Struggling with FOG

[I Am Redeemed]

Hey everybody,

So my uBPDh has been in jail for eight months following his relapse on drugs and series of physical attacks on me. He was scheduled to be released this past Wed, but has now been transferred to the county in which I currently live for non-payment of child support. He got behind on the payments because he was in jail. He has had several court dates for child support set, but instead of the one county jail taking him to this county to attend court, they just kept postponing it. Now they say he either has to prove that he has a job waiting when he gets out of jail (?How do you get a job while you're in jail) or pay $500 to get out. He has asked me to call and see if they can move up his court date any sooner (it's set for Oct 5.) I did. The woman I talked to said he would have to pay the $500 before he even goes to court (I don't understand that) and then transferred me to a very nice man who said he would talk to the DA and get back with me, but not to be surprised if the answer is still the same- pay $500 or prove he has a job. Now he wants me to call his former boss (who knows exactly why he went to jail) and ask him A) To give my husband his old job back, even though this boss has seen my husband screw up multiple times and has fired/rehired him at least three times and B) ask this man to then call and verify with the child support office that uBPDh will be working for him if he gets out of jail.

I am not comfortable with any of this. Especially because I am the one who told his former boss why he went to jail. He came into the restaurant where I work shortly after I left uBPDh, and of course they put him in my section. And he asked what happened to uBPDh and I told him the truth.

UBPDh has also hinted that he could get out if he just had someone to pay $500 for him. I know he was trying to hook me into taking that bait. And this after he has repeatedly asked me for $100 or more every two weeks since we resumed contact in Feb.

I am NOT calling this man and asking him to give uBPDh his job back. I don't want to. But the FOG is getting me, because I know that uBPDh really can't do anything to remedy this situation from jail.

Please someone who is outside this situation looking in, help me get some clarity with this. I'm too close to it and I can't sort it out.

Thanks, guys. Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Notwendy]

Hi Redeemed,

Your feelings are common. It probably feels uncomfortable to not be "helping" your H, so hopefully reframing what help is will make this clearer.

Your H has an addiction to drugs, so the addiction model can help. AA was formed during an era where the men were typically the alcoholics married to helpful wives. Now, we know that these roles can apply to both men and women, but I will discuss it in the language of the book written then.

There is a chapter for the wives. The early founders of AA found that they could get the men well, and to stop drinking, but then, the wives were making them worse. Many of them had kind, helpful, wives who thought they were helping their husbands but they were keeping them sick. How could that be? Because these kind helpful wives were interfering with the husband's consequences for their actions. They were calling their bosses to say the husband was "sick" when he was out drinking the night before. Basically, they were keeping their husbands from learning the lessons they needed to learn in order to get well if there was any hope for that.

It feels cruel to you, but the best place for your husband to have a chance at any recovery is in jail. He got himself in there, and jail- away from temptations of drugs, his connections, the triggers that make him do drugs- is the best place for him. He may not like it because it isn't a place he can control or manipulate- and he has to comply with their regulations. He is also getting medical care and probably drug addiction treatment as well.

Can you see how helping him get out could be helping him to remain addicted and sick- and conversely- that where he is now is probably good for him?  Looking at it this way- what would you decide is in his best interest? Stay strong!

[SamwizeGamgee]

Well said Notwendy.  And, thanks for making the point about how nons / victims / supporters keep people sick, as you say.  It's a good reminder.  Also it points out the importance of boundaries. Properly kept, boundaries can help people get to the consequences they need - for everyone's benefit really.

Redeemed, prison is awful.  I don't believe that your H will be drug free in jail (there are always drugs available for the right price), though he may be able to get beneficial substance abuse treatment while incarcerated.  Nevertheless, it sounds as though he is in prison as a natural result of his life choices.  You didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it, and you're not responsible for it anymore.  It is probably hard and painful to watch someone you love, or used to love, be in a place of suffering.  I am sorry for that. 

I'd like to focus on three things you mention in your post.
1- you left your H - surely you had a reason, that reason is probably still valid
2- you mention that H has a pattern of physically abusing you.  I can't tell you what to do, but, that's a warning, and luckily you can still talk about it. Don't minimize it or excuse abuse.  Of any kind.
3 - you say that you are not taking the bait, not calling to get his old job back (from which he was fired already), and you are aware already that you're entering the FOG again.

So, let your own words that you have written give you strength and clarity.
Be safe, be strong. God bless.

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Redeemed,
Now your husband is scheduled for release, but he can't be released yet because he's behind in child support? And he needs $500 or a provable job offer to get out. What a Catch22!

You don't want to call his former boss and ask him to rehire your husband because he's previously fired him with good reason, rehired him a few times, and he knows that your husband physically abused you and that's why he's in jail. It's totally understandable that you don't want to do this and I think you're smart not to get in the middle of it.

So now you're stuck feeling guilty, as if you have anything to feel guilty for!    Your husband is facing the consequences of his drug use and violent behavior and will be out of jail in October. Will he still need $500 at that point? Who else could provide him with this money?

It is beyond ironic that he thinks you should pay this fee after assaulting you. PwBPD are certainly good at tugging at one's heartstrings. Stay strong, Redeemed. As Samwize says, remember the three Cs, and you are not responsible for your husband's choices.  

Cat