ForeverDad
Retired Staff
 Offline
Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18475
You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...
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« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2018, 10:35:01 AM » |
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Although it is devastating to go through this ordeal and been forced to seek peer support, this is an excellent place to find resources and others who have "been there, done that". Please make good use of our hard-won wisdom. In general, we know what strategies and approaches usually work and what usually doesn't work.
First and foremost, never ever admit to or make a 'deal' where you admit doing wrong. Sorry, appeasing her by meeting her allegations halfway won't make you look better. Also, courts cannot make you testify against yourself. Even if the judge rules in her favor (judges don't want to dismiss a case and later see it on the nightly news) you will know you did nothing abusive and can still continue to claim you were innocent. Got that? If you make a type of plea deal or admission of guilt then you can't later claim you were innocent.
It's hard to predict how a case will turn out. Women are, by default, victims in the legal aspect. However, studies have reported that abuse and conflict are pretty much a 50/50 deal genderwise. It's just that society pictures men should be able to take the aggressive behaviors from their partners without complaint and yet women are defenseless against men. (In the USA the law is named "Violence Against Women Act" whereas it should have been named "Violence in Domestic Relationships".)
I was married for 15 years when my marriage imploded. We had a preschooler then and she was reliving her childhood through him so naturally after all our friends and family were driven away I was the only target left. We had protection orders against each other. In testimony her lawyer asked me if I was larger than her. Yes. I could see he was trying to say that despite 15 years together that she ought to be afraid of me due to size. (Didn't make sense, our son was smaller than both of us, was he supposed to be afraid of us?) Anyway, he asked me whether I wanted her back. I was clueless in those days and didn't realize he was trying to set me up as a Controller trying to get his Target back. However, I replied, "No, not the way she is now." That simple reply sabotaged his Controller approach. My point is that you must Let Go any hope of having a relationship with her ever again, not even to seek some level of Closure. You won't get Closure from her, you'll have to Gift that to yourself.
It goes without having to be said, Avoid her from now on. She has poisoned any hope of a future relationship of any sort. Don't antagonize her, don't make scenes, if she makes scenes, then don't engage and just walk away. (Depending on the future circumstances you may need to document that you're not stalking, harassing or doing anything aggressive. My divorce took two years and during that time and even years afterward I walked around with voice recorders as my 'insurance policy' in case I was surprised by a confrontation.) If there are people siding with her, they are either her negative supporters or gullible people who may or may not eventually figure out you're a reasonably normal and okay guy.
About your defense... .Does she have a History of doing this to other ex-BFs? If she's done this to you, she's quite likely done this to others. It would be wise to check court records wherever she has worked or resided in case there's history there. Perhaps police reports in case nothing arose to the level of court allegations.
Understand the psychology of this. Likely she was abusive, yet her perceptions and mindset demand that she Deny any fault or responsibility. The Denial is a hallmark trait of BPD. So if it wasn't her, then it has to be you. If this next hearing doesn't end the matter, then your lawyer could ask for her to have a Psychological Evaluation to determine her mental state. (Be forewarned, usually only the accused gets a Psych Eval, the claimed victim is usually exempt since assumed normal. If the court wants to have you undergo a Psych Eval, then do your best to get BOTH of you ordered to comply with one.
If you both get ordered to take Psych Evals, then make sure you hold onto your eval until BOTH results are shared between lawyers and the court. Why? When I was first in the court process, we were both ordered to get Psych Evals. I complied and my report was shared (anxiety) but to this day I have never found out whether she ever complied. She stonewalled and court never pursued it. So it was only afterward I realized I have given up an advantage. My lawyer could have said, "We have FD's report and are ready to exchange for Ex's report." Opportunity lost. However, court won't care about fixing her mental health issues. All you need to do is end the case without getting burned. Being able to get her mental issues evaluated by a professional in court could help.
I'm not saying a conference with her lawyer won't help. Her lawyer may convince her to withdraw the allegations. But don't Gift Away your innocence. You'll never get it back from a legal standpoint.
I faced multiple allegations. I already described the first round when we first separated. Well, when I filed for divorce she responded with another set of allegations, primarily stalking and harassment. (I was only trying to call my preschooler on her cell phone which I was paying for. She either ignored the calls or hung up immediately if she answered. My VMs never once spoke to her, I left them for my son only.) In court the lawyers agreed to (1) several months order with NO guilt implied or found, (2) we both avoided each other and not just me, (3) divorce court would handle visitation and custody issues and (4) the settlement was of a type where ex could not get the order extended, when it ended, it Ended. If she wanted another, she'd have to start all over.
I have a feeling the case will end up being dismissed. The relationship ended a half year ago. For her to make claims about problems back then is stretching the limits of credibility, like 'sour grapes'. Courts usually limit the scope of incidents to the most recent 6 months. Did she file in June hoping to lock in that option, before the conflict back then got too old, legal term 'stale'? The point is that if the relationship is over, you're not seeking her out, then there ought to be little basis to justify an order now. Yes, you'll have to figure out how to handle encountering her - never ever in a private scenario! - if you both work for the same employer.
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