Delusion of Forgive and Forget

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Gems,
I hope you're feeling better today. Another thought for low-cost therapy is your local DV center. They could help you unwind all those extremely painful experiences beginning when you were a child.

Let us know how you're doing when you can.

 

Cat

[Harley Quinn]

Gems,

I'm so sorry to hear that you reached out for support when feeling so low and had a less than positive experience right when you needed it the least.  Although this was not good reinforcement, I hope that you would still do the same if you found yourself in that position in the future.  There will be more than one operator and there are different numbers you can call.  I found Lifeline, which is a national service you can call on 1-800-273-8255 and they have a chat service on the website.  In fact, there is even a text service you can use, by simply sending the word Hello to 741741.  It's a free service.  Would you put the numbers into your phone just in case?

I'm relieved your dog was there for comfort.  Our lovely furries have a way of bringing us back to the present with their unconditional love and affection.

Have you had suicidal thoughts before and how are you feeling at the moment?  Recognising that we can reach that point gives us an opportunity to take preventative measures.  What was it that caused you to pick up the phone to the suicide helpline?

I read that you're having difficulty finding support from a therapist and I noticed on the Lifeline site that they have a search function for psychologists and support groups.  :)on't lose hope.  Help is out there.  

Here's the link to the page: Lifeline: Help Yourself

Cat also has a good point above about DV support services.  They often offer counselling, support groups and other services for people recovering from abuse.  You could also ask the suicide helpline who has free walk in services in your area.  What do you think?

My heart goes out to you Gems.  You're having such a tough time and I'm glad to see so many rallying around you here and offering their support.  What have you found helps you at this time?  It sounds like Gems needs to be priority number one in your world and the kindness you show others has to be extended to yourself.  Pull out all the stops and do what soothes you.  Make yourself a project.  Project Gems restoration.  

Love and light x



      

[Gemsforeyes]

From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank all of you for your kindness and your responses.  How I wish I could look you in your eyes... .

The suicide hotline number I called is the 800-273-8255.  I called the number AFTER this incident happened.

On 6/15, I was standing at the teller window at the bank and I felt numb in my left hand.  Then the numbness moved up my left arm into my neck.  I told the teller what was happening.  I took 4 baby aspirin from my purse and chewed them.  Then I became light-headed and I said, “I may be going down”.  I remember hanging onto the counter and thinking I didn’t want to break my teeth because I HATE dentists.  She called someone over, who took me to a chair.  I kept talking myself through it and said I needed to lift my arms over my head and smile, and I asked a young man if my face looked crooked.  He looked so scared.  They wanted an ambulance and I declined.  Then this lovely woman walked me to the urgent care center across the parking lot.  The light rain felt so nice and cool on that blistering hot day.  The doctor said I needed to go to the ER.  They wanted to call an ambulance.  I said no.

I calmly called my mom, and she came to the urgent care center and we went to the ER at the hospital.  We stopped at my house so I could change, get a sweater and put down food for my beautiful dog.  We were lucky... .there was no waiting time in the ER.  They did a CT scan of my brain, a chest X-ray, took most of the blood from my body and an EKG.  Then I had to do something I dreaded... .I texted exBPDbf and asked if necessary, could he stay with my dog for the night.  He said “absolutely YES”.  He LOVES my dog.  And then I began to panic.  I had left things I wrote as part of my healing right there on the coffee table.  He would see them for sure!  The hospital wanted to admit me for further tests.  They thought I had a tia stroke and there was something off in the EKG (‘Tho they didn’t tell me about that, I read it later).  But my panic over HB in my home took priority and I checked myself out AMA (against medical advice).  My mom actually agreed with me about HB being in my home, and my having to see him.

In the week leading up to the ER visit, I had had a few dizzy spells, often just after texting with exBPD bf.  We were attempting to meet to exchange items.  I had wanted to mail the items.  He wanted to get a meal.  I relented and suggested a restaurant for a salad.  He wanted to go to the restaurant where we had our first date - a special place (but relocated).  His texts were escalating and once again he brings my divorce into the mix, which has NOTHING to do with anything.  So I said, let’s just please mail the items.  I think he ended with a nice F* you”.  I got dizzy in my whole body.  And knew he’d never send what he stole... .the last nasty text took place the day before the ER visit.

At any rate, This medical incident led to a good conversation with my brother, where he assured me that if anything happened to me he would take my dog.  I also gave him my account passwords and changed my bills from online and my p.o. box to come to my home.  My brother didn’t know this, but I was “organizing” to take my life.  It’s hard to write this, that it was a plan.

So when the pain of living became unbearable that night and I was scared and made the call, I was stunned to hear the comments of the person on the other end.  I thought, “gee, maybe Kate Spade and Anthony Boudain also got this operator”.  But my dog, my dog... .the thought of taking her with me entered my mind, but she has such a smile.  How COULD I?  I wouldn’t .

There’s more... .I’m sorry.
Gemsforeyes

[Gemsforeyes]

There is this silence, but it has a loud sound.  And there is a visual that goes with it.  It’s hard to explain and I have NEVER told anyone.  The visual looks like round empty circles that begin nowhere and end nowhere.  They keep moving.  They are almost how you would define a picture of dizziness. 

I started seeing it and hearing it right after the molestation began, when I was 6 years old.  The first time I heard the loud silence and saw its sound I was trying to make my bed.  I asked my sister to come into our room and make some noise so I could finish making my bed. 

The neighbor man who did this to me was the father of my 2 best friends.  They lived directly behind our house and there was a high chain link fence between the properties.  I would scale that fence with no problem to go play in their yard.  I was a born athlete.  I think this went on for about a year.  I think I was 7 when it ended.  He first exposed himself to me when I had to sell girl scout cookies for my older sister when she had pneumonia.  I knocked on their door and he told me to come back a little later because his wife would get mad if she knew he was eating sweets.  Because I was 6 months older than his oldest daughter, and I was so “smart”, he said I should be their teacher.  So he would tell the girls to stay in the other room and he would take me in his room and put his hand over my mouth.  Make threats if I told anyone.  “You have heard the belt”.  I will only hit them harder, and then I will hit you.  Sometimes while we played ice skating in the yard, he would call one of his daughters inside and beat her with the belt.  He told me that he knew this would make my daddy so happy for later, but NOT to tell, or my daddy would go to jail.  I had NO VOICE. 

I don’t know why his wife was never there.  It was his second marriage.  He had a son in Vietnam.

It is only the last time that I am certain he put his big ugly body on top of me.  And somehow, I was able to slip out from under him and escape.  I tore out of that house, into the backyard and scaled that fence.  Only I miscalculated.  I landed with my neck and face on the ground and my legs up on the fence.  My mom happened to be at the kitchen sink, looked out the window and saw me.  She ran out screaming, it must have been a weekend because my dad was home.  They brought me inside and tried to calmed me down.  First I couldn’t talk and then I wouldn’t.  I kept saying daddy would go to jail.  And then I talked.  I remember my mom crying hysterically and my father hitting the walls.  And then my dad left to get a gun.  My mom called the police to stop my dad from killing the monster.  The police stopped my dad in time.

The next day my best friends were gone.  I knew I did something bad to lose my best friends.  The house was empty.  This was NEVER discussed again.  EVER.  This happened in 1963-1964.  For YEARS, I was afraid to be alone in the car with my dad.  I was afraid he would go to jail for being with me.  In 1981 when I was 23, I was away on a special project for work and my sister came to visit.  There was a program on tv about child molestation.  I said “He’s just like Mr. G”.  My sister spun around and yelled “YOU REMEMBER THAT? Mommy and Daddy don’t think you remember that!”  And I said, “I was 6, I wasn’t a baby!”... .

So no voice... .I never said a word to my mom and dad.  I wish I had.  Because when the rape happened,  I felt I couldn’t say a word about that either.

I have never written about this.  But 2 years ago, I did try to talk it out with a therapist at a sliding scale place.  Our first meeting was introductory.  At the second meeting, she wanted to know EXACTLY what he did to me.  I started to cry a bit and said I wasn’t quite ready to get into that detail.  She told me I was being “dramatic”.  So I picked up my purse, told her she was dangerous and left.

So tell me... .who are you supposed to trust when it’s dark and you’re this old?  And if I tell you about the rape you’ll say,  she MUST have BPD.  MY exBPDbf said it was a wonder that I didn’t have it... .that was my “aha” moment... .when I knew he had been diagnosed.

Thank you for letting me park these words in a place no one will find them.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Seenowayout]

Oh Gems.

I wish I had words for you.  I am glad you spoke of it.  What evil there is in the world! I pray for you.  The only words I can think of are that these ripples of evil and damage must somehow stop and not allow to continue out into the lake.  What was done to you was terrible, please find yourself a good therapist, you were wise to leave the dangerous one.  It will be OK.  You are lovable and loved.

Seenoway

[Red5]

Good evening Gemsforeyes,

First of all, that took guts to share that, and I am very sorry that you had that happen to you so long ago, but I am glad that your parents reacted and did what they did in your defense, mine did not.

I was also molested when I was about five or six, I don’t remember exactly how old I was, then again (almost) when I was about maybe eight, but I knew it was wrong and Inran away, both time Mom and stepdad did absolutely nothing in my defence.

My Grandparents took me over to raise at about age nine... .and it never happened again.

I grew up and met a girl, we got pregnant and married at age sixteen and eighteen, and a few years later I found out she was also  CSA survivor as well... .but her story was much longer in duration than mine,

We and three children, and the oldest is autistic, .unfortunately we divorced about twelve years ago after having been married for almost twenty two years... .

I only started to really understand personality disorders about the time of the divorce... .now, Inhavw been remarried for about seven years... .I thought I was knowledgeable but Inwas not, only in the last fifteen months have I really begun to understand,

Looking back into my previous marriage, I can see that I may have myself been presenting what may have been traits of BPD way back then, yes... .that’s what I think, Inwas pretty mixed up for a long time... .long story.

I guess I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, Inhave not talked about any of this to anyone in years... .certainly NOT my u/BPD wife whom I am married to now.

I am now fifty two... .and I do wish that I’d had the knowledge I think I presume to have now about thirty something years ago, as things may have been different?

If nothing else, all these life experiences made me a very protective father, and a caretaker... .

I tried to save my first wife, but I failed, .however this current and last wife... .I don’t feel that way now, .as I understand that “you cannot save”... .no matter how bad in your heart that you want to.

I had zero buisiness remarrying, looking back now, the first marraige damaged me too much.

Take care and we are all listening, Red5

[Cat Familiar]

Wow, Gems, I am so sorry for this hurt that you've carried for so long without being able to share the burden.

Perhaps the 2018 version of Gems can go back to the 1963 version of Gems and hold her in your arms and tell her that you're there for her and you will do everything you can to make things better for her.

I understand about the visual. I have one of them myself that terrified me for years. It's a swirling mass of black and red and it's related to losing my grandmother, aunt and cousin in a car wreck. My mom and I were supposed to be in the car with them, but she changed plans at the last minute. For years as a child, I was terrified to ride in a car. I tried to paint this visual once. Perhaps you can do that with yours.

 
Cat

[Cat Familiar]

Red,
Thanks for sharing your story. That people can do such awful things to children is unthinkable, but I know it happens much more often than we know. And when adults don't step in to help... .again unthinkable. Thankfully you had the love and support of your kind grandparents.

 
Cat

[Gemsforeyes]

Oh my dear kind friends... .

I am crying with this support.  I cannot tell you the number of times I have tried to communicate the depth of this pain over the years; and have NEVER been able to communicate what happened or receive what you have given me tonight.

The permission to express this pain from seemingly a hundred years ago.  And Red5, by what you've written and your pain around that, I release my mom and dad from ALL culpability for not talking to me about what happened after that first day.  I see now that they were most likely trying to protect me by not MAKING me talk about it any more than I HAD to.  I was too little to really understand what had happened... .at least in their minds.  Maybe they figured if I was bothered by it, I would bring it up later, and I never did.  And since the devil that did this was gone, they may have felt the problem was "solved".

My dad has been gone for almost 26 years and mom is 86.  Too painful and meaningless to bring it up now.

Cat - I'm so sorry for your terribly painful loss.  I was thinking, the pictures in our minds can be altered so that we CAN transfer what's internal into something tangible and more beautiful than what has been haunting us.  I have a photograph that my older cousin recently sent to me.  It's an old black and white of me on a tricycle, from before this happened.  My facial expression is one of pure serenity.  My exuBPDbf fell in love with the photo and had asked for an enlargement of it.  He told me that sometimes he could see that same look on my face.  So I think I'll make a collage with that photo and green grass - no fence, no barriers to freedom or escape.

And Red5 - I understand how MUCH you have gone through and are currently facing.  I am so sorry, and yet so grateful for how open your heart is to others -me.  If you want or need to process more about what you went through as a child, I will do that with you.  As I'm sure others here will as well.  And I am certain that experience has made you a protective father.  And I too, have recently questioned whether for a period of time I developed some BPD traits, especially after what happened to me in college.  Please know, we are here for you.

I have one more thing to post about.  The worst thing.  I wrote most of it a few months ago, and then I hid it from myself.  This is the thing that scares me most.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

Gemsforeyes

[mama-wolf]

Gems, thank you so much for sharing this with us and giving us a chance to sit with you in your pain.  You are not alone, and as you can see there are many others here who can relate to what you have been through... .are still going through.

I can't imagine the horror of both what you experienced and the lasting effects of the trauma.  How are you doing?  From moment to moment, what are you doing to take care of yourself?  I know that it's scary to revisit these things, and I'm sure it's very intense.  I really want to make sure you are taking care of yourself so that you have the strength to keep going, keep sharing, and keep seeking support in whatever form you can.

mw

[Cat Familiar]

Gems,
Here's hugs for your bravery for sharing those painful memories.    

As said in politics, but equally true for our hidden pain, "Sunlight is the best disinfectant." Of course that comes with a disclaimer, as you've certainly experienced: it's important for us to be safe.

I certainly hope you can find a trusted therapist who can help you process all you've been through. In the meantime, please keep sharing with us.

Thanks for mentioning the visual. I was disappointed that my painting didn't convey the full scope of what I saw in my mind's eye, but it was a snapshot, not the swirly mass that I used to see. And interesting to think of it now, because I realized that I hadn't seen that visual since I painted it many years ago.

You might think of doing a self portrait from that photo. I did one many years ago when I lived in North Carolina, not long after college. Doing it gave me time to process lots about my crazy childhood with my BPD mother and how I resembled her, but didn't want to be like her. At the time, I had cut off contact with my parents and was finally finding some autonomy and freedom from my mother's control. The day I finished it, my parents showed up on my doorstep. Unbeknownst to me they had driven from California across country and asked someone at the gas station in the little town where I lived for directions to my place.

I still have that drawing and there's a sadness in the face I no longer recognize.

Here's to the healing power of art and writing. 

Cat

[I Am Redeemed]

Gems,

Even on an platform like this, where the Internet gives us some degree of anonymity, your candidness and honesty regarding the past that has haunted you for so long is absolutely courageous. It would take a decent amount of courage just to write out experiences like that in a journal that no one would ever read. I encourage you to remind yourself that it takes a large degree of inner strength to reclaim your voice when for so long you felt unjustly silenced. You were victimized, but you do not have to remain a victim. Taking such bold action in order to find healing is a mighty powerful step towards gaining freedom from the past. I believe it is a good indication of the degree of character which you possess. You are a survivor, and you are a fighter, and you can be victorious.

I did not suffer from physical or sexual abuse as a child, but I did experience a "date rape" as an adult. For years I blamed myself because I had had an excessive amount to drink that night and also I had taken some pills which only served to increase the effect of the alcohol. I accepted a ride with a man I worked with who had tried to date me for some time. He took me back to his apartment, even though that was not what I wanted to do, and proceeded to take advantage of me. I did not consent to or want that type of contact with him, but I was severely intoxicated and so I blamed myself. I thought it was my fault for being irresponsible and not being physically and mentally alert enough to say no. It was years before I came to terms with the fact that it was actually a rape. Even now I am inclined to think that I am being dramatic when I say that. But the fact is that intoxicated or not I did not consent to the encounter. That is rape.
My resume of physical abuse would take up more space than I care to claim here. I could not count the number of physical attacks I have suffered. More times than not I have wondered if I might have BPD due to all the trauma I experienced and the emotional instability I displayed for a large portion of my life. I have progressed immensely and I now believe that self-awareness is probably the one reason I can find that convinces me I don't have some type of emotional regulation disorder, but for years I really did think I was crazy. Now I wonder how I manage to not be.
Suicide is not a stranger to me. I wish I could say it was, but unfortunately I have had more experience with suicidal feelings in myself and others than I care to acknowledge. My mother attempted suicide when I was two. She shot herself, but survived. However, I never got the guts to ask her why or what drove her to it. Even when I was diagnosed with depressive disorder and attempted suicide myself, I still could not talk to my mom about it. Now that she is gone, I wish I had. But I kept silent because I couldn't find the words. The emotional nature of it gave me such anxiety that I would nearly panic when I thought of it. I avoided it instead. I no longer have suicidal thoughts these days, but it is not in the far distant past. The last attempt was just under four years ago, right after the death of my father. i am so glad I didn't succeed, and I am glad that you did not go through with it either.
Something that bothers me is that the people who answer hotlines like the one you called are not necessarily licensed counselors. They may not have any formal training at all. Some of them are volunteers and they do undergo a training program before they go "live" on the lines, but that does not mean they are qualified to counsel someone in such distress. Mostly they are supposed to provide support and discern whether or not authorities and emergency personnel should be called. I think it is a terrible thing that the person you got on the other end of that line was so callous regarding your distress and so ignorant of the urgency the matter warranted.
Ted Bundy once worked as a suicide line volunteer, if that gives you any idea about the qualifications of some of these people.
Incidentally, I did get your private message and tried to reply, but it would not let me. I am so glad to "see" you again, and to find you still on the boards, hashing out the messy process of healing and not withdrawing into yourself without reaching out for support. Silence is painful. But you have a choice now to let your voice be heard, and we are listening... .always. God Bless you Gems. You were the first person to reach out to me when I made my initial "cry for help" post. It meant so much that someone answered when I cast that first line out. I hope we can give a little bit of that back to you here.

Blessings and Peace to you,

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

Gems and Redeemed,
I agree! It's very brave to honestly sort through one's past.    And it is the key to healing.

It certainly has helped me, along with all these wonderful voices of support here on this forum.

Those of us who question our sanity and whether we have a personality disorder ourselves--are probably very unlikely to have one.   More likely is that we are survivors of relationships with damaged people and are searching for ways to thrive. And one of the first strategies we undertake is a thorough self-examination.

Once we've done that, the next step is to figure out where we want to be and how to get there. Sometimes it's just a matter of taking baby steps and putting one foot in front of the other--and that is enough. Just progress in the right direction.

Reading and posting here is so healing and we learn that our struggles are not unique to us, but shared by many.

Cat

[Red5]

Those of us who question our sanity and whether we have a personality disorder ourselves--are probably very unlikely to have one.

I heard this on a YouTube channel a while back... .something to the effect,

... ."people who wonder if they have a personality disorder, and actively pursue to inquire about it, and learn about it, ."am I crazy?"... .these people are the sanest people on the earth"... .

Makes sense to me !

Red5

[I Am Redeemed]

Cat and Red5,
You are right. The denial or oblivious attitude is the telltale sign of someone who can't or won't recognize an issue.

And I always heard that you're only as sick as your secrets. Talking about it relieves it of power.

Blessings and peace,
Redeemed

[Radcliff]

I just caught up on this thread and am absolutely floored by the strength of bpdfamily.  What an amazing community. 

Red5, Cat, and Redeemed, thanks for sharing your stories.  I was moved by your willingness to discuss deeply personal experiences to help Gems and others.  Your bravery and compassion is a direct antidote for the terrible isolation of abuse.

Thanks to mama-wolf for your wisdom, Seenowayout for your compassion, and Margot az for your kind note.  SunandMoon, HQ and Mutt, thanks for being there.

Gemsforeyes, your courage to talk about so many scary topics is remarkable.  You have a voice.  We hear you. 

It sounds like you've had a few disappointing experiences seeking help and that certainly might make it discouraging to try to reach out again, but the help you need is out there.  DV and CSA are tough topics.  Not every therapist has what it takes to deal with them.  I know from experience that finding the right person can make a huge difference.  It has helped set me on the path to recovery.  I liked the suggestion to check with a local DV center.  If you have more than one DV nonprofit in your area, ask at several, and ask someone who you've had a good conversation with and built trust with.  There are therapists who are trusted by the DV folks to deal with DV issues in the right way, but they are special.  EMDR is a technique that can be very effective at dealing with trauma.  If money is an issue, you might start by seeing them less frequently.  The first task is to find the right person, someone you trust who has the right skills.  You are important.  You deserve to be helped and be happy.

While I have an opportunity, I also want to thank you for all that you do to support others here.  You are a vital part of this family!

It's been a few days.  How are you doing?

WW