All her tests on me have no effect to a point it seems she’s stopped trying now ? I do my own thing when we aren’t together and I don’t spend too much time analyzing anything anymore because it’s not worth my time .With that said ... .
Shaun,
With respect, if you have distilled this to be about "her bad behavior" (testing you) and your most effective tool is
"not spending too much time analyzing anything anymore because it’s not worth my time", its almost a guarantee that this is a ticking time bomb and you will be back on detaching with
"they are all the same".
I've seen a lot of members come through with lots of approaches and this thought process and attitude are not winning combinations.
1. The success of you relationships depends on two things. Her part. Your part.
2. You have to rethink and re-approach this relationship as much as she does and because she has a mental illness, you have to be the bigger one. You can learn that form members here - but you have to open up to it.
3. You are on a second honeymoon and it's a rare opportunity for you to change your approach,as well as, learn about BPD and how to help minimize the down times (they are coming). You can learn that form members here - but you have to open up to it.
My sense of your story is that she felt flooded, you went into bully mode (her perception) and she went into passive aggressive mode (common reaction to being bullied). There there was a pregnancy, and breakups, etc. I'm not putting all of the problems on you, but you own a significant piece for sure.
My sense is that if you knew how to handle her flooding (with you) and her subsequent flooding with her living situation, you wouldn't have gone through the extremely emotional time that you did.
To be clear. I'm not saying you can cure her BPD. You can't. What I am saying that your instincts when pushed out of your comfort zone make matters far far worse than they are.
I know vulnerability is a huge fear of yours, and you can erect these "see can't touch me" walls, but that is a tactic mentally ill people use to protect themselves. If you use it too, its not going to go well. It doesn't work for them either.
You have backed off, and that had helped a lot. I think the need to do that was very obvious when you came here. You struggled with that, but when you did, it helped.
The question now, is are you backed off for the right reason. I would examine that. I think this is at the core of what is bothering you right now.
And lastly, as for your friends perspective on this. You painted a picture of her here as an immoral, defective tramp. If you paint that picture to your friends, of course they would thing this is off. How many times/people did you say she cheated with you on? Recovering her character after all of this is hard.
I hope that helps. It's a stif message, but that is what Bettering is all about, rising above.
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