41 Year Daughter showing signs of BPD and has a 3 year old son

[Welches]

Hi,

I'm new to BPD and I need clarity on how to grandparent my grandson, when my daughter blows up at me and accuses me of turning him against her.  My grandson cry when it's time to leave my house and doesn't want to go with his mother.  She in turns spanks and yells at him and it breaks my heart. This fall she wants me to pick him up from school, but I don't want to be in a constant state of chaos and confusion.  How do a draw safe boundaries?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello Welches

 

Welcome to the parents forum. I'm sorry that's a difficult situation you are dealing with, your grandson crying not wanting to go home and your daughter reacting yelling and spanking him, is heart breaking. While not a grandparent, I'm sure others will join. At the same age as your grandson, my god daughter did not want to go home, she told her Mum, my best friend she wanted to live with us, my friend and her husband were going through a highly acrimonious divorce, our home then, like yours is a sanctuary.

I'm guessing your grandson is around 5, how often does he visit you, is this recent behaviour? I can understand you wanting to address now, ahead of committing by the fall.

How's is your relationship with your daughter, how does she treat you, others? I ask as there are a number of helpful tools to your right   that help improve our relationships, including communicating boundaries and limits.

WDx  

[Feeling Better]

Hi Welches

I would like to join wendydarling in welcoming you here and to also say how sorry I am to hear of what brings you here.

You are asking about boundaries for when you pick your grandson up from school in the fall, am I understanding that correctly? What kind of problems or situations do you think you will encounter that will require safe boundaries? Hope you don’t mind me asking, it’s just to get a better feel for your situation to enable us to best help you.

It sounds like you are doing a great job already with your grandson x 

[bluek9]

Welcome Welches,

    bluek9 here, I'm one of the grandparents here. I truly understand your heart break, our little people don't deserve to be in the middle of such turmoil.   Alas, so is the way of dealing with our own BPD adult children who now have children of their own.
    It sounds like you are just finding out about your D having BPD, is that right? This is a really hard situation, boundaries are so very important but they can mean different things to everybody. You are so right not to want to be in chaos and confusion, that is so draining on emotions and energy. From what you shared it sounds like what Wendydarling shared, you are the sanctuary for him right now. I think you have already started with your boundaries by knowing what you don't want.
   When I started here it became clear to me that I always needed to keep in the front of my mind why my D has meltdowns(the screaming, yelling and such) she cannot regulate her own emotions. For us this happens when she perceives a fear of some kind. I need to always treat her in the context that she lives in fear most of time. You said your D accuses you of turning him against her... .that sounds like fear to me.
   I'm so glad you found us here in this place.   we are all here for each other. Take your time to look around, read some posts, check out the lessons. As the grandma you got this, you can do it, one step at a time. Don't forget you can always find support here.     

[Welches]

Thanks so much for your encouragement.  My relationship with my daughter is very strained and at times explosive.  I've been supporting her financially for years and now that I'm retired, I support her when ever she needs me to watch my grandson.  This happens quite a bit for weeks a time.  My daughters relationship with others is non-existent in regards to other family members.  She has a few people that she speaks with, but she trust no one and is always suspicious of everyone including me.  At this time I'm seriously considering contacting child protective service.  I will check out the articles and seek help.

[wendydarling]

Hi Welches

Good to hear back from you.  Yes it helps to think through, how do you think your daughter will respond to child protective service? I know its hard, and wonder if you have tried talking with your daughter about her struggles and how she might be able to help herself through support of services? Or am I completely off track here?  

It may be the lack of trust, suspicious may fall in line with what bluek9 says fearful, through lack of understanding situations, it's like a defence mechanism. I'd like to share this insightful video I've just watched, understanding what we are dealing with can help us come to the right choice for us.

Video | Having a Life Worth Living, Dr Blaise Aguirre's Insights on BPD

WDx