Difficult time with saying No to sick parent

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi All,
I have never posted on this thread because I hav always used the Bettering Relationship thread for help with uBPDH.
My uBPDH is really trying hard to make progress and manage his high functioning BPD.
His parents & divorced sister who live in another country are wrapped in this BPD mess. We send them money every month to supplement their monthly expenses as they’re retired. They do get pension but they always have an expectation that we should send them money to support them during their old age. We’re from an eastern culture that kinda goes in line with this thought so whether we love it or not, we have been sending them money every month for the last few years. We also send the equal amount to my parents. My in-laws have always been entitled and never grateful. We work hard to earn the moneybsonthere have been times it has felt unfair but we do it in the name of duty. That money we send is played with in stocks and what not- they never give us a clear picture of what they have for us to gauge what their needs are. They’ve been the kind to always draw a grim picture to show they’re needy so the cash keeps coming.
Now FIL had an heart attack and they asked for a hige sum of money. We can  afford to send them the amount they asked but we also have to think of us and our young daughter so we decided to send half the amount they asked for. When they asked for that huge sum, they said they lost money last year in some stocks. This has always been their reason to ask money in addition to being old. They have never been there for us and never made us feel welcome if we ever visited them.  So it’s really difficult to rise above and be a better human but we do it everytime.
So this time, we sent half the amount they asked and spent for heart surgery. They never ask us how our monetary situation is when they ask for money. We don’t want them to think we’re going to supply hard earned money as & when they need. It’s like enabling them to blow money on stocks. My sil is divorced and 47. She quits her job and stays home. She was making her ends meet with the alimony she got and has blown it off in stocks to double & triple the money. So for me giving them money is like giving money to buy drugs and it drives me crazy.
But the situation was heart surgery so we agreed to send them half the amount as a token of our support.
They called hubby and were abusing him on the phone like they always do. They said from now on, whatever you send every monrh- please double it up and if you have the means to raise a dog then you should have the means to send us money.
It was so hurtful and I told uBPDH that he should not feel guilty because he has been a good son who has always been there for his parents. H said he had to forcibly hang up the phone as he couldn’t listen to he abuse anymore and said he wants No Contact with his parents anymore.
His has happened in the past and then they have been in contact coz they’re after Ll related by blood.
I want to be there for H as he is recognizing how his old ways don’t work for him and is changing it by taking medication and what not. At the same time, I’m really worried about a dysregulation that might happen in our house triggered by in-laws.
How to beet handle this situation?

[waitingwife]

Hi All,
I have never posted on this thread because I hav always used the Bettering Relationship thread for help with uBPDH.
My uBPDH is really trying hard to make progress and manage his high functioning BPD.
His parents & divorced sister who live in another country are wrapped in this BPD mess. We send them money every month to supplement their monthly expenses as they’re retired. They do get pension but they always have an expectation that we should send them money to support them during their old age. We’re from an eastern culture that kinda goes in line with this thought so whether we love it or not, we have been sending them money every month for the last few years. We also send the equal amount to my parents. My in-laws have always been entitled and never grateful. We work hard to earn the moneybsonthere have been times it has felt unfair but we do it in the name of duty. That money we send is played with in stocks and what not- they never give us a clear picture of what they have for us to gauge what their needs are. They’ve been the kind to always draw a grim picture to show they’re needy so the cash keeps coming.
Now FIL had an heart attack and they asked for a hige sum of money. We can  afford to send them the amount they asked but we also have to think of us and our young daughter so we decided to send half the amount they asked for. When they asked for that huge sum, they said they lost money last year in some stocks. This has always been their reason to ask money in addition to being old. They have never been there for us and never made us feel welcome if we ever visited them.  So it’s really difficult to rise above and be a better human but we do it everytime.
So this time, we sent half the amount they asked and spent for heart surgery. They never ask us how our monetary situation is when they ask for money. We don’t want them to think we’re going to supply hard earned money as & when they need. It’s like enabling them to blow money on stocks. My sil is divorced and 47. She quits her job and stays home. She was making her ends meet with the alimony she got and has blown it off in stocks to double & triple the money. So for me giving them money is like giving money to buy drugs and it drives me crazy.
But the situation was heart surgery so we agreed to send them half the amount as a token of our support.
They called hubby and were abusing him on the phone like they always do. They said from now on, whatever you send every monrh- please double it up and if you have the means to raise a dog then you should have the means to send us money.
It was so hurtful and I told uBPDH that he should not feel guilty because he has been a good son who has always been there for his parents. H said he had to forcibly hang up the phone as he couldn’t listen to he abuse anymore and said he wants No Contact with his parents anymore.
His has happened in the past and then they have been in contact coz they’re after Ll related by blood.
I want to be there for H as he is recognizing how his old ways don’t work for him and is changing it by taking medication and what not. At the same time, I’m really worried about a dysregulation that might happen in our house triggered by in-laws.
How to beet handle this situation?

[zachira]

You and your husband are in a very painful and difficult situation with his parents. Your husband says he wants to go no contact with his parents, and this has happened before. You are concerned how what is happening with your in-laws' extreme money demands is going to affect your relationship.  Your husband has always wanted to help his parents and it may be hard for him to turn them down. On the other hand, his parents are thoughtless, demanding, selfish and unappreciative for all the sacrifices you have made. I suggest you go to marriage counseling to discuss this situation. This way you can make sure that both of your sides are heard, and a decision that both of you can probably live with is made. Keep us posted on how things are going. We are here to listen and support you.

[waitingwife]

Thanks for reiterating Zachira. I don’t feel like we need marriage counseling for this parental situation as we’re in this together. Whatever help we have extended to them so far has been a mutual decision. I guess what I’m looking for is - how to stay centred in the midst of this storm? We cannot control his parents or their demands nor change them. And the eastern culture that we grew up in, makes us dutifully bound to help ageing parents. So we came up with an amount that feels mutually acceptable to us to help them out.
Btw, we have tried MC before for other issues but it wasn’t very helpful. It helped me feel “heard and to voice my feelings” but no solutions. I guess BPD doesn’t have a solution, it’s pretty much managing it. It’s hard to manage it during such stormy times

[zachira]

I would say that maybe doing a course based on Jon Cabot Zinn's or Kristen Neff's work would be the most helpful. These courses teach how to process feelings through the daily practice of mindfulness. No feeling stays around for long if one can sit with it calmly and process it. Whatever happens, observe your feelings, and know that it is normal to feel upset when you are treated unfairly by your in-laws. Sometimes we want to stuff uncomfortable feelings and then these feelings linger around, and can explode into anger and being argumentative, which sounds like what you want to avoid. You want to limit the negative affects of your in-laws behaviors on you and your husband.

[waitingwife]

Thanks and I think that’ll be extremely helpful. Are any of these available online?

[zachira]

I don't know if they have online courses. I would google Jon Cabot Zinn and Kristen Neff. Both of them have books on Amazon.