She challenged a boundary

[Shawnlam]

Well she’s coming over to talk to me today since she’s backed off a bit after something she did Saturday .She said she has two important things to discuss with me so we shall see what those are.Things took a slight turn yesterday when she cancelled all our plans again.Unlike before she I would get mad and ignore her or blast her ,this time I just said to her (after she asked) , that it was disrespectful and disappointing it happened . With that said we didn’t really argue she challenged a boundary we had established a month ago and I made this clear to her in a calming fashion.

[Skip]

Be careful Shaun, this is exactly the path you were on before. Softer, but not different.

I suspect she reacts this way when she is overwhelmed or upset. Working her way out of this will take time. Progress has been significant so far.

Negative reinforcement doesn't work with people. Saying that it was "wrong" and she was " disrespectful and disappointing" will likely push her back further and the cycle starts again.

Boundaries are just ultimatums (see our article under tools) if they are not tied to shared values.  What is the shared value?

If the shared value is that we don't want to unnecessarily do things we know hurt each others feelings (she has a stake in that), you will get more by in. If your feeling are now hurt, you just have to say "My feelings are hurt.  I don't want to hurt your feelings in return by saying anything judgemental.  What are we going to do. Give her time to think about it and propose a solution."

As we always say, you are not going to fix her with tools, but you can deescalate matters and give her the hep she needs to come up with a solution. Leadership.