BPD partner and daughter (her step daughter, my biological daughter) problems

[Robbland]

I've been with my BPD partner for 4 years nearly, we split up recently in October, she went into a rebound got pregnant and then announced she was coming back as I moved into a nicer bigger house.
However I do love her very much and decided it was something I could deal with.
The bigger problem is that she hates my daughter
My daughter is 8 and whilst slightly biased a lovely girl.
She means no harm to anyone and sometimes can be opinionated as all children are.
I dont really know what to do tho.
My BPD partner just only ever sees bad and negative.
Her daughter is 7 and much the same a typical 7 year old, but to my pwBPD she can do no wrong and any problems are always attributed to my daughter.
Our relationship is generally good. But this business with the step child situation is breaking us.

I say to myself it's down to the BPD that she behaves the way she does and I do excuse her behaviour but I don't know how much I should.

If she was traditionally mentally ill it would seem more accepted but because BPD is less obvious I guess I don't know what to do.

We often argue because I defend my daughter when I don't believe she has done any thing wrong. But it alway ends badly and my pwBPD threatening to leave or just being generally horrible.

I don't really know the best way to improve things, any help or advise would be much appreciated.

Thanks.

[ForeverDad]

I'm confused, when you say 'rebound' do you mean the pregnancy (or newborn) is yours, or not?

Any close relationship with a person having BPD behaviors is going to be a huge challenge.  Your child has already lived half her life around your partner.  Odds are it isn't going to get any easier.  And now with her own baby, your partner's step issue may become even for stressful for everyone.

[Robbland]

Sorry yes the new born isn't mine.

She is so angry inside towards my daughter and I feel its not fair.
If I stand up for my daughter she has a meltdown at me and if I say nothing I feel like im letting my daughter down.

I know kids shouldn't come between adults but it's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I feel like especially because she had BPD there is never any reasonableness or forgiveness.

I'm confused, when you say 'rebound' do you mean the pregnancy (or newborn) is yours, or not?

Any close relationship with a person having BPD behaviors is going to be a huge challenge.  Your child has already lived half her life around your partner.  Odds are it isn't going to get any easier.  And now with her own baby, your partner's step issue may become even for stressful for everyone.

[Nope]

Of all the people involved, who is currently in counseling?

[Panda39]

(I apologize in advance... .the Momma Panda Bear is coming out a bit here)

I don't see this as your daughter coming between you and your partner.  I see you protecting your daughter here.

She is your child and frankly to me it is your job to protect her (from your partner or anyone else who isn't treating her well).  She is a child your partner is an adult.

What kinds of situations are you seeing between your daughter and your partner?  How much time is your daughter with you (around your partner)?  I assume you share custody with your daughter's mother.

How do you think all of this is effecting your daughter? 

Panda39

[Robbland]

My partner is currently in counselling with 2 different counselors.
Ive had some counselling also

Of all the people involved, who is currently in counseling?

[Robbland]

Yes I share custody with my daughters biological mother.
Its usually a child vs child situation that triggers things off - my daughter will say something to her daughter etc... then my pwBPD usually goes over the top, and starts banding around the bullying word and how  my daughter is disrespectful etc...
An example is on the weekend I was talking one on one to my daughter about our garden and some of the things I want to do to it, and my daughter said to me "things I think that need improving in the Garden are... .x y and z... ."
We chatted about it then she went to bed.
My pwBPD had heard our conversation and went mad because my daughter was soo rude trying to tell me what is wrong with the garden how dare she assume its her place to talk about what we do or dont do in the garden etc... .
And situations like that frequently occur.
She thinks my daughter is being rude or saying something out of turn, or not adhering to the house rules, and i dont always agree and i feel like because she has BPD ones she gets a bee in her bonnet she makes a massive mountain out of a molehill, or what i usually attribute to "just kids".
My daughter in my opinion is trying really hard to please her "step mum" but its not usually received well, and nothing she does is every usually good enough for her - to be fair shes similar with her own daughter in that respect.
She copes well with it, but I guess as with any kids with a parent with BPD its hard because of the eggshells they have to walk on.

(I apologize in advance... .the Momma Panda Bear is coming out a bit here)

I don't see this as your daughter coming between you and your partner.  I see you protecting your daughter here.

She is your child and frankly to me it is your job to protect her (from your partner or anyone else who isn't treating her well).  She is a child your partner is an adult.

What kinds of situations are you seeing between your daughter and your partner?  How much time is your daughter with you (around your partner)?  I assume you share custody with your daughter's mother.

How do you think all of this is effecting your daughter? 

Panda39

[livednlearned]

That has to be so hard, Robbland.

You are between a rock and a hard place.

The tricky thing is that your BPD gf is an adult, whereas your daughter is a child, and will need your protection from what can be confusing BPD behaviors.

Your gf likely sees you have this affection for your daughter, and feels jealous. There cannot possibly be enough love to go around, especially when it comes to her limitless need for validation and attention.

How is your daughter coping with the animosity?

Does your gf have a sister?

[Robbland]

It is hard, because i want to be understanding and support my partner, but as you recognise i have to look after my daughter and defend her when i feel she is being treated unfairly. Which then makes my pwBPD even more angry as she things im hanging her out to dry.

Her relentless drive for perfect children is very difficult - she has it with her own daughter too - in my opinion she expects too much from the children and when they do wrong she overreacts massively. I have to defend my daughter, but it gets very tricky when she is disciplining hers and i dont agree with it either.

My daughter copes well although she shouldnt have too - but i know she thinks her step mum doesnt like her which is horrible to hear and also sadly in someways seemingly true.

My gf does have a sister yes... .?

That has to be so hard, Robbland.

You are between a rock and a hard place.

The tricky thing is that your BPD gf is an adult, whereas your daughter is a child, and will need your protection from what can be confusing BPD behaviors.

Your gf likely sees you have this affection for your daughter, and feels jealous. There cannot possibly be enough love to go around, especially when it comes to her limitless need for validation and attention.

How is your daughter coping with the animosity?

Does your gf have a sister?

[livednlearned]

My gf does have a sister yes... .?

Triggers for emotional reactivity often goes back to family of origin. Because those feelings are unexamined, they pick up steam and manifest in other similar relationships. Having a sibling can mean competing for scarce resources (parents' affection). You could give your gf all the attention in the world, all the validation, everything she wants and needs, and it will not be enough. Because you are just a stand-in for the parental affection she is desperately trying to win.

I found with my ex (BPD) that he was jealous of my relationship with my son, more like they were siblings than father/son. Ex was even like that with our dog.

My ex often gave emotional ultimatums (for lack of a better word). "If you take our son to that birthday party, then I will not talk to you for two days."

He never said it in so many words, but my ex dared me to choose who I loved the most. And I did. I picked my son. He has only one childhood and limited means to protect himself.

I'm so sorry you are being put in a similar situation. At the very least, you do have to prioritize your values here. If you value your D's well-being, then that's a step toward clarifying a whole host of behaviors and boundaries and actions on your part that logically follow.

If you value this relationship above D's well-being, then the next step is to have eyes wide open about what that means for D's development and growth in the years to come. You can only validate how she feels so much before she internalizes that she is not worthy of protecting

[Panda39]

I agree your daughter and her feelings need to be validated.  There is a risk to her self-esteem with a lot of critical/negative feedback.

I wanted to pull some articles from the site that might be helpful…

BPD Behaviors: Problematic Parenting
BPD parents often engage in subtle behaviors that may not be overtly neglectful or abusive towards the children, but they can inhibit healthy development in children. There are forms of damaging parenting, and people who share children with a disordered spouse need to be aware of these other forms of difficult or problematic parenting, and how their children might be affected. Though we talk about "moms", please be aware that BPD/NPD dads do many of these same things.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65426.0

When are the kids of a BPD Parent at risk?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=97979.0

Raising Resilient Kids When a Parent Has BPD 
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

Panda39

[Robbland]

Thanks

Yes as with a lot of these things, I do agree that many of her issues come from her childhood - she pretty much falls out with everyone because her demands and expectations on people behaving exactly as she expects are never met because people dont simply just do and behave how SHE demands.

I am coming to the realisation that as much as I love her, ultimately I cannot allow her to dictate every feeling and decision I make.
As you have said, the way she behaves is so similar to that of her daughter in as much as she treats or views my daughter as a sibling. She seems unable to sit above it and accept that Children will behave a certain way, but that doesnt make it acceptable - her view is that children should always behave a certain way which I think is unrealistic - especially as they grow up they change, and morph.

I do stand by my daughter, much to my pwBPDs dismay sometimes as she is my responsibility and she is a child, and its my duty to protect and care for her.
Whatever the consequences of that, I know that in the future, I will be happy that I took the right stand.

Triggers for emotional reactivity often goes back to family of origin. Because those feelings are unexamined, they pick up steam and manifest in other similar relationships. Having a sibling can mean competing for scarce resources (parents' affection). You could give your gf all the attention in the world, all the validation, everything she wants and needs, and it will not be enough. Because you are just a stand-in for the parental affection she is desperately trying to win.

I found with my ex (BPD) that he was jealous of my relationship with my son, more like they were siblings than father/son. Ex was even like that with our dog.

My ex often gave emotional ultimatums (for lack of a better word). "If you take our son to that birthday party, then I will not talk to you for two days."

He never said it in so many words, but my ex dared me to choose who I loved the most. And I did. I picked my son. He has only one childhood and limited means to protect himself.

I'm so sorry you are being put in a similar situation. At the very least, you do have to prioritize your values here. If you value your D's well-being, then that's a step toward clarifying a whole host of behaviors and boundaries and actions on your part that logically follow.

If you value this relationship above D's well-being, then the next step is to have eyes wide open about what that means for D's development and growth in the years to come. You can only validate how she feels so much before she internalizes that she is not worthy of protecting

[Robbland]

Thanks, I'll read through those - i'm also reading various books on parenting and step parenting, but without wishing to sound perfect, unfortunately the lions share of the problem doesnt sit with me, but im hoping my efforts in those areas might at least help.

I agree your daughter and her feelings need to be validated.  There is a risk to her self-esteem with a lot of critical/negative feedback.

I wanted to pull some articles from the site that might be helpful…

BPD Behaviors: Problematic Parenting
BPD parents often engage in subtle behaviors that may not be overtly neglectful or abusive towards the children, but they can inhibit healthy development in children. There are forms of damaging parenting, and people who share children with a disordered spouse need to be aware of these other forms of difficult or problematic parenting, and how their children might be affected. Though we talk about "moms", please be aware that BPD/NPD dads do many of these same things.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65426.0

When are the kids of a BPD Parent at risk?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=97979.0

Raising Resilient Kids When a Parent Has BPD 
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

Panda39

[Panda39]

Thanks, I'll read through those - i'm also reading various books on parenting and step parenting, but without wishing to sound perfect, unfortunately the lions share of the problem doesnt sit with me, but im hoping my efforts in those areas might at least help.

Keep at it  All children deserve the best parenting we can give them.

I always think of my SO as the antidote to his uBPDxw's poor parenting.  She was both neglectful and over indulgent... .Buying costume jewelry for their daughters when they needed school clothes for example, or being "hero mom" sending their older daughter to college with the promise that the "Family Trust" would cover the cost when there was no family trust (daughter now in owes that school $15,000 as she was over 18 and the student - is NC with her mom since this incident), or daughter has a stomach ache on Monday so she's kept out of school an entire week.

My SO does all the things parents do, it's not glamorous, but it's honest, consistent, and stable.  He demonstrates another way to be and you are doing that too.

Panda39