Object relations: forgetfulness in BPDs

[AskingWhy]

We all know that pwBPD have the emotional and cognitive capacities of infants.  This means they have object relations problems.

When a very young infant is presented with a toy, he grabs for it.  When the toy is hidden, the infant thinks it no longer exists.

pwBPD see the world this way--in the moment--with no sense of what has passed or what might be.

I call this, "out of sight, out of mind."  When my husband is not with me, I cease to exist for him in many ways.  He has to work extra hard to realise I exist.  As a result, many of his actions for me are after I remind him or after the fact.

I really envy seeing men in stores with bouquets of flowers for their wives.  I ask them, "Special occasion?"  They smile and reply, "No, I just thought of my wife and want to see her delighted."  How sad that my husband has the mind of an infant.  (Of course, he is always thinking of his adult children and yearning for the time when he will see them next.) pwBPD and NPD see their own children as extensions of themselves.  My H defines himself by the opinions of his children and will agree to whatever they say even if morally and politically in opposition to what I know he believes.  aAnd in that moment, he actually holds those beliefs.  This concurs with the fact that BPDs have a shallow sense of identity.  

H will say something and I will remind him of it, and he will snarl with anger (of course), "I never said that!"

One of our cats is getting spayed today.  We adopted her from a shelter.  It's a routine surgery, I know. But I worry about her as she is not a kitten and older. My H is out of town visiting with his adult S and DIL, and his new first grandchild.  The cat goes in for her spay in three hours, and so far no phone call to me.  He knows I really spoil this cat and adore her, and knows I am worrying.   H is with his S and grandchild, so I--to my H--cease to exist along with our cat.  H is too wrapped up in the moment gushing over his children to think about me and the cat he professes to love and curls up on his lap in the evenings.

I am getting really fed up with being married to a man with the volatile emotions of a 15-year-old and the conceptual capacity of a very young infant.  

I read somewhere on the Internet that when a wife of a BPD finally decides to leave her marriage after trying for years to make things work, she is really, truly gone.  I think I am getting there.

I don't plan on calling H when I take the cat in nor when I return home with her.  I am waiting to see if H will call before the surgery if he is too wrapped up in his family.

[Woodchuck]

We all know that pwBPD have the emotional and cognitive capacities of infants.  This means they have object relations problems.

When a very young infant is presented with a toy, he grabs for it.  When the toy is hidden, the infant thinks it no longer exists.

pwBPD see the world this way--in the moment--with no sense of what has passed or what might be.

I call this, "out of sight, out of mind."  When my husband is not with me, I cease to exist for him in many ways.  He has to work extra hard to realise I exist.  As a result, many of his actions for me are after I remind him or after the fact.

I really envy seeing men in stores with bouquets of flowers for their wives.  I ask them, "Special occasion?"  They smile and reply, "No, I just thought of my wife and want to see her delighted."  How sad that my husband has the mind of an infant.  (Of course, he is always thinking of his adult children and yearning for the time when he will see them next.  pwBPD and NPD see children as extensions of themselves.  My H defines himself by the opinions of his children and will agree to whatever they say even if morally and politically in opposition to what I know he believes.  This concurs with the fact that BPDs have a shallow sense of identity.

One of our cats is getting spayed today.  We adopted her from a shelter.  It's a routine surgery, I know. But I worry about her as she is not a kitten and older.  My H is out of town visiting with his adult S and DIL, and his new first grandchild.  The cat goes in for her spay in three hours, and so far no phone call to me.  He knows I really spoil her and adore her, and knows I am worrying.   H is with his S and grandchild, so I--to my H--cease to exist.  H is too wrapped up in the moment gushing over his children to think about me and the cat.

I am getting really fed up with being married to a man with the volatile emotions of a 15-year-old and the conceptual capacity of a very young infant.  

I read somewhere on the Internet that when a wife of a BPD finally decides to leave her marriage after trying for years to make things work, she is really, truly gone.  I think I am getting there.

AskingWhy -
I can definitely relate to you from the other side of the fence.  The pain that you are going through is more than you feel like you can bear I am sure.  I am that person in the store that has the bouquet of flowers 'just because' and despite the fact that I am almost certain she will not appreciate them, I still feel compelled to do something to at least try to make her feel cared about.  When I present them to her, I tend to hear something like she hates gifts or she doesn't need something else to take care of or they are a waste of money because they die in a week.  The responses are very painful.  My uBPDw had a cat that she adored.  I have been jealous of the cat (yes I know how silly that sounds) for many years.  She spoiled the cat and showed it more affection than she ever showed me.  It was difficult to be in the same room and watch and listen to her interact with her pet while I was feeling completely empty.  A month or so ago, we came home to find a puddle of blood on the floor and found out that it was her cat that was bleeding from her rear end.  She panicked and asked me to take her to the vet.  This was in the middle of a weeks long ST but suddenly she was willing to talk because she wanted something.  This caused hurt and anger but I was able to put that aside and take her to the vet and stayed there as support until she was done.  On the way home, she reached for my hand and acted like everything was fine but we had spent the last few weeks without speaking a word because she did not want to talk.  The sudden switch was confusing and hurtful even though I knew she did not mean it to be.  A few weeks after that, she had to take her cat back in to the vet for a follow-up and ended up having to put her down due to kidney failure.  She came home and did not say anything.  In fact the only reason I knew she was home is because I opened the front door and saw her in the front yard digging a hole.  I went out and took the shovel from her and then wrapped my arms around her and held her.  After holding her for a few minutes I took on the task of making sure that her cat was buried properly and in a way that would not be disturbed by other animals.  She didn't say a word to me after that.  As you said, it is like you don't exist.  It is a very very lonely place to be.  The support that I have received in the short time that I have been on hear has been extremely helpful.  I hope that you will find the support you need here as well and hopefully find solutions that you can work on to make your situation at least a little bit better.  You are not alone!

Woodchuck

[Cat Familiar]

AskingWhy, I hope all went well at the vet clinic and that your precious kitty is home with you and recuperating well.   

You are getting really tired of not being "seen" by your husband, particularly since he lavishes attention on his children, so you know he's capable of that, however he is not available to give you his attention and be aware of your needs.

You've tried for years to make your marriage work, but at this point, you've nearly given up. What does staying in this relationship provide you? And what would leaving be like?

[Cat Familiar]

Woodchuck, It sounds like you're living a very lonely existence too.   

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Asking,
Hope all is well with your kitty. How are things?

Cat