Help for my Ex-Husbands current girlfriend

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am not sure if I am posting this is the right place, as this is a very unusual and uncommon situation that does not really fall into the specific category listed.

I want to make very clear from the start that the BPD in this situation is my ex husband and father of my one daughter. The woman I am seeking help for is his current girlfriend, whom he has since had three children with. We have been separated for 6 years and he has been with her about that entire time. As unusual as it sounds, me and this woman became extremely close during the last few years. I, to no avail, spent many many years trying to force him to be involved with my daughters life but eventually learned there was no way I could control that. So in an effort to facilitate more interaction between my daughter, her father, and her siblings on his side, I became close to his current girlfriend who is in all sense of the word, an absolute angel. I have grown to genuinely love and care for and her children very much and that is what has brought me to this issue.

I noticed the signs of BPD when I was with my husband and spent years reading books, desperately trying to get him to go to therapy, and so on. It was all to no avail and the emotional and physical abuse only got worse until eventually I did manage the courage to leave him. I am emotionally much happier and stable in life, and so is my daughter, but unfortunately it seems like his BPD issues have become uncontrollable again. Over hte last few months, he has become physically violent with her (while she was 9 months pregnant), causing her to have to climb out a window while he was asleep with her two babies and flee to her parents house. Only to have him manipulate her into returning that night after threatening his life multiple times and convincing her that she was the only one that could help him and that she was at fault for things. She returned, much to everyone's objection, and things were calm for a few days but the emotional and verbal abuse began again pretty quickly. He doe snot help with the children who are all only a year apart, so much so that she has to go days without a shower because he says he can not handle watching them long enough for her to get one. His common excuse is that he is "just not in a good place right now". So a few weeks after the physical altercation, she goes into labor. The night she gives birth, she ends up hemorrhaging and not a hour later he leaves her there and goes home because he just could not take it, and again he was "not in a good place". So she is left alone a the hospital with a newborn and he went home to friends and drinking.

A few days ago, she went to her parents house and I arrived to him SCREAMING at her on the phone because she "abandoned" him to go to her parents house for the day so she could get a shower and some help with the children. I could hear the nasty things he was saying to her and the manipulation and my heart broke a million times for her because I had been in the same spot multiple times. Last night he tried to maker her leave because she was "hurting him too much" and not being the person he needs her to be. He consistently says that if she could just be who he needs her to be and do these things exactly how he says, everything would be ok. He uses the fact that he knows something is wrong with him as an excuse and uses it against her to try and make her feel like she is in the wrong because he has issues. He accuses her of abandoning him when she tries to leave the house for any reason, and that has only gotten worse lately since he walked out on his job. Side note, he can not keep a job for longer than three months.

She knows she does not love him like she used to. She knows that he needs helps she can not give him.  She is aware of the wrong in all of this, but she doesn't want to leave him because she feels bad for l leaving someone in such a bad mental state. Her last message to me was "I dont feel right leaving him when hes at the peak of not knowing what reality is. I feel like I should stay and keep pushing him to find someone who can help."

I desperately need help and advice on how to help her... .I have done and said everything I can... .but I feel so helpless watching her and her children go through this.

[Araes]

I am not sure if I am posting this is the right place, as this is a very unusual and uncommon situation that does not really fall into the specific category listed.

I want to make very clear from the start that the BPD in this situation is my ex husband and father of my one daughter. The woman I am seeking help for is his current girlfriend, whom he has since had three children with. We have been separated for 6 years and he has been with her about that entire time. As unusual as it sounds, me and this woman became extremely close during the last few years. I, to no avail, spent many many years trying to force him to be involved with my daughters life but eventually learned there was no way I could control that. So in an effort to facilitate more interaction between my daughter, her father, and her siblings on his side, I became close to his current girlfriend who is in all sense of the word, an absolute angel. I have grown to genuinely love and care for and her children very much and that is what has brought me to this issue.

I noticed the signs of BPD when I was with my husband and spent years reading books, desperately trying to get him to go to therapy, and so on. It was all to no avail and the emotional and physical abuse only got worse until eventually I did manage the courage to leave him. I am emotionally much happier and stable in life, and so is my daughter, but unfortunately it seems like his BPD issues have become uncontrollable again. Over hte last few months, he has become physically violent with her (while she was 9 months pregnant), causing her to have to climb out a window while he was asleep with her two babies and flee to her parents house. Only to have him manipulate her into returning that night after threatening his life multiple times and convincing her that she was the only one that could help him and that she was at fault for things. She returned, much to everyone's objection, and things were calm for a few days but the emotional and verbal abuse began again pretty quickly. He doe snot help with the children who are all only a year apart, so much so that she has to go days without a shower because he says he can not handle watching them long enough for her to get one. His common excuse is that he is "just not in a good place right now". So a few weeks after the physical altercation, she goes into labor. The night she gives birth, she ends up hemorrhaging and not a hour later he leaves her there and goes home because he just could not take it, and again he was "not in a good place". So she is left alone a the hospital with a newborn and he went home to friends and drinking.

A few days ago, she went to her parents house and I arrived to him SCREAMING at her on the phone because she "abandoned" him to go to her parents house for the day so she could get a shower and some help with the children. I could hear the nasty things he was saying to her and the manipulation and my heart broke a million times for her because I had been in the same spot multiple times. Last night he tried to maker her leave because she was "hurting him too much" and not being the person he needs her to be. He consistently says that if she could just be who he needs her to be and do these things exactly how he says, everything would be ok. He uses the fact that he knows something is wrong with him as an excuse and uses it against her to try and make her feel like she is in the wrong because he has issues. He accuses her of abandoning him when she tries to leave the house for any reason, and that has only gotten worse lately since he walked out on his job. Side note, he can not keep a job for longer than three months.

She knows she does not love him like she used to. She knows that he needs helps she can not give him.  She is aware of the wrong in all of this, but she doesn't want to leave him because she feels bad for l leaving someone in such a bad mental state. Her last message to me was "I dont feel right leaving him when hes at the peak of not knowing what reality is. I feel like I should stay and keep pushing him to find someone who can help."

I desperately need help and advice on how to help her... .I have done and said everything I can... .but I feel so helpless watching her and her children go through this.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I am so sorry to hear you and she are going through this. I can't imagine how it must feel for you to see it going on. I hate to say this. Ultimately, it is her decision on what she wants to do. Personally, I believe being there for her and supporting her however you can is probably one of the most important things you can do. Let her know she's not alone and has support from you and others. Maybe also talk with her about how she feels and lift her up, let her know his behavior towards her is not her fault. Hopefully knowing she has support, she isn't alone, and his abusive behavior towards her is not her fault will give her the courage to leave when she is ready to and if that is what she wants to do. Abuse is horrible and I feel for you both and the children. My ex was emotionally abusive and I feared he was going to become physically abusive. What helped me make up my mind about leaving my ex was when I asked myself "is this the type of relationship I want my children to be in?" Maybe it will help her knowing that you had the same experiences and understand what it's like.

It does sound to me that he is emotionally unstable and dysregulates often to the point of rages. It does sound like he has some major abandonment issues and doesn't want to (or know how to) deal with it in a healthy way. He is an adult, though.  As hard as it may be, she is not responsible for his emotional well being. No one is but him. It's tough. I get it. When you're with someone who is mentally ill, leaving them is hard. Having said that, one does need to take care of themselves and children. You can't pour from an empty cup. Sometimes you need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Is she seeing a therapist at all?

[formflier]

You are in just a fine place to post.  I hope you will stick around for several days and we can work through if this is the best board for you to stay on.

You have found a safe place to vent, talk, ask questions and learn.

It's commendable of you to want to help and do things for those in need.   

As you have figured out with your history of "dealing with" a pwBPD (person with BPDish traits)... that can be very difficult.

We certainly want to learn more about your story and also more about the "mindset" that you use to approach these difficult issues.

Let me ask you this... .perhaps 2 things.

1.  Tell us about a couple times where you reached out, encouraged others to get help... and it worked.

2.  Tell us about a couple times where you reached out, encouraged others to get help... and it didn't work.

Perhaps from there... .we can help you be more effective.

I'm glad you found us... .we can help.

Best,

FF