Have a New Born Son with BPD Mother

[needsomehelp]

My goodness, where to begin... .I have read through the forums and they have been helpful. Most people in my life are sick of hearing this saga. I live with it every moment of my life. There seems to be no good answer, and I keep spinning my wheels. I started writing and next thing I know I have written three-page word document before even getting to the current status. So I just skipped the past and got to the main points of the current. Feel free to ask any questions if you need. Hoping some of you can help. Here we go... .

I have a three-month-old son with a woman who I believe has BPD. I love my son more than anything, but I have only met him once when he was born. That day was both the best day of my life and the most traumatic. Best because I met and held my son. Most traumatic because after agreeing on his name, she changed it to a name we never even spoke about while I was away from the hospital for an hour. That moment broke my heart.

We live 1,000 miles away from each other in different states. We started off in a long distance relationship that was always tumultuous. I always thought it was the distance, so after some time, I moved up to where she lived, but it was the same. A week or two after learning she was pregnant another traumatic event happened and with it came a moment of clarity that our relationship was completely dysfunctional and it was never going to stop. At that point, I told her that I was moving back to my state and did not think it was responsible for us to have a child and I was in favor of an abortion. She is so manipulative, she got my mother so wrapped up in the baby that they started to plot against me. (I know, this is becoming some real Jerry Springer stuff). She and my mother came up with a plan to tell me she had an abortion. I learned of it not so long after I started the motions of moving back.  

I have not seen my son in three months and I am in so much pain. I want nothing more than to be a father, but to be a father means to have influence. She can take it anytime she wants, which means anytime I do not live up to her expectations. (Personally, you all seem like a better people than me because I cannot live like that).

A few weeks ago we started talking again about my son. She sent pictures. He looks just like me. It was so traumatic to see my boy and realize all the time I missed. But I was equally elated because he was so happy and innocent and there is still so much more time to go. We discussed me coming up to visit. I said I really wanted to just be able to be alone with my son for a while. She said that is fine and I can come be with him while she is at work. She will just tell the nanny not to come.

I made arrangements to travel up, which would have been yesterday, and things between us seemed to be going well. Then the following day, I received a letter from my state's department of revenue stating a child support case had been opened up against me. (I was already sending money to her on my own). I asked her if there was something she wasn't telling me, and she broke down crying saying she was sorry and she would fix it. And, of course, she didn't. She came up with a ton of excuses and said I was pressuring her to stop the proceedings. She said if I did not like what she was doing she would just keep the case open. (It became clear to me that is what she was going to do). Later that night (Thursday), she sent a picture of her and my son on a plane going somewhere and used it as an excuse as to while she did not get the proceedings stopped. It hurt, again. Not so much because of the child support case, but because of the lying and hiding.

I did not hear from her for the entire weekend. Monday (two days before my flight up), she tried to use a text messae asking if "I want FaceTime with my son" to break the ice and get me to respond to her. I did not. I needed to speak with a lawyer first. I then got a series of messages saying she needed to know if I was still coming so she could tell the nanny not to come that day and so that she could pump extra. I finally spoke with an attorney and then responded to her. It was a few hours later. I said I would be there Thursday and Friday to be with my son and asked what time I should come over. She said she would be working from home and I could come over anytime... .

I said, "Wait, you are going to be there?" She said she, "yes". I told her this is not the plan we discussed. We discussed me being there while she was at work. Of course, she said the opposite. I then asked if would be okay for my son to come to the hotel with me. She said she couldn't pump enough for the day. I asked how can she for the nanny but not for me. She then said she can do it mon-wed but not Thursday and Friday. Around and around we went.

I said I want the time to be about my son and me, and I did not want to be alone with her in her home. yada,yada,yada she said. And I said, I was not comfortable with how plans changed and I will not be coming up.

She was staying at home and doing all of this so she could be around me. She is obssessed with me, but not in a good way. You all know what I am talking about. I just see it an do not give into it in any fashion. I have tried calling her out on it but it leads no where. 

I get a call from her this morning and I answer to tell her that I am not in her state. She then tells me I am a dead-beat dad, etc... .

Look, I can just go on and on about this and other interactions. All we do is argue. She doesn't care about me. She is extremely manipulative. I do not know what to do. In order to be in my son's life, it seems I have to move back up to her state where I do not know any one and was extremely lonely. And I am going to have to deal with her and her emotional abuse. I am at an utter loss.

I want to be a father to my son and a positive influence in his life. Hell, it is really all I want to do, but I am not sure how I am going to do that when I have to move to a place where I am unhappy and then have to deal with her manipulations and BPD... .Any insight would be very helpful.

[needsomehelp]

After writing this, I realize I am not doing well. It seems like there is no one that I am able to turn to who can help me. It seems like in order to be there for my son, I have to give up everything in my life I have worked so hard to create and move 1000 miles away and find a new career. On top of that, it seems like everything in my personal and professional life needs to be buttoned up because it is going to require my full attention to deal with her BPD. So much:

1. Move
 - live in a climate and area I do not want to live in.
 - sell my house and live in an apartment because that will be all I can afford in that city.

2. Find a career. I am an entrepreneur. I have built a business. I am not exactly employable, as in having a job seems like prison to me.

3. Deal with her BPD to see my son. Being a father is so important to me. My father was never present in my life. I am huge on structure, so the thought of not having any makes me think I am going to lose my mind and not be able to be present. It seems like that is what she really wants from me, so she can point and say to my son: "See, it's him. Not me."

 

[DaddyBear77]

Hello needsomehelp, welcome to bpdfamily 

I'm really sorry about the circumstances that have brought you here. It really sounds like things have been very difficult, and this is often the case inside of relationships with someone who suffers from the effects of BPD and BPD like symptoms.

Setting the legal issues aside for a second, this may come down to a very difficult choice of priorities. At the very least, it will be something that might require thinking "outside the box" and careful negotiations with someone who is in a highly emotional state. As a primer for that, I would encourage you to read through this page on Communication Skills. It may seem basic, elementary, or even unfair and insulting to have to be the one to do so much work here, but the benefits of truly understanding these skills can be the basis for a compromise.

It sounds like you've consulted with an attorney - this is good. In regards to the legal options, have you discussed your custody rights in addition to your responsibilities to provide child support? These seem like two key issues.

You've done a good job of laying out the choices you have in front of you, and I can sense some understandable frustration and perhaps resentments in your writing. Deep down, have you thought about whether you're willing to do the things you outlined, if it comes to that?

[needsomehelp]

Yes. I have thought about it. My concern is the unknown - figuring out child support and custody. Because I do not know these options yet and because I am not ready to commit to moving up there, I remain in a holding pattern. I am truly struggling with the reality of this situation. It seems that I am always looking for a solution and working with a person whose solution is just to stay engaged with me.

Truth be told, I already made my decision to leave. Now, I am fighting that decision.

With regards to communication, yes I have the books on the topic. And you are correct that I hold resentment for being the one that has to learn communication skills just to overcome her insecurity and need for validation. Especially, when I want to do any and everything except validate her.

[ForeverDad]

 
There is an entire world of issues and struggles when there are custody and parenting disagreements.  Emotional distress is the most impacting but let me take some time to mention some likely legal and practical issues.

Right now she is "in possession" of your child.  Without a court order she can pretty much set all the terms for your parental contact.  I think any court case will have to be filed and handled in the mother's county but confirm that with an experienced lawyer in her state and area.  She's filed for child support.  That is because most people with BPD (pwBPD) and other acting-out disorders know what $$$ are, not so much the 'sharing' part.  It is unknown whether she also filed for court orders regarding custody and parenting.  Odds are she feels she is in control and didn't do that paperwork.

Courts usually separate the custody and parenting issues from the child support one.  What that means is that you face child support almost automatically regardless of your contact with your child.  Odds are it will be up to you to file for a court order granting you a parenting schedule.  In most states you would be granted joint custody, though if not married she may be the one who gets custodial decision making.  She probably (?) can't get full custody unless she can prove your are some kind of a danger to the baby (substantive child abuse, neglect or endangerment).

You are right that she shouldn't be able to force you to be supervised by her during your parenting time with your son.  She's going to claim, "But I'm the mother!"  Without a court order her claim won't be challenged even by the police.  That's why you'll need to get an experienced, proactive and problem solving lawyer to start a case for determine custodial responsibilities and a parenting schedule.  Typical schedules for babies and up to 3 years of age are frequent but relatively short visits — every 2-3 days for several hours and even some overnights.  If you're in another state then an adjusted schedule would apply.

She really should not demand visits be with her present or refuse overnights.  However, without an order, she's the one in possession.  And if unmarried she may be the one in charge by default.  The fact is that the court, while not necessarily fair, will probably be "less unfair" than her.  As I stated above, court should grant some overnights (if not now then eventually) and not require your parental visits to be on her terms or her supervision.  In other words, your parenting time ought to be your time and not controlled or dictated by her.

She's already made the claim that she has to be there for breastfeeding.  You've already exposed it as posturing since the nanny gets more time than she is willing to allow you.  Millions of mothers who work express their milk and keep it refrigerated or frozen for when they are away.  She has no claim to be an exception.  Very likely she will make that claim to a judge and you need to be prepared to reveal it as her trying to obstruct, reduce or place conditions on your parenting.

Your baby is already 3 months old.  By the time a case is filed and you get before a judge to get an initial hearing and order the baby may be 4 or 5 months old, no longer a small fragile infant.

When you do speak with the judge or other professionals around the court, remember to be respectful.  Don't bicker with her.  You already know you can't reason with her, she's not listening.  Show the professionals that you are a problem solving, practical parent, not one complaining, seeking problems or obstructing the other parent.

[needsomehelp]

Thank you. That was very insightful, practical, and helpful. I have been living in bewilderment for the past six months, honestly. Each interaction with her makes it worse. Recently, I realized there has been a part of me that was very much in love with her. (Or rather, in love with the idea of her good side and fooling myself that she actually cared about me). It is the saddest part of the whole thing and part of why I have been frozen. How she behaves and thinks has been so foreign to me... .How can I care for someone so much who pretends to care for me... .? And sadly, who is using our child as a means to control me. This is my emotional side.

My practical side is "what about what am I going to do about it?" My son, sadly, is an idea to me at this point. I do not know him; though, I yearn to know him and be his father. Yet, to know him in any real manner means I need to move up there where I have no support system.
 

I guess I am coming on here to learn if anyone has ever been in a situation where it seems so daunting just to be able to be a father to your child? Is there anyone who chose not to fight this fight and later regret it? Is there anyone who chose not to fight and things got better? (I sincerely suspect that as my son get's older she is going to realize it is not a game anymore. Right now, he is a cute and innocent infant, so she has no incentive to want to share him).

You're right about the attorney and the courts. I have them lined up. It seems to be the only move I have at this point, but I know, without being willing to relocate, it is almost pointless... .I do not want a superficial relationship with my son. I do not ever want him to have to sacrifice his hobbies or pursuits to "come see his father." And I fear relocating to her area because I have no support system or a job up there. She has me right where she wants me. And she was able to convince my mother to back her, which has also been extremely hurtful and bewildering.   

Thank you for all of your post. I apologize if I keep repeating the same mantra. I promise I am looking for a practical solution. (I pretty much already know the move to get there). I just never thought I would be in this situation. It is so foreign. Mostly this is what I am interested in hearing about... .How did people handle the shock of all of this... .I suppose it would so much more natural to fight if we were both established in the same city.

[DaddyBear77]

Hi needsomehelp,

I was not able to be the kind of father I wanted to be when my daughter was first born. The biggest challenge was my wife's BPD behaviors - I couldn't protect my daughter, I couldn't parent my daughter, I had to spend all my time and energy managing and helping my wife be stable. Being a father seemed impossible sometimes. I never left my wife nor did I physically leave my daughter, but even this shortcoming on my part has led to a lot of regrets and tough conversations with myself about what the consequences might be now and in the future.

You may experience none of this kind of regret. You may experience a much stronger more intense regret than any of us could imagine. It will likely be somewhere in between.

I can say that in the case of my daughter, the idea of this "cute and innocent" infant was a very brief moment that happened while she lied on the warming table immediately after her birth. Very very quickly, you realize the weight of the responsibility you now have as a parent. This innocent creature is 100% dependent on you for their very survival. Every syllable they utter, every dirty diaper, it's all because you loved them enough to put something into them.

Not every parent sees it this way, but if you can go into this process with that kind of mindset, I don't believe you'll have to wonder with regret if you did the right thing.

[needsomehelp]

I have not forgotten about you all, and I appreciate your advice. I have been hard at work in the court system, dealing with the BPD mother, and the parental coordinator. I am close to $30,000 in on legal fees due to frivolous motions by the mother. Also, I believe she is getting an attorney pro-bono. I had to get in the weeds with her to close out some of the motions she was filing to save legal expenses. More importantly to gain access to my son. In that time, I have bonded with my son and have managed to get four overnights. Over the course of the last four months, I have spent equal time with him versus apart from him - his mother had been around 90% of the time. In the middle of all of this, he mother decided to move out of the custody jurisdiction during the custody battle. I was following her because I wanted to be in my son's life and we were arranging a 50/50. All was going well until she realized we were not going to be together and what it meant to lose some of "her control," as I access she sees it. She has now denied me access, stopped coordination efforts to reach a parenting agreement, and made all sorts of accusations about me. I am at a loss again. I keep chasing and end up going in ten different directions. I am believing all she wants to do it fight, and I am scared out of my mind.

[worriedStepmom]

That's great that you established a relationship with your son and now have proof that you are an involved father.

Her moving does not change the jurisdiction of the case, does it?  Your L should be able to continue the case.

Did you have any kind of temporary orders guaranteeing you access to your son? 

[ForeverDad]

Typically when a court case is ongoing one parent can't unilaterally move away without either the other parent's agreement or the court's overriding permission.  I'm not saying the court would automatically say No, after all, uncounted thousands of parents move each year and at least some of those moves include divided families.  But in most states your ex would have to have very good reasons to relocate.  For example, "My work skill is specialized and my employer closed and there are no similar opportunities in this area so I took a job over in (nearby state)."  Or less convincing, "I moved here because needsomehelp lived here.  Now that we're not together, I need to return where I resided before where my work, family and friends are."

Did she use something like one of those claims with the court and how did the court respond?  I guess a better question is, when did she move and was there an ongoing case at the time?

Can I ask about the overnights?  You said you've had 4 overnights, is that in the last 7 months?  So when you said you had equal time with him, are you talking about daytime visits?  A typical case with separated parents and a baby/toddler would have a schedule with the father getting, more or less, 2 or maybe 3 overnights every two weeks.  (Most schedules are two week schedule with the expectation that the parents alternate weekends.)  If you're getting one overnight on average every two months, there's something off here.  So I presume she won't "allow" more?  If court is involved, then a better schedule is up to the court and not mother's discretion.