Well I tried

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well I have a bigger favor than usual to ask of everyone here .If you were in my shoes exactly now ,what would you do? We are talking again no problems ,I’ll be seeing her Wednesday and we are going up let’s for the weekend .

My list of what I want in a relationship:

Loyalty,respect,a friend and a lover,someone who wants to spend “some” time with me . That’s it and those are all equal not in a particular order

[Shawnlam]

Well I have a bigger favor than usual to ask of everyone here .If you were in my shoes exactly now ,what would you do? We are talking again no problems ,I’ll be seeing her Wednesday and we are going up let’s for the weekend .

My list of what I want in a relationship:

Loyalty,respect,a friend and a lover,someone who wants to spend “some” time with me . That’s it and those are all equal not in a particular order

[juju2]

Go, have fun, create a possibility,
live in the present;  enjoy the now.

Most if not all my issues w my pwBPD,
are just that, my issues... .   it looks like its him.  It really does.

be a tree, not a statue... .

[zachira]

It sounds like what you want in a relationship is pretty simple:  "Loyalty,respect,a friend and a lover,someone who wants to 'spend' some time with me." What you have described fits the description of what most of us would like to have in a relationship which is connection, respect for our feelings, someone who is a best friend, someone who is there for us in the best and worst of times, a caring lover, and truly enjoys our company.
What are your deal breakers? In other words, what are the red flags that there is never any possibility of even dating or beginning a relationship, or this relationship has to end right now and there is no possibility of reconciliation?

[once removed]

If you were in my shoes exactly now ,what would you do?

this is an inherently complicated question, because even in your shoes, you and i may have different values, perspectives, desires, tolerance, motivations, personalities... .

thats not to dodge your question. its to tell you that its not all about right or wrong ways to handle this, but that im going to try to answer your question generally, and from the perspective of someone who loves my partner and is genuinely committed to and investing in making it work. youre conflicted in that, at least when challenges arise and the pressure increases. committing to one path or another is the start.

to start with, id let go of this recent incident. i personally dont see it as a big deal, disrespectful, or a lie. having said that, i understand why you do, and that it unnerves you to be told one thing then see another, and i can relate to that. i see that issue as both a matter of your own perspective (right or wrong) and one of, long term, getting on the same page with my partner; communicating, expressing our wants and needs, expectations, etc.

Loyalty,respect,a friend and a lover,someone who wants to spend “some” time with me .

i would begin by modeling those things, and doing/giving them myself. that, to me, is leading. i would place reasonable expectations on how long that takes to become established between the two of you. as i said earlier, the honeymoon is kind of on its last legs, and thats where things take work... .from my view, the two of you havent long term sustained a relationship beyond the honeymoon phases. i would think 2-3 months is a reasonable amount of time to see some level of progress in terms of starting to get on the same page. there will be more hurdles for the two of you to overcome as a team.

next, when my partner reflected those things back to me, i would use a whole lot of positive reinforcement. id let her know i appreciate this or that, i like/love when she does this or that, thank her for this or that, tell her i feel more connected when she does this or that (i think one opportunity to do this was when she let you know where she was and what she was up to... .i think she was trying to keep things upfront). and id give it back consistently.

if i were you, as far as actually solving conflict goes, id not involve friends or family (they will throw up their hands) for now, id lean on advice and support here when conflict arises, and id be diving into the lessons to the right of the board, like the communication tools... .we also have a lesson on surviving confrontation and disrespect  . id do all the above before i tried to state what i dont like, want to change, what she can do about it, that sort of thing. those are certainly appropriate discussions for a couple to have, but id wait until i and my relationship are on more stable ground.

[Wicker Man]

Once Removed is right.  No one should give you guidance as to whether you should stay or go. 

... .this is an inherently complicated question, because even in your shoes, you and i may have different values, perspectives, desires, tolerance, motivations, personalities... .

If someone does offer you a concrete 'stay or go' -run from that person.  No one but you has truly walked a mile in your shoes.  All we can do is offer you a mirror with which to observe yourself.  The more opaque the mirror the better.

Once Removed said

... .I'd do all the above before i tried to state what i dont like, want to change, what she can do about it, that sort of thing... ... ..I'd wait until my relationship [is] on more stable ground.

Presenting your concerns about her behavior should not constitute an intervention on your part -a laundry list to be presented all at once.  A relationship is a journey -a long game.  Build a foundation and then over time you can try to help her into a normalized relationship.  Love has a magically curative effect.  Stability is one of the best medicines.

Patience, understanding, respect, compassion -these are all two way streets.  Lead by example.

Patience is a virtue, understanding is diabolically hard, respect must be earned and compassion is the glue that holds everything together. 

The honeymoon phase of a relationship (6-18 months) is the skittles and beer -the salad days.  Once this ends the work begins - ideally with the memory of the honeymoon period becoming a marriage map you can look back upon when things get tough. 

Here one BPD Family the honeymoon phase is often referred to as the idealization phase -because with BPD when the honeymoon ends devaluation can come.  It is my observation relationships with someone afflicted with BPD are 'higher stake' relationships.
 
The highs are stellar and the lows can be pretty dark (I smiled as I wrote that).  This is why I keep mentioning patience.  When she has a 'transgression', which we all do, but people with BPD seem to do it better... .it is up to their loved one (you) to have compassion (glue), understanding (ugh hard) and respect for their relationship as an institution and overcome the transgression.

If you dysregulate when she does you will end up in a very sharp and short negative spiral.  I.e. dissolution.

I mentioned Dream Come True's drinking -she was putting herself into a physically dangerous situation with a very dangerous man.  It took every ounce of my being to be even keeled, supportive and help her extinguish this behavior.  I knew if I tried to fight fire with fire I would have been out gunned.  She could be 300 pounds of rage in a 90 pound package.  With this as my supposition I never raised my voice to her in fact the louder she got the quieter I spoke.

As far as your friend wanting to spend time with you... .Are you fun to be around or is it always sturm and drang?  Do you make her feel safe and loved? 

The only way for you to be fun to be around is if you are able to relax --I keep saying deep breaths.  I mean this literally and figuratively.  Hell... .Dream Come True started making fun of me for taking deep breaths.  She quickly learned it meant she was making me crazy and it became a mechanism for our bonding.  At one point I took a deep breath and she went from raging to laughing at me or better said at us.

If you are going to continue in this relationship you have to remember she is a special person and you have to accept all of her -love all of her. 

To quote Raising Arizona "Well... .it ain't "Ozzie and Harriet."


Wicker Man

[Skip]

We are talking again no problems, I’ll be seeing her... .

The problems are still there, Shawn.

You are experiencing disproportionate emotional reactions to the normal ebbs and flows of a relationship that are significant enough that your mom wants to call your girlfriend and your friend say you look like a wreck. This is a big deal.

You and your girlfriend have different values and priorities and there is conflict over value clashes that you are not able to resolve. Yes, you can bend her arm and get her to promise not to be herself, and she can try to hide her real self, but it pops out and then there is a crisis. You react at extreme levels. She is afraid to tell you or confront you, so she is developing "safe tactics" (like sending you a video) so that she can be herself and not chastised for it.

You are attracted to her physically/sexually and she likes your stability, but the two of you can't really cope with each other. There is no meeting of the minds. Each of your family units/social circles question the health of the relationship.

We have a saying here that "nothing changes without changes" which means if we want things to be better, we have to change what we are doing. You seemed locked into some of Red Pill ideology about relationship and the roles of men and women. You are fearful of letting go of the very things that cause you pain. And you see it as unnecessarily because the problems mostly lie with her.  In this sense, you are battling with yourself as much as her.

So I don't think the question is as much about whether you should continue in your relationship or not, as much as it is, whether you get in touch with a deeper value system and use it to shape yourself and your choices in life.

While you think she is the problem, all of the struggles you face are from things and thoughts that you can change.