It doesn't matter: It's not true, but those are my feelings about what he says

[Frankee]

Today I am conflicted.  Nothing big happened, just a small infraction, but as we all know, it is hardly ever small.

It doesn't matter if I clean the house top to bottom.
It doesn't matter if the kids are well behaved and don't wake him up.
It doesn't matter if I wear the things he likes.
It doesn't matter if I stay up till all hours to spend time with him or rub his back.
It doesn't matter if there is cold soda.
It doesn't matter if I listen to his complaints about the world and try to understand.
It doesn't matter if I make him a separate dinner after a long day of work.
It doesn't matter if validate his feelings.
It doesn't matter if I listen to him talk about things I have no interest in, but pretend too.

I could go on.

It feels sometimes like none of it matters because that one time, he says I don't.  Then none of it matters to him.  I know that it isn't really true.  Buy doesn't change the way I feel sometimes.

[Cat Familiar]

You've tried everything to assuage his complaints, but still nothing seems to satisfy him and he continues to behave in ways that make you wonder why you're staying with him.

Is there anything that you value in this relationship with him?

You're getting very skilled in separating out how you feel from the things he says. That is evidence that you are improving your boundaries.

[formflier]

I used to make lists like that... .and at some point I realized it was about trying to "control" or "fix" the BPDish rages... .and crazy a$$ things they say.

So... .then I started doing things that matter for me... for my kids... etc etc.  Once I stopped using a rage as a "measuring stick" for my efforts... .the dynamic really changed.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

My latest strategy regarding bad moods, which fortunately no longer turn into rages, is that he's welcome to have them, but I don't need to be around while he's doing that. There's always something I'd rather be doing than to be a witness to his grumpiness.

[Frankee]

Crazy a$$ is for certain.  I found myself in a situation where he said something and then could feel this anger bubble upside in me so bad.  I even felt a very strong urge to bust him in the mouth.  So strong where I thought I was about too.  He got mad about the whole friggin hug crap.  Another situation I was in where I felt more like throttling him than giving him a hug.

I cried when he left.  Not because of him, but the way I felt towards him.   I was seething with anger and it took every ounce of self control to not explode on him.  Especially when I slipped and pointed out he started the fight when he said all I want to do is fight.  He got mad sure, said a few untrue things.  Wasn't a bad episode really.  I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to deal with his bs at that moment.

Today I wonder what I value in our relationship.  I can't think of any right now.  Nothing meaningful.