Update: Got custody, at what age do you explain BPD to the kid?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I had posted a few months ago asking for advice after we realized how much my stepdaughter (now 11) was being affected by her mom's increasing dysregulation.  H immediatey got SD to see a therapist, then hired a lawyer to get primary custody.

We had a few months of lots of crazy, and then uBPDex gave up.  It coincidentally happened the day that her psychiatrist told her that she was a great parent and should fight us.  I think that this tiny bit of validation was all she really wanted.  She refused to go to the hearing for temporary orders and instead handed H a paper saying she'd agree to whatever he wanted as long as she got to see her daughter sometimes.  She also included a letter from her psychiatrist about how wonderful she is to give to the judge. The judge was flabbergasted.

Custody officially switched last week.  H also got sole mental health decision-making capability.  [This was important because uBPDex kept trying to turn SD's therapy sessions into "family therapy", and then filed all kinds of complaints against the therapist accusing him of masterminding a plot to steal her daughter.]  SD was enrolled in our school district today.  uBPDex is making noises about moving out of state to be with her on-again/off-again boyfriend.  I doubt she'll do it.

Therapist says that SD is excited about the changes but is worried about her mom's reactions.  We periodically review SD's texts, and her mom has been upping the emotional manipulation - when SD sets boundaries, mom will tell her not to bother coming to her house.  Last week, mom promised to bring SD to a movie, got her all excited making plans, then said she couldn't take her because if I didn't like the movie choice she'd never get to see SD again.

At what age do you tell your kids/stepkids that their other parent meets all the criteria for borderline personality disorder, and what that means?  SD does know about mom's diagnosed anxiety disorder, but a BPD explanation would provide some more context to her about some of her mom's behaviors and potentially help her understand that it's not her fault, that her mom isn't necessarily choosing to be cruel, and that mom isn't necessarily going to change. 

Do y'all know of any age-appropriate books to help explain to her what that means?  Everything I've seen seems geared to adult children.  Or, at this point, do we just let the therapist handle it without ever going into details about what the underlying problem likely is?

[worriedStepmom]

I had posted a few months ago asking for advice after we realized how much my stepdaughter (now 11) was being affected by her mom's increasing dysregulation.  H immediatey got SD to see a therapist, then hired a lawyer to get primary custody.

We had a few months of lots of crazy, and then uBPDex gave up.  It coincidentally happened the day that her psychiatrist told her that she was a great parent and should fight us.  I think that this tiny bit of validation was all she really wanted.  She refused to go to the hearing for temporary orders and instead handed H a paper saying she'd agree to whatever he wanted as long as she got to see her daughter sometimes.  She also included a letter from her psychiatrist about how wonderful she is to give to the judge. The judge was flabbergasted.

Custody officially switched last week.  H also got sole mental health decision-making capability.  [This was important because uBPDex kept trying to turn SD's therapy sessions into "family therapy", and then filed all kinds of complaints against the therapist accusing him of masterminding a plot to steal her daughter.]  SD was enrolled in our school district today.  uBPDex is making noises about moving out of state to be with her on-again/off-again boyfriend.  I doubt she'll do it.

Therapist says that SD is excited about the changes but is worried about her mom's reactions.  We periodically review SD's texts, and her mom has been upping the emotional manipulation - when SD sets boundaries, mom will tell her not to bother coming to her house.  Last week, mom promised to bring SD to a movie, got her all excited making plans, then said she couldn't take her because if I didn't like the movie choice she'd never get to see SD again.

At what age do you tell your kids/stepkids that their other parent meets all the criteria for borderline personality disorder, and what that means?  SD does know about mom's diagnosed anxiety disorder, but a BPD explanation would provide some more context to her about some of her mom's behaviors and potentially help her understand that it's not her fault, that her mom isn't necessarily choosing to be cruel, and that mom isn't necessarily going to change. 

Do y'all know of any age-appropriate books to help explain to her what that means?  Everything I've seen seems geared to adult children.  Or, at this point, do we just let the therapist handle it without ever going into details about what the underlying problem likely is?

[zachira]

I don't know of any books to explain BPD to a child. Whatever explanations you give, they should be age appropriate and take into consideration the needs of the child above anything else. It is important that the child understand that he/she is not at fault for how badly a parent is behaving. It might really help to send the child to therapy, as children often have concerns that they don't feel comfortable discussing with a parent, and a therapist can help the child to recover from the trauma of living with a mother with BPD, and adjusting to a new living situation, especially if the child is in a new school which means everything has changed. Do reassure your stepdaughter that mom's not fulfilling her promises is not saying anything is wrong with your stepdaughter, and show her some extra love when you can.

[ForeverDad]

Years ago PDAN had a booklet, An Umbrella for Alex.  I'm sure there may be others now.

Helping her to realize that there are patterns to these behaviors, whether a diagnostic label is used or not, will help her to understand that there is a way to make a sort of distorted sense to the behaviors she's witnessed.  Predictably unpredictable yet still patterns to be discerned.  In any case you can use age appropriate descriptions and explanations.  She's an adolescent now, a preteen, so more can be explained than to a younger child.

[Panda39]

Hi Worriedstepmom,

I've pulled a link on "Raising Resilient Kids" that you might find helpful (there is a list of books at the end including the one ForeverDad mentioned).

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

I think what is most important is to validate your SD's feelings around her mom.  Ask questions about how she feels about any particular situation with her mom, help her problem solve, and validate her feelings... .I'm sorry you weren't able to go to the movies with your mom I would be disappointed too.

I think validating her is more important than naming her mom's condition. (The Power of Validation is a good book on the topic... .also listed on the reading list included in the last link)

In my SO's situation with his daughters the name BPD came up during a crisis with his younger daughter (13 at the time).  She made suicidal comments at school, the school did their job and reported, so D13 ended up inpatient psych for several days.  She was diagnosed with PTSD.  So there were many conversations about mental health during this time... .it was all out in the open.  Discussions about her uBPDmom were occurring so BPD surfaced naturally in some of these conversations.  Her dad made some books available on the topic to both of his daughters (at the time D13 & D17). 

They both understand that mom has mental illness and yes on one level that can be validating to them, but knowing that still doesn't stop their mom's ability to hurt, betray, use, lie, bully them etc.  She still has the power to cause pain.  That's were validating your SD's feelings comes in, and teaching her tools like boundaries comes in, and radical acceptance.

To me it's more important to help your SD negotiate situations involving her mother more than labeling her mother.

Panda39

[worriedStepmom]

Thank you for the link and recommendation.  I'll check that out.

I appreciate all the advice.  It feels like we are finally able to breathe again as a family after all the tension of the last few months.  Now that the immediate steps were taken, we're looking at long-term strategies for helping SD.

[kells76]

Hello worriedStepmom, a fellow stepmom here... .

Panda39 and ForeverDad have good advice about focusing on discussing behaviors rather than diagnoses, because it's what Mom does -- rather than what the name is for what she does -- that impacts your SD.

I wonder how it would go to have conversations about personality -- not PDs, just personality. That we're all born with traits, like perhaps an inclination to be shy, outgoing, class clown, confrontational, etc. We still have a choice, though, about what we want to do about our personality. Maybe discuss imagining trying to change part of your personality: "OK, now go out and just don't be shy any more!" and how on the one hand that would be really difficult, but on the other hand we are responsible for the decisions we make with the personalities we have.

I would maybe not be the one to label Mom as BPD. If SD somehow hears about it and brings it up, she might need a big ol' dose of validation first before having it confirmed (if ever). There was a member on here a while back whose daughter came to her and asked, "Mom, is Dad a psychopath?" From what I recall, Mom did great and said, "Why do you ask, my dear?" -- instead of jumping all over that opportunity to finally say "Yes, Dad is a psychopath, and let me tell all about all the horrible things he's done."

Yeah, I would probably have those two validating questions at hand -- "Why do you ask, hon?" and "What was it like for you when Mom did that/said that?" Focus on helping your SD feel really, really heard and understood. Have some side conversations, like maybe about a movie or TV show, that discuss behaviors, boundaries, and personality.

kells76

[worriedStepmom]

Have some side conversations, like maybe about a movie or TV show, that discuss behaviors, boundaries, and personality.

Oh my gosh, that's a great idea!

I actually did this during the legal wrangling when we happened to watch a tv show where the teenager hadn't seen her mom in a year.  uBPDmom had been telling SD that we were going to make it so that SD would never ever see her mom again.  After the show, SD and I talked about how we'd feel if we didn't get to see our parent for so long, and whether there were any circumstances we thought would make that decision appropriate (it was a very very tiny list). 

I never thought to do the same with shows where characters may show one of these kinds of personality traits. 

[ForeverDad]

Back in the forties there was a murder/mystery movie Gaslight where a young woman was 'gaslighted'.  The man really was trying to convince her she was mentally unstable, caused her to doubt herself, because she kept seeing the gaslight go down when he insisted it didn't.  It may be able to provide a basis for conversation.

[Panda39]

Not sure how appropriate many movies with BPDish characters would be for an 11 year old.

Movies that come to mind for me... .

Mommy Dearest
Fatal Attraction
Girl Interrupted
Silver Linings Playbook (Bipolar)... .My SO found this movie very difficult to watch... .triggering
Thirteen

  Probably all rated R

Panda39

[kells76]

Watched a LOT of the new "My Little Pony" series in the last few years. It's pretty rock-solid on interpersonal relationship values. Not sure if your SD has aged out of that range or not, but DH and I actually enjoyed watching it with the kids -- lots of easter eggs (i.e. a Big Lebowski scene in the background).

Anyway, there's one episode where a character imputes bad intentions to her friends (why aren't they coming to my party? they must hate me, I'm sure of it... .well, I'll show them, I'll be mean to them right back). It does a pretty good job showing what happens when we "mind-read" about what people's motivations are.

Other good episodes about accepting that others have different interests than you do, asking for help when you need it, how to say No, dealing with somebody in your life who is chaotic, etc. You can get fairly deep with these if you want to.