Why did I expect anything different

[I Am Redeemed]

Hey guys, so I got uBPDh's purge bond lowered from 500 to 250. And I paid it. So he's finally out of jail after nine months. So what happens? He calls me from the jail and asks me why I'm not outside to pick him up. Now, he knows that he can't have any contact with s2. Apparently he expected me to ignore that, and to rearrange my whole day to pick him up and figure out a plan for what he is doing now. He's had nine months to come up with something, and all he did was expect me to take care of it. He got irritated, instead of being grateful that I paid$250 and he's finally
free after nine months. I hung up on him

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Redeemed,  , so sorry that things are not different.  I ask gently, did you really expect anything different?  It seemed like you just didn't want to be the one who kept him in jail when you were able to help him. 

So what is next?  What is your plan?

Good for you for not violating the order about your young son.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Mustbe,
You're right, I knew I could help, so I did. I am going about my day as usual and going ahead with my plans to rent a place for me and s2, hopefully we can move in a couple weeks. I resisted the urge to call some people out of the blue and try to make arrangements for uBPDh to get a ride somewhere. Apparently he assumed that I would take him to his mom's house, but she said he can't stay there because she has temporary custody of her great grandchild and has child services involved with her because of her granddaughter. Trying not to feel guilty, and reminding myself that I am not obligated to do anything else. It's his responsibility, and I can't risk losing my son just to take care of someone who abused me.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi again, Redeemed.  You helped him and now it seems that it the ball is in his court to see what he can do to help himself.

I’m glad you have a plan moving forward.  I applaud your determination  to make healthy decisions for you and your son.

Maybe someone who has been through similar circumstances with young children can also chime in here.

You are strong and courageous.  Hang in there, I am praying for you.

Peace and blessings,
Mustbeabetterway

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Redeemed,
You kept to your own values about doing what you thought is right and seeing how you could help him. Now, as Mustbe has said, he needs to help himself. You are keeping your boundaries in an appropriate way, by not trying to assist him when he could take that initiative himself. 

It's easy to say that you have no reason to feel guilty, but those of us who tend to be caretakers and/or codependent, just naturally want to jump in and help out. Doing that robs an individual of an important learning opportunity, as you know. And you're quite aware that your first responsibility is to your son.   

Good luck finding a nice place to rent for you and your boy.

Cat

[I Am Redeemed]

Thank you Mustbe and Cat,

it is difficult to not feel guilty and I keep swinging back and forth. I don't like to know that he is homeless, wandering the streets with no money and nowhere to go. But this is not the first time it has happened. In fact, over the course of our relationship we were homeless (or staying with family members) at least five times. After my parents went into the nursing home four years ago, we were legitimately homeless with no family to stay with for over a year. I stayed in three different women's shelters over the course of that year, and also hotel rooms. When I was in the shelters, he would put a guilt trip on me for having a place to stay when he didn't. Many times I worked seven days a week to pay for a hotel room so he would not be homeless. So I guess he got used to me taking care of him and keeping him off the streets.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Oh, Redeemed, that must have just been beyond sad... .moving from shelter to hotel, yet working.  So happy that is in the past and not your present situation. 

Something to remember is that you are not making him homeless.  As far as I understand from what you have explained, his actions and decisions have gotten him where he is now. 

Stay strong, I am rooting for you. 

Mustbe

[Cat Familiar]

You've created a better life for yourself than what you had when you were with him and homeless. Even then, when you stayed in women's shelters, he tried to make you feel guilty because he didn't have a place to stay. There were many occasions where you worked without a break, so that there would be money to pay for him to stay in a hotel. He expected that you would do that for him.

How do see yourself changing this pattern?

[formflier]

Hey I Am Redeemed,

I applaud you for sticking to your boundaries, court orders and protecting your child.

I wish I were more familiar with your story.

How does the quoted action below fit into the life you are creating for you and your child?

Hey guys, so I got uBPDh's purge bond lowered from 500 to 250. And I paid it.  

Hang in there... .and again... solid work on boundaries!

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

FF, the quoted action is a characteristic of my tendency to confuse helping, caretaking, doing unto others etc. and being kind to my enemies, etc. all in one.

[I Am Redeemed]

FF, on my phone, so posts limited. UBPDh has substance abuse issues. I am a recovering prescription opiate addict. He has relapsed several times over the seven plus years of our r/s and also has a lottery ticket addiction, so that coupled with BPD crazy has caused us to be evicted many times. 6 kids, 5 of which are in my sister's custody and I am fighting for. Last fall he relapsed on meth and the physical abuse escalated until I left... .again. I am afraid of losing s2. PO, with contact, but dvs said nc with s2 until he passes drug test. Nine months in jail for assaulting me. I have no plans to resume r/s as it was without significant changes. But I don't feel God leading me to divorce at this time. I want to help, not take care of him, and I am learning slowly what that means.

[formflier]

I am a recovering prescription opiate addict. 

   

Pain is a major part of my life.  Much of my medical care and how I care for my body is designed so that I avoid opiates.  I'm aware of many stories of veterans that have gotten tangled up with opiates... .and just never been the same.

How is your recovery going?  Wishing you the best!   

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

FF, currently my recovery is going very well. I find it easier to just stay clear of any and all mood altering substances, including alcohol. Funny, uBPDh likes to accuse me of using whenever I am not doing something he wants, but the only relapses I have had in 8 years have been because he brought my drug of choice in the house

[Radcliff]

Hey there, Redeemed, I wanted to stop by and wish you well!  Sounds like with uBPDh getting out of jail it's an adjustment for everyone.  Stay strong and focused on your goal to establish a life for you and your kids.  You can do it!

WW

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks WW, good to hear from you! I am trying to proceed with caution where ubph is concerned. Currently he seems to be in a much better mindset, but I have to keep up the guard for dysregulated episodes. Also I will protect myself and my son from becoming vulnerable again

[I Am Redeemed]

UBPDh was able to get a job and go to work on his first day out of jail ( without my help!) He apologized for putting me on the spot for a ride when he got released. Church has assisted him, and I did help him with some food until he gets paid.