Help Ex Wants to Move Into My Neighborhood

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Maybe even onto my street!

After a 4+ year ordeal, divorced in 2012, I moved back into the marital residence.  Two boys, S11 and S13.  S11 doing fine, S13 has had severe behavioral issues since childhood and it has gotten worse.  Right now he is on probation for taking a knife to school last year.  Socially challenged he communicates through text with his “friends.”  I check up on his text messaging and cell phone history and it’s bad language, bad content ,etc. and his hormones are now working.  He can’t consistently socialize with kids his age but he has “found” girls. 

“We” have tried many different avenues of therapy for S13. Nothing has worked.  Mom is NEVER on the same page and NEVER follows through consistently, always making excuses for S13.  Mother is the typical “emotionally needy” parent that always wants to be the yes person to both boys.

Mom has consistently been “in my business” since separation.  Quickly after booting me from the house she started shacking up with one of my neighbors’ best friends.  This neighbor just so happens to have a son that is good buddies with S11.  The BF gets totally different treatment than I ever did.  Mother supports this guys r/s with my boys as she never had mine.  Though mother portrays herself to be “religious” they are not married now being together over 7 years.  Mother had entrapped me by forgetting to take her birth control and the rest has been history.

So a few weeks ago I am picking the boys up from mothers and notice a for sale sign.  Odd to me as they haven’t been in the house that long to recoup expenses.  I have noticed some odd behaviors of late.  Mother communicating even less than normal with me, mother contacting the boys while with me by phone and asking them to come over to her house to “help” with yard work, etc.  We live close geographically, but mother is further from the middle and high school where both boys are now.

The boys had told my parents that she had looked at a house on my street that was for sale a few weeks.  Yesterday she looked at a house two streets away, then came by my house, real slow, looking at the property. 

My guess is her twisted mind is working twofold, she wants to be close enough to me that she can lure the boys away from my house to satisfy her neediness.  Secondly she wants to be closer to school than me so the kids have to walk by her house to get to my house and she can naturally capture them before they get to me.

Whatever the reason I find this to be a frightening proposition.  I also find the mindset, if I am correct, to be so telling but so concerning from a parenting perspective.  Mother has fooled a lot of people in the neighborhood successfully with her artificial charm.  Even the bf’s best friend and his wife. 

I honestly don’t think there is anything I can do other than move myself.  Mother successfully avoided a court-ordered psychological evaluation during the divorce.  I made three trips back to court to get it right to no avail and gave up.  So going back to court should be low on my list of possible alternatives given all the risks and landmines available in my courthouse.  It’s bad.  Ex’s attorney appears to be tied into the courthouse through her big firm, but she is the typical negative advocating attorney, disgusting, talentless, but good enough to thrive in this bad courthouse.   

I should also add, somewhere along the line it appears ex came into some money.  Which makes sense as she had drug out our equit dist process nearly 19 months without providing any financial records.  She had been in the midst of getting some inheritance monies I believe and I do get some of her mail at my house.   

[scraps66]

Maybe even onto my street!

After a 4+ year ordeal, divorced in 2012, I moved back into the marital residence.  Two boys, S11 and S13.  S11 doing fine, S13 has had severe behavioral issues since childhood and it has gotten worse.  Right now he is on probation for taking a knife to school last year.  Socially challenged he communicates through text with his “friends.”  I check up on his text messaging and cell phone history and it’s bad language, bad content ,etc. and his hormones are now working.  He can’t consistently socialize with kids his age but he has “found” girls. 

“We” have tried many different avenues of therapy for S13. Nothing has worked.  Mom is NEVER on the same page and NEVER follows through consistently, always making excuses for S13.  Mother is the typical “emotionally needy” parent that always wants to be the yes person to both boys.

Mom has consistently been “in my business” since separation.  Quickly after booting me from the house she started shacking up with one of my neighbors’ best friends.  This neighbor just so happens to have a son that is good buddies with S11.  The BF gets totally different treatment than I ever did.  Mother supports this guys r/s with my boys as she never had mine.  Though mother portrays herself to be “religious” they are not married now being together over 7 years.  Mother had entrapped me by forgetting to take her birth control and the rest has been history.

So a few weeks ago I am picking the boys up from mothers and notice a for sale sign.  Odd to me as they haven’t been in the house that long to recoup expenses.  I have noticed some odd behaviors of late.  Mother communicating even less than normal with me, mother contacting the boys while with me by phone and asking them to come over to her house to “help” with yard work, etc.  We live close geographically, but mother is further from the middle and high school where both boys are now.

The boys had told my parents that she had looked at a house on my street that was for sale a few weeks.  Yesterday she looked at a house two streets away, then came by my house, real slow, looking at the property. 

My guess is her twisted mind is working twofold, she wants to be close enough to me that she can lure the boys away from my house to satisfy her neediness.  Secondly she wants to be closer to school than me so the kids have to walk by her house to get to my house and she can naturally capture them before they get to me.

Whatever the reason I find this to be a frightening proposition.  I also find the mindset, if I am correct, to be so telling but so concerning from a parenting perspective.  Mother has fooled a lot of people in the neighborhood successfully with her artificial charm.  Even the bf’s best friend and his wife. 

I honestly don’t think there is anything I can do other than move myself.  Mother successfully avoided a court-ordered psychological evaluation during the divorce.  I made three trips back to court to get it right to no avail and gave up.  So going back to court should be low on my list of possible alternatives given all the risks and landmines available in my courthouse.  It’s bad.  Ex’s attorney appears to be tied into the courthouse through her big firm, but she is the typical negative advocating attorney, disgusting, talentless, but good enough to thrive in this bad courthouse.   

I should also add, somewhere along the line it appears ex came into some money.  Which makes sense as she had drug out our equit dist process nearly 19 months without providing any financial records.  She had been in the midst of getting some inheritance monies I believe and I do get some of her mail at my house.   

[Harley Quinn]

How much communication do you have with your ex wife?  I'm guessing you keep it to a minimum?  Would you feel OK asking her where she plans to move to normally (when she is communicating at a usual level)?  Perhaps she is considering your area as only one of many options. 

Regards asking the boys to help her when it is your time, how have you handled that?  It must be a very difficult situation for you to manage without sounding critical of their mother.  I'm interested to hear what you plan to do to resolve that if it's not already been addressed.  Is there a court ordered parenting schedule for the family?

Love and light x

[scraps66]

HQ, bare minimum is right.  However, now with each having phones, ex is communicating more directly with both.  About things that should go through and it affects my ability to parent.  Topics such as homework for S13, he's atrocious at keeping track, but she makes herculean efforts to make sure he knows what he has to do - although he has all the things he needs online to find out what his assignments are, she does it for him!  So this "triangulating" way of communicating (keeping me out of the discussions) has grown into S13 thinking he doesn't have to respond to me, doesn't have to eat my food, doesn't have to listen to what I say, doesn't need to war the clothes I buy him, etc. 

What I had recently started to do to get S13 away from his phone was to throw him outside and tell him to ride his bike.  He would just ride his bike to his mothers and do what I was trying to get him away from, sit and watch video after video on his phone.  So I think maybe mom is trying to take advantage. 

I may remind mother about talking to me, first.  But it would only be to document her behavior.  She doesn't listen and most times me mentioning something can make her do it more.   

We have a very skimpy court order, 50/50 legal and physical custody.

[livednlearned]

He can’t consistently socialize with kids his age

If I remember correctly, your ex is a special ed teacher who believes S13 may be on the spectrum. What are your thoughts about that?

It's separate from your worries about mom moving into the neighborhood (which would throw me into a full-blown panic too), but I am curious how you landed on the topic of S13 being ASD.

[scraps66]

If I remember correctly, your ex is a special ed teacher who believes S13 may be on the spectrum. What are your thoughts about that?

It's separate from your worries about mom moving into the neighborhood (which would throw me into a full-blown panic too), but I am curious how you landed on the topic of S13 being ASD.

LnL, S13 has been diagnosed ASD several times over.  IMHO he is not ASD, he is more ODD and disruptive than ASD.  My take is that his dx have been strictly based on his behavior in school.  However, when observed at home, through two years of Wraparound Services, he was diagnosed with the disruptive like behaviors.  (Incidentally, mother did not participate in the wraparound services at all.)  However, mother tried pretty hard to "make" him ASD.  She cried with his original ODD dx.  Ever since then it appears to me that she is trying to "create" him as ASD.  Exposing and involving him in things that are characteristic of ASD, things like music and trying to get him to appear smart, like pressuring him in to getting all As and Bs - on the other hand the life skill of being able to keep track of his work is lost.  He just doesn't do it and this is three years running.

 

[livednlearned]

You and I have some similarities with regard to this -- and I don't want to hijack the thread with something you weren't asking for feedback on   unless it's ok with you to discuss it here.

[scraps66]

Fine with me LnL, anything is good conversation. 

I should also add, S13's behavior is A LOT like mother's.  Blaming and not owning up to behavior and outcomes, lying, justifying why it is ok to use the "f" word in text, etc.

[livednlearned]

There is emerging research that suggests (genetically at least), ASD and BPD are in the same part of the brain. Both filter social information in ways that are not "neurotypical."

In my small sample size, there seems to be an ASD/BPD genetic chain.

My H (uBPDxw) has a son diagnosed with ASD (at the time of dx called pervasive development disorder).
H also has a D21 (diagnosed bipolar II) that seems to have both ASD and BPD traits. She cannot read facial expressions.
My son (uBPD/bipolar dad) was recently diagnosed level 1 ASD (what used to be Asperger's).

At an NEA-BPD Family Connections clinic I attended, an expert came to discuss the ASD - BPD connection, essentially saying people with these traits are special needs, and while they are totally separate diagnoses, do share characteristics genetically. Kids with either diagnoses require specific parenting skills and parents with these kids often exhibit PTSD symptoms. It's hard.

I am certain that my son, had I stayed in my BPD marriage, would exhibit characteristics of BPD. When he was 9, he was diagnosed ADHD/ADD combined type, as well as ODD. He was later diagnosed with OCD, Tourette's (a form of OCD), anxiety, depression. Recently, I learned that particular combo is apparently a specific cluster that can often be seen in ASD Level 1. It took my son's psychiatrist almost 4 years to come to the ASD conclusion and finally, after reading a lot about Asperger's, it makes sense to me.

Tony Atwood's book on Asperger's syndrome is worth taking a look at if you are curious about whether there is any merit to the dx for your son.

I was able to get some traction with validation with my son. It wasn't until I read up on Asperger's syndrome and started to adjust some of my communication that things started to really budge for us. He doesn't know about the dx (yet), so most of this is me changing how I communicate with him.

The other piece of this that has been profound for me, is the idea of the ASD brain like a house, where one room is overheating, and the others are all cool. In neurotypical brains, all the rooms are evenly heated. When an ASD brain spends too much time immersed in video games, it's like heating that one room until it's on fire. The remaining rooms never warm up, and the ASD traits create a negative feedback loop. 

Some believe that back before computers, kids with mild ASD would be socialized into more neurotypical behaviors (more manners, more social situations, a bigger variety of demands on their time). Today, those same kids aren't getting the same exposure and expectations, especially socially.

I wonder if a BPD parent has a similar effect.

[scraps66]

Interesting.  Honestly, I spend the majority of my time posturing and strategizing how to thwart ex’s efforts to interfere with my parenting time and have little left over or the energy to do a whole lot of research on S13’s behavior.  We have also had a ton of time invested in meetings at school.

S13 was dx’ed asperger’s, high-functioning ASD.  Ex was elated with this diagnosis as it seems to indicate he is smart (hence her emphasis on As and Bs in school) and removes any type of environment tie from the equation that existed with his initial ODD diagnosis.

I’m both envious and impressed with your knowledge, but also the fortunate exposure it seems you’ve had to top notch care.  This is one of the things, aside from joint legal custody, that has been frustrating for me.  The lack of decent psychologists to work with.  After S13s probation was levied last year, school paid for us to go to a psychiatrist who would evaluate him and report back to school.  One of his pieces of advice was to find an “out of network” psychologist who could work with S13 on CBT.  He suggested some names that didn’t practice in CBT.  But his message was, in cases like ours, the really good clinicians are those that are out of network.  I had pretty much deduced this myself as well.  But it was good for me to hear and to hear in front of ex. 

So I go through the effort of finding someone that looks good for S13.  I tell ex, and her first argument is that the person doesn’t take insurance.  So I go back to what Dr. W had said, that we needed to go out of network.  After a million other excuses I give in and agree to go to ex’s therapist.  A guy that we had actually seen during unsuccessful marriage counseling.  OK, we go.  Not consistently.  I was already thinking that this guy wasn’t right for us.  After one session where S13 and I discuss cell phone usage, and what was expected, and that I had recently taken his phone due to poor usage, the therapist talks to me alone.  He claims I’m being “too rigid” in taking the phone.  My argument was, if there are rules, and he continues to break them, he loses the phone.  Period.  At that point I had already taken the phone due to such things as “jokes” on S13’s (posted by S13) about school teachers being shot and many other things, bad language, etc.  So I still don’t think this guy is for us and maybe he’s too “soft.”

Ex had taken #13 about three weeks ago to this guy and apparently did not make another appointment.  Or she’s only going to make appointments on her time. 

I continue to think that any type of therapy will not work because ex will always try to feed her neediness by allowing S13 to take the easy road that leads back to her. 

As far as the dx, I am thinking that S13 is a little more mischievous than an ASD dx would dictate.     

[livednlearned]

I am thinking that S13 is a little more mischievous than an ASD dx would dictate.

Meaning, he is very clever in getting his needs met (through whatever means possible)?

[scraps66]

Yes, but more or less, dishonest.  His recanting of incidents at school are consistently not the same as everyone else's. 

[ForeverDad]

I don't know how attached you are to your home, but once they've locked into their house, you could consider moving so your kids won't won't pass that house as much.

In recent years the housing market has been strong, she may end up purchasing near the top of the apparent bubble.  If you later sold and relocated an appropriate distance, she may be reluctant to sell, lose some investment and follow.

[scraps66]

All true FD, however I consider this to be great unreasonable lengths, jumping through "hoops of fire" to get to an acceptable arrangement.  I'd almost rather threaten and take her back to court to remove her custody.  The expense would be comparable to the moving expenses.  I've invested a lot in my home.  I'm also considering finally telling some specific neighbors about just what really happened here.  She has got the boyfriend's best friend and wife baffled it appears to me, they have no clue that she is a sociopath and does bad things for these kids.

[scraps66]

Maybe I'll put up a for sale sign!

[Waddams]

ASD qualifies for a lot more help and services through the support a school can offer than ODD.  Even if he has ODD for real, ASD is a better category to put him in for generating an IEP. 

As for her moving close, that would kill me, but I wouldn't move if my XW moved onto my street.  If she began intercepting S14 to the point it became disruptive to my parenting time, I'd find a way to stop it.  Maybe a standing order, come home, check off homework/schoolwork, make sure chores are done, etc.  THEN he can go down the street to visit mom but he's home at a specified time for dinner unless specific arrangements are agreed to ahead of time.

Of course, at this age, he should be getting intercepted by friends after school of his own instead of either of his parents.

[scraps66]

Waddams all good, but easier said than done.  With shared custody it is assumed that both parents want the child to thrive and improve.  To mom that means the child must follow her and appease her needs.  It is almost as if she is ok if he falters just as long as he comes running back to her.

As for orders and having them enforced, I have little faith in my courthouse.  They couldn't even write a proper order to have her psych evaluated.

One thing my dad said stuck with me, he said, "if your neighbors don't know or think she's crazy, they will if she moves in."  maybe some truth to that.  But, me sitting back and living a reclusive life in my neighborhood has not really made it easier on me or as easy as it appears to my ex to come and go in my 'hood.