She hit me while drunk and I returned

[Boll2017]

I’ve been trying to leave my undiagnosed  wife of 22 years. I am 58 years old.  When I am away from her at work I am ready to pull the plug then I get home and then hear her latest sob story. Then I can’t do it.   Daily speeches about her troubled childhood.  Or how someone slighted her (normally she is exaggerating).  The constant talking to me.  Following me around our condo.

The deepest ongoing issue was how she hated my family with over 20 years of constant attacks on me for being disloyal and how I haven’t defended her against some unintended slights that just were small or never happened.  Nevertheless I cut off my family to appease her.  So when I stood up for myself a year ago and resumed contact with my family she had several episodes of drinking which led to hours of verbal abuse.  This included suicide threats and comments about how I was

She blamed the suicide threats on side effects from
Anti depressants she was taking.  Now she is off those meds. 

Nevertheless she later reached the point of where she had an episode where she started breaking dishes including throwing them at me.  I pleaded with her to stop and she finally did (at least that episode).

Then a few weeks ago she became drunk and started hitting me.  I started to leave and then she blocked the door.  When I broke free I ran out and she screamed so loud the neighbors looked out.   

I spent the night in a hotel and returned.  I didn’t have any medication or important papers that I want to protect. So I went back.  The abandonment she felt Seemed to have made an impact.  She called her psychiatrist and now is going to a DBT group. However now she says she is only going for me when she doesn’t feel validated by me. Then the next morning she is in my face telling me how she is working on her class homework.  She steadfastly refuses one on one counseling

After all of this pain I am finally going to see my family and a wedding in 2 weeks.  Now she is proudly showing how she is implementing the DBT group sessions.  She doesn’t get angry.  Now it’s almost daily speeches about how hurt and rejected she feels that she can’t go (I told her that it’s best for everyone considering her constant anger toward them).  Now instead of anger it is daily crying.   When I am exposed to this my inner voice tells me to run.  Yet I am frozen by her despair and outreach to me for comfort.

Just one emotion replaced with another.  From anger to depression. The message is the same. She is the victim.  No understanding of how past behavior affects me.  When confronted about how her attacks on my character hurt me I am told to think about what triggered her reaction.  The next thing she says Is i have autism for not wanting to touch her - I don’t because I cringe when I do so. Then the next day it’s a speech about what the class is teaching her in general.

I just hate myself for not having the courage to leave her.  I have so much resentment and contempt for her after all of these years. I am not sleeping well. I just feel hopeless.

[Cat Familiar]

    Welcome, Boll. We understand and have very similar stories. It’s a lot to bear, having a BPD spouse.   

You’d like to leave your wife and feel resolved about that when you’re away from her, but when you return home, she hooks you with sympathy pleas and you feel confused and depressed.

She tried to make you feel disloyal to her about your family so you cut off contact with them to try and appease her. When that didn’t improve the situation with her, you stood up for yourself and resumed your connection with them. She then became abusive and threatened suicide.

She later blamed the suicide threats on antidepressants and though she quit using them, she’s been violent to the point where you needed to leave the home for the night. Good for you for implementing your boundaries!

You leaving made an impact on her and she began doing DBT group therapy. Now she feels all better and thinks it’s unfair that you’re going to a family wedding without her.

Instead of rage, you’re dealing with hurt feelings and that’s tugging on your heartstrings. You see it’s the same dynamic—she feels like the victim. It’s really good that you have this overview.    And like you say, it appears that she has no awareness nor care about how her behavior has, and continues to affect you.

Of course you feel the way you do; you’ve had many years of this behavior to deal with and now you’re totally fed up with it. Regardless of whether you stay or leave this relationship, take a look at the sidebar and keep reading and posting more of your story. If you leave, what you learn here will help make that transition smoother. If you stay, we can assist in making things more tolerable with your relationship.

In the meantime, enjoy the time alone at the wedding with your family.

[Red5]

Afternoon Boll,

Seems that pw/BPD do not react well to logic, facts, and or the resultant consequences of their actions.

I am very sorry that you are enduring this, twenty-two years is a long time, but I have to say to you that I admire and respect your courage and strength at having stayed in your marriage for so long.

Not an easy road to travel.

I was married to my first wife for almost twenty-two years, long story.

I myself am fifty-two years old, and I have been remarried for about seven+ years now… after having been a single father for about a period of five years.

Turns out, I am one of those caretaker kind of guys, always looking to save the damsel in distress, so here I am again.

Keep posting and telling us about your situation,

Best regards, Red5

[pearlsw]

Hi Boll2017,

I am sorry to hear your troubles. You paint quite a picture here. I am really struck today by how many stories here resonate with my own, in bits and pieces. Oh my!

I know how hard it is to leave someone, though the reasons vary, it is not always an easy prospect. Lately, I feel a bit trapped by suicide threats. After a recent bad scene I did not immediately walk out because I am afraid for my stuff as well, and not being able to get to work... .which I am weighing against the treatment I'm subjected to here. I notice you were away and went back. I know how hard it is! I know! 

What would say paralyzes you? Can you identify and put that into words?

with compassion, pearl.

[Boll2017]

Of course you feel the way you do; you’ve had many years of this behavior to deal with and now you’re totally fed up with it. Regardless of whether you stay or leave this relationship, take a look at the sidebar and keep reading and posting more of your story. If you leave, what you learn here will help make that transition smoother. If you stay, we can assist in making things more tolerable with your relationship.

In the meantime, enjoy the time alone at the wedding with your family.


[/quote]

Thanks for the understanding.   I am in like company.  Very comforting.  Your advice to look at the sidebar is right on.  I am working on steps 3 and 4.  I found this sentence especially helpful

You might still be hurting from wounds from your childhood.   

I really see myself in my father. Right down to the symptoms of depression.  My mother was mean to him.  Jealous of his relationship with me. She would. Say I am the peacemaker when they fought.  Constantly putting me on a pedestal while criticizing my father.

My dad said he didn’t leave due to himself coming from a broken home his parents divorced when he was 7 yrs old in the 1920s. He didn’t want to put my brother and I through that.  But then he stayed once the kids were grown for whatever reason.  Perhaps he just resolved and settled

He did not perform an emotional leader role.  He coped by being deferential toward my mother. 

I am looking forward to time with family to help clear my head.

[Cat Familiar]

The family dynamics were similar with my parents. Like you, I played the peacemaker role.

My dad tried to be a good man and how he put up with her unkind behavior is incomprehensible. She would push and push him, until he wanted to explode, but only one time do I ever remember him getting close to doing that. Ultimately he coped by withdrawing into his own world after work. It was very sad.

I'm sure he stayed for me, so that I wouldn't be so overly influenced by a crazy woman.

I now see that I copied his tolerance for impossible behaviors. Now that I know that, I'm more aware of my own boundaries and tolerate much less.

It's good to examine these family of origin patterns. 

[Red5]

I'm sure he stayed for me, so that I wouldn't be so overly influenced by a crazy woman.

I now see that I copied his tolerance for impossible behaviors. Now that I know that, I'm more aware of my own boundaries and tolerate much less.

I wonder... .if my own children are replicating this now in their lives, my two youngest are in their mid-late twenties now... .after having watched what their mother and I went through together/apart; dysfunctional then divorced; married for almost twenty two years... .and then after a five year hiatus, a single father ... .I remarried, and now seven years downrange; I understand wife #2 is BPD (?)... .what have I taught my children unwittingly ?

I am watching, .they both seem very wise beyond their age now to me, they are both on their on, and thriving, so far so good.

Red5

[Boll2017]

What would say paralyzes you? Can you identify and put that into words?

Thanks Pearl for the empathy.   


This is codependency I am struggling with. The feeling that I am somehow responsible for her. Seems this disorder moves BPD sufferers toward folks like me.  And I have a strong example from my parents. See previous post.  I am hoping this latest boundary setting with
going alone to see my family will give some sense of personal control
that better connects my caretaker emotions to my rational sense that I need to take care of myself.  Sometimes I am so down on myself for
not listening to my inner voice.

[Red5]

This is codependency I am struggling with. The feeling that I am somehow responsible for her.

I also "struggle" with the FOG, ie' fear-obligation-guilt, but I am no longer codependent, my first marriage cured me of this, I think for good.

Seems this disorder moves BPD sufferers toward folks like me.

 

Me2, seems like I attract, and as well I seem to be attracted to'... .the old "rescuer of the damsel in distress" profile.

I am hoping this latest boundary setting with going alone to see my family will give some sense of personal control that better connects my caretaker emotions to my rational sense that I need to take care of myself. 

Connecting, or reconciling my caretaker emotions to my rational sense, is a constant inner battle I fight with myself,

Sometimes I am so down on myself for not listening to my inner voice.

It has taken me years, maybe decades to LEARN to trust my inner voice, ie' my gut.

Red5

[Boll2017]

[quote author=Red5 link=topic=327868.msg12989328#msg12989328 date=1533319332

Turns out, I am one of those caretaker kind of guys, always looking to save the damsel in distress, so here I am again.




[/quote]

Red - this is right on for me as well.  My counselor tells me that I am a giver in r/s.  She said givers attract takers.  I would never say that to my wife.  She is a high functioning borderline who likes to feel everyone’s pain until she thinks they slight her.  Then she becomes the victim.  

Her self image is that she is highly compassionate and is thrilled when people are dependent on her in some way.  Enmeshment?

[Red5]

Red - this is right on for me as well.  My counselor tells me that I am a giver in r/s.  She said givers attract takers.  

I was seeing a counselor in the last years of my first marriage, 2002-2003 ish' she told me about the same thing, she said to me, ."you seem to always be taking care of everyone else, so tell me, what do you do... .ever; for yourself"... .I had no answer, zip, zero, nadda... .I was flummoxed as to even be able to begin to answer her question, .as I was severely codependent at that time, that really rung my bell.

(My wife)... .She is a high functioning borderline who likes to feel everyone’s pain until she thinks they slight her.  Then she becomes the victim.  

Mine too, .have you ever heard of the "waif-hermit-queen-witch" thing ?

Her self image is that she is highly compassionate and is thrilled when people are dependent on her in some way.  Enmeshment?

I have been reading a lot of late, about the "inner wounded child" thing, how it relates to pw/BPD, and non's... .ie' we non's may have been inadvertently trained in our childhood, or early adult life, to be as we spoke of earlier, a "caretaker"... .and if we never fix the initial programing glitch, we are doomed to repeat over and over... .same with the pw/BPD;... .they emulate learnt survival traits learned in their childhood (dysfunction), or else early adulthood.

Right now, I am watching something play our in my own u/BPD wife's foo, my MIL, had recently remarried, four months ago, [long story], but the fella passed about two weeks ago, a very short marriage, probably for administrative purposes only (?), and now u/BPD wife's foo is being forced (?) to help mum-in-law go through this mans effects... .two homes, three vehicles, a boat, a camper, and sixty years of his life... .effects... .I tell you, I can see the actual delayed behavioral traits; teenagers coming out, in all three of the foo sisters, as mum-in-law dictates this that and the other thing... .meanwhile the man had an estranged son surviving, the only foo he had left, and it looks like its turning out to be a war of the roses, over this mans effects... .he had appointed both mum-in-law, and the son as dual executors... .this will be a complete train wreck.

Talk about high-functioning borderline(s), and playing the victim... .add in queen - witch; BPD(npd?) foo MIL... .this will be a real show... .

Sorry to go of track there a bit... .I do believe that this is multi-generational, and if the cycle is not broken, it continues from one generation to the next, .one only needs to observe the foo, to see this.

... .knowledge / wisdom is hindsight (20/20) they say.

I figure by the time I'm eighty, I'll have figure it all out eh'... .,

Red5