I'm in denial

[Faith Spring]

I go in and out of denial.  Today I was forced out.  But I can feel already how badly I want to back and pretend it was just a bad day.  I have so many excuses for her.  But it's me with the problem and my problem is denial. 

My daughter 17 and diagnosed was using a bath towel to clean milk from the floor that she'd spilt.  Then she threw it at my face.  And I could tell you more details that would make it seem to make sense but the truth is, she's got a serious mental disease and I'm not being a good parent by slipping in and out of denial about it. 

I feel like a phony sometimes when I post here because my daughter doesn't cut herself.  She doesn't do drugs.  She's on track to graduate high school next year.  Yet she ravaged her relationship with me and her dad.  She's lost her way. 

I'm so tired.  I've tried psychological solutions with her and she just won't budge.  I'm trying self care by writing now.  17.  And I didn't see it until now?   Impossible.  I thought she was ok.  She was not ok. She was quiet and enraged. 

After she flung this towel at me she quickly tried showing me funny videos to make me laugh.  She doesn't even understand how emotions work.  How long it takes to recover from feeling hurt.  How's she gonna find happiness in this life? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Faith Spring

Here’s a big warm hug from me    

It's so hard to wrap our heads around the complexity of the disorder and accept, you are not alone Faith, it's no wonder you are in and out of denial, we struggle with fear, guilt, denial ... .we are parents, how did we miss this, well it came and slapped me round the head when DD was 26. The good thing is you recognise your feelings in/out of denial and are talking here with us.  I can only describe it as a gradual process of change and learning for me Faith, moving through the hurt and pain of this disorder, however it presents itself to us. I found this helpful in facing my fear, allowing myself to grieve, accepting the reality of my situation... .1.06 | Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill) .

Faith, do you mean the tools and lessons here when you refer to psychological solutions, she won't budge?

I totally get you, it took me time to feel, understand I belonged here and I know many parents struggle with this. My struggle was understanding my DD is a quiet borderline SWOE did not speak to me. I found Lollypop who joined a couple of months ahead of me, searching like me and you.

I've found the answers to my situation right here, with you, being honest with myself, open to change and healing has helped me

Faith is your daughter triangulating you and your husband?

Here I feel safe, with parents, we've got you, always.

WDx

[whiplashed_mom]

So sorry.

[Yepanotherone]

I understand that hurt only too well , it just cuts to the core when the girl you have loved and protected since the moment of conception and when she started growing in your tummy ;to just turn against you when your greatest crime was only ever to love that girl so very much and want the best for her .

I feel your DD had a sudden pang of guilt after throwing that towel at you and that’s why she almost immediately tried to make you smile and laugh again .

She’s still in there somewhere Faith x

Your last comment “ how is she going to find happiness in this life “. That will be down  to her Faith , you can’t do it for her . All you can do is work towards finding a way to find your own happiness , albeit somewhat of an altered happiness . I always remember Lollypops words of advice to stay “ light and airy “ as much as possible and basicaly to pick my  battles . To not allow the horrible comments and hateful texts burn into my soul and remain there was really hard too .

Keep focusing on what you can do Faith to create your own happiness and lead the way if you can . She may well end up following suit, in her own weird way . Let her know that her unhappiness and upset affects you terribly and you would take her pain away if you could , but you can’t. Only she can do that . Ultimately though , your life has to go on , with her or without her coming along on your ride .

Another favorite quote that I still hold dear came  from Huat ; “don’t become her victim “

[bluek9]

Hi Faith Spring,

  Let me join the others in saying you are not alone in this! The one thought I hold in my head always is: it's not my fault! Now having said that, it doesn't mean that D's behaviors and words don't hurt me. They do still, she going to be 36 next month. I'm pretty sure her hateful words will always cut and hurt my mothers heart. It's her way of reacting  what she herself can't understand. I have found a way by being here among other parents who get as hurt and sad as I do; to see my beautiful D in a brand new way, her way. Like Wendydarling, I too had to come to understand and wrap my head around radical acceptance. It took me months of surrender to get over the fact that my D was never going to have the life I wanted for her. So like yetanotherone, I came to accept that her life is going to be what SHE MAKES OF IT. All I can do which is no small task is to lead by example, love, support and do my best to understand that her world is not mine.
  I'm so happy you shared, all the feelings we go through as parents can be so damn scary. 
Hugs to you Faith Spring

[Blueskyday]

Wow, youre being so hard on yourself 
Denial is not so ingrained if you can post this. Maybe you needed time to accept the truth. We don't want to see stuff like this in our kids and who was to know it wasn't just teenage anxt.

You've got this. You don't know it but you do from where I am sitting.

Pick your battles is so true but takes practice

[Feeling Better]

Hi Faith Spring, how are you doing?

I meant to reply to your post sooner but I went a bit quiet for a while, had some stuff I needed to process.

You are not alone in saying that you are in denial, I’m sure many of us go through denial at some point or other, I know I did. We all have to find ways of coping and if going in and out of denial is your way there is nothing wrong with that. As wendydarling says, acceptance is a gradual process. We have to go with what feels right for us.

I feel like a phony sometimes when I post here because my daughter doesn't cut herself.  She doesn't do drugs.  She's on track to graduate high school next year.  Yet she ravaged her relationship with me and her dad.  She's lost her way. 

Yep! I used to feel like a phoney too! My son didn’t cut himself, didn’t do drugs (as far as I know, although he admitted to trying them once), he graduated from university, always managed to find work, spent most of his post university life either travelling to or living in different countries, and to top it all, he went NC with me. So I really felt that I didn’t belong here.

The thing is though Faith, it’s not just about our kids, it’s about us too. We need the support, we need to know how to make our lives better. For us.

 You are doing great Faith, you have your folder, your “go to” folder, and you have us here supporting you. 

How's she gonna find happiness in this life? 

Yepanotherone gives you good advice here, she will need to find her own happiness in some way. I believe that my son is happy with his life, I have to believe that because to not believe it would be too painful. 

[Daisy123]

Hello Faithspring,
I hear you, I hear you, I hear you. Denial is something that so many of us have done.
Denial was a way of survival for quite some time. When my DD was 14, she had 2 suicide attempts and self injured. My husband said then, it was BPD, but her psychiatrists said she had bipolar. How differently would the path had looked like if I had only believed my husband and my gut. The way BPD was written about back then was horrible. I couldn’t bring myself to face that I was, in part, responsible for my dd’s Condition. One psychologist said my dd needed DBT- I had no clue what she’d meant. It wasn’t until things really flared and I asked that my dd get reassessed. She was 19.

Wendydarling mentioned radical acceptance. It’s something that I’ve been working on- and it’s no fun, it’s messy, complicated and ridden with grief. But grief has become my friend.

You are here, you’ve done lots of reading, you’ve supported so many of us with your posts. Your DD is 17. She’s lucky to have you and lucky that you’ve begun the work. You are ahead of this terrifying game. Go easy on yourself ( having self compassion is what’s helped me
Breathe through the guilt and confusion).
Sending you hugs.

Daisy123!