residence while one of our children was there.

These are by no means all inclusive over the past 3 years apart from her. More like a highlight reel. Good luck and keep posting brother!

[ForeverDad]

The judge ordered that we get the psych evals done by the next court date which is in September.  My lawyer mentioned that my ex had a psych eval supposedly scheduled but we don't know if or when she'll go to it.   Supposedly, though the psych evals should be done by the next court date.

Beware of sharing your results before she shares her results.  I too faced a psych eval when I first separated.  Fortunately we were both ordered to get one, no doubt because we both had petitions against the other.  (Often we get stuck as the only one evaluated because the target/accused usually gets far more scrutiny than the accuser.  So it is good you both got that order!)  My lawyer delivered my eval to her lawyer and the court.  However, guess who evidently never got evaluated?  Yes, my problem ex!  To this day a dozen years later I still don't know if she got one or not, she sure didn't turn it over.  For that reason I strongly encourage you to tell your lawyer not to submit the results until both results are available.  "Ex's Lawyer, I have the results of my clients psych eval.  Please advise when your client's psych eval is completed so we can exchange them."

A psych eval may be of limited benefit unless it includes in depth interviews with all in the family so the impact on the children can be reported and addressed.  In most areas that is called a custody evaluation and sadly is even more expensive.  But at least a psych eval can indicate whether a spouse is a problem person or a reasonably normal one.

[livednlearned]

What kind of psych eval were you both ordered to get?

[DivDad]

GreenSwampGuy, there’s lots of good advice in this string of messages. You are just starting out on the long legal journey. Just hang in there. We have all been through what you are now experiencing. My two cent comments are:  You need to think down the road and anticipate what the BPD will do or maybe do  after the D is finalized. Don’t go with a boilerplate parenting schedule. Most assume parents will be amiable involving child rearing. Sometimes this is not the case.  Be VERY specific as to pick up and drop off dates and times, vacations, holidays, etc.  It’s difficult to modify the schedule later on. You need to assume the BPD will violate the schedule.  If so, ask your L how to document it and what are your recourses and plan accordingly.   Each state is different.  To reiterate what others have said, make sure that shared information is given to each lawyer at the same time.  You mentioned that you and the BPD have court appointed psych exams as deliverables to a judge “in September.” It is unclear if the results  go directly to the court or retained by the L’s for submission.  If the latter, there needs to be a paper trail date from your L to the BPD L as to the exact date of the document exchange or submission.   In my case, my L made sure that deliverable documents had crystal clear dates for submission.  My L. didn’t send documents until he was assured by the BPD L that her document was ready. It doesn’t bode well with judges when missed deliverables are taking up their time.  All they can do is reschedule a hearing, and you are back to square one.   This also goes for swapping financial affidavits involving assets and income.  Most states have a set financial form, and it should be use by both parties…with a clear date of exchange.   Other things… Don’t put yourself in a situation where you are alone with the BPD.  Try and keep communications via emails and text messages.  If you do have to meet, pick a neutral place like a coffee shop, etc. Always have other people around you.  I have mentioned this in other posts but give your L a short course in BPD.  It will help the L better understand what is going on and what needs to be done during the “honeymoon” phase of starting D proceedings.  I know you might think all of this might be a bit over the top, but it’s not. 

[GreenSwampGuy]

Thanks for all the support and advice.  Its been a rough go dealing with my ex.  Her behavior continues to get worse and worse.  The lies get bigger with each professional she sees.  Now she's saying that for years Ive threatened her with guns in order to have sex.  She's also been trying to alienate my son from me.  And to top it all off with the proverbial cherry she and her "friend" have talked about killing me in front of my three year old.  Ive let my lawyer and the sheriff's department know about it.  However, there isn't much anyone can do since the threat and information came through my son.  Hopefully, we will go to court next month.  This is all exhausting and frustrating but all I can do is just keep pushing forward for my son's sake.

[ForeverDad]

She is trying to make you look worse than her.  Not surprising.  Most of us have been badmouthed that way.  You'll get though it.

Fair warning... .Always be on your best behavior.  One outburst and she'll try to make everyone believe that's your pattern of behavior.  Your task is to be the (reasonably) best parent you can be.  Your focus is your children.

Right now the court doesn't really know either of you.  Hopefully the psych eval and the reports from the professionals will assist the court in coming to informed decisions.  Frankly, courts often seem willing to grant mothers default preference.  (My domestic relations court ignored that my ex was facing a Threat of DV charge in municipal court and I had temp possession of the marital residence while the case was pending, and instead made a decision based on work schedules.  I stated I worked a regular schedule and she claimed she worked from home.  She got temp custody and majority time.  It was several years later before I got custody and a couple more before I got majority time.)

In most cases the court is "less bad" than what the ex would want or demand.  This is a journey, not a single event.  If the court hearing goes well, great.  If not so well, then it's just one of many bumps in the road.  Keep your eyes on your goal, to be a parent, come what may.