Conflicting statements in Conversation

[anon56789]

Hi everyone, wondering if anyone has experienced what I am currently experiencing. I am not up to date on all the acronym's here... .My wife- Undiagnosed BPD and I tried last year to have a baby (invitro) unsuccessfully. We lost the baby and things took a serious turn for the worse. She went into deep depression and blames me for not caring. I do/did care, but we show emotion in different ways maybe I wasn't validating enough (reading up on the terminology here)... .I don't know... .Trying not to place all the blame on her... .But, This whole year she has mentioned divorce and how she wants to marry again to someone else. She says she wants to get divorced, but me still support her financially because "she cannot support herself" She wants to move out and me pay for two homes... .I just grin and bear it and never confirm to her that I agree with divorce (we are both of the Christian faith)... .Lately, she has been feeling the urge to try for a baby again. She says she wants a baby so she will not be alone in this world. She tells me she wants to have the baby, but she doesn't trust me around the baby. She wants the baby for herself (and statements of that nature)... .This last week or so, we have had 4 or 5 marathon sessions of her getting upset about something and she starts talking divorce again. BUT, in the same conversation, she is also adamant that she wants to try for a baby again... .Isn't that just crazy talk? It's insane to speak of those two things in the same conversation. My response is always reserved, never really sharing my true opinions of either divorce (possibly, but not yet) or the baby ( definitely NO right now). I just hear her out so she can get all her feelings and insults out and after a long while we finally finish the conversation.

Has anyone else experienced polar opposite conversations like this? I am going a little crazy. I am on the edge of making that big decision of Divorce finally caving into her years long requests... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[pearlsw]

Hi anon56789,

Unfortunately extreme black and white thinking is a hallmark of this illness. It can have devastating effects on us nons. In my case excessive divorce and breakup threats were always real for me and I treated them as such for a long time. I didn't know NOT to believe them or take them seriously. When I realized, unfortunately years later, what was up, a lot of damage was already done.

I know how hard it is because you don't know which version of "reality" to believe because they can both seem entirely convincing and real.

There is a lot here to read! Don't worry, I can still remember when I first came and I wondered what this JADE-ing stuff everyone was referring to was! You'll catch on!

Take your time, think it over, divorce is a big decision. Inform yourself a bit and let's keep talking!

What do you do for now to stay grounded and keep a foot in reality? 

warmly, pearl.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi anon,

I"m sorry for the confusing you are feeling right now. The mixed messages that pwBPD can give can really leave us unsure of what is going on.

Your W may talk about divorce one day then talk about having a baby in the next sentence. That's because pwBPD often react to how they are feeling at the moment and those feelings shift quickly. So when she says she wants a divorce, at that moment she really does want a divorce, but then later when she says she wants to try for a baby, then she really wants the baby. It's a hard place to be.

Has she ever moved out before? Do you think these thoughts are due to her feeling trapped? Depressed? Grieving over the baby?

[anon56789]

There is a lot here to read! Don't worry, I can still remember when I first came and I wondered what this JADE-ing stuff everyone was referring to was! You'll catch on!

Thank you for responding Pearl. I am not familiar with this term JADE- ing. I will search this website for it. I am currently working thru the Stop Walking on Eggshells workbook to build strategies to better the situation, but I have worn down this past year.

[anon56789]

Has she ever moved out before? Do you think these thoughts are due to her feeling trapped? Depressed? Grieving over the baby?

Thank you for responding Tattered. I am a man of few words and don't really want to write a "book" if I don't have to. There is so much more details than my original post that effect our circumstances. Blended Family, High Anxiety xwife, 2 bio kids on my side, her thyroid condition, cultural differences, language differences, bad childhood for her (sexual abuse multiple times, no father figure, depression, eating disorders). It is a mess... .

Has she moved out before? She has left a few times for a couple months at a time.
Do you think these thoughts are due to her feeling trapped? Yes, she feels trapped with my situation with my kids and my responsibilities to them. In a perfect world, it would just be me and her and everything would be a fairy tale. Instead, she tries to control (limit) my time with the kids and thinks that any interaction I have with the kids is a slap to her face and she feels I am not putting her 1st place.
Depressed? Grieving over the baby? Yes and Yes. I has almost been a year since we lost the baby and anything can trigger bad and depressing thoughts. But she turns those thoughts to anger against me and against my kids that is extremely hard to hear.

On the flip side, my kids (10 and 12)(especially my son) verbalizes their unhappiness toward her for the way she treats them. I try to be patient with them too and let them get their frustrations out.

It has been extremely hard to keep the peace these 5 years if you can imagine.

So yes, there is a mountain of details that I could go in, but for the sake of brevity and time, I have not.