When to serve papers?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello Everyone--
I have the papers all set. I just am terrified to serve him. The lawyer suggested I do this when he is home and I am away with the kids. With school starting this is not going to happen anytime soon. They also said we want it to be a surprise. What are your thoughts regarding this? Then there is 2 weeks before temporary orders. What do you do then? He will lose it. My friend suggested I have the police come by and check on me. Should I ask him to leave after he gets the papers? But I know he won't so I guess I will have to. I can't do this at the beginning of the school year, so maybe it would have been smart to do this summer. There was literally no time that he was home and I was away. He went on a business trip when we went away after I decided to hire an attorney just a month ago. I want this to end but I am petrified of how he will act and I don't want him here. I asked him to move out and of course he won't.
Any thoughts?

[12years]

Hello Everyone--
I have the papers all set. I just am terrified to serve him. The lawyer suggested I do this when he is home and I am away with the kids. With school starting this is not going to happen anytime soon. They also said we want it to be a surprise. What are your thoughts regarding this? Then there is 2 weeks before temporary orders. What do you do then? He will lose it. My friend suggested I have the police come by and check on me. Should I ask him to leave after he gets the papers? But I know he won't so I guess I will have to. I can't do this at the beginning of the school year, so maybe it would have been smart to do this summer. There was literally no time that he was home and I was away. He went on a business trip when we went away after I decided to hire an attorney just a month ago. I want this to end but I am petrified of how he will act and I don't want him here. I asked him to move out and of course he won't.
Any thoughts?

[ForeverDad]

I have written in the past a truism, "There are no perfect times, you have to choose one that is 'less bad'."  Does that make sense?  For example, you wrote that you're pondering whether to wait nearly a year for next summer.  If you do that, I worry you'd find some other reason to delay even more for the 'right' time.

[12years]

Hi Forever Dad--
Yes, no time is good really. I won't wait until next summer. Just sort of wish I had done it then.
But, any thoughts of what do after papers are served and the person with BPD has a history of anger and won't leave. That two weeks seems long with someone who is absolultely can't control themselves on a regular basis nevermind soon to be completely ripped from his life.
Are you divorced, or working on it? How did it go?
--12 years and counting

[livednlearned]

Ripping off the bandaid is so hard. I'm sorry you're at that point in the process -- it's never easy, tho as ForeverDad says, sometimes we can pick a time that is less bad.

Did your L give you any guidance about what to do if the anger gets out of hand?

Your local police or sheriff department might have someone on staff who is trained to handle domestic situations like this. You could call and ask how things would be handled if, after he is served, things get hairy. It might also be worthwhile to arrange a time that they come to the house if you think having their presence could mark a line in the sand. My ex became downright charming and agreeable when lawyers got involved because suddenly there was sunlight shining on our situation.

That way you know what steps to take, and what will happen if you initiate your safety plan. They may also help you think of things that weren't top of mind, like whether there are guns in the house, etc.

If you live in a one-party consent state, you can also record without permission, tho it's useful to talk to a lawyer and hear how she or he thinks about that as a tactic. After I left, I used to hold up my camera just to signal that I would record anything about to happen. It didn't make my ex nicer to me but it did contain the worst of his behavior. BPD sufferers that I know seem to be able to contain bad behavior for short periods of time, so there is some self-control that they can tap into with the right motivation.

You are being cautious and thinking ahead, and that's good. Keep posting and asking questions -- no question is too small. Our responses might not be exactly what works for you, but sometimes just asking the question and thinking out loud helps to get your head straight for what comes next.

Is there a history of DV? How old are the kids?