Regrets and Second chances

[Depression = 72% of members]

Here’s the original post for my story:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326242.0

I wish I had done things differently when I got the breakup text 7 weeks ago. I’m unsure of what to do now. I’m feeling slightly better, but still in some pain and having difficulty concentrating. This is the longest we’ve been without contact. She’s my best friend, and I miss her.

I responded to the text with a voicemail, asking to speak in person or on the phone. She just texted back more of the same. Among other things, she said, “there’s no reason to discuss it anymore. “ I wished I would have pressed her on that, but I was concerned things might have broken down further. I didn’t reply until 2 weeks later, with just “Let me know if you ever have a change of heart.” I wish I had texted back, reiterating my desire to speak in person. I wish I had brought up the positive things she had said and done just days earlier… I wish I had called her on her behavior, just how cruel and selfish she’s being.

I also wish I would have gently acknowledged her fears of abandonment/engulfment. Another concern, is that she would get more upset, feeling like I’m analyzing her. The last time we saw each other, I was silent, she was upset and said, “It feels like you’re analyzing me!” I responded, “What, like I’m judging you?” She answered “No…” and silence resumed.

Thinking back to our past interactions, I know I have been way too passive. However, I was always concerned with JADEing and making things worse. Also, I think that sometimes she wanted me to argue with her, she wanted the conflict. She would say some rather outrageous things sometimes…

I want to reach out to her, but I have absolutely no idea how it would go over. I don’t even know for a fact that she’s dating anyone, she just said she was going to. For all I know, she’s in the process of splitting me white and about to reach out to me. Or, she’s in the middle of a new romantic fling…

At this point, I don’t have very many options, I can either reach out to her, or maintain NC. If I reach out, do I beg to resume our romantic relationship or ask to start over as friends again? Based on past behavior, things would escalate from platonic to romantic. However, with her at least expressing a desire to date other people, triangulation would be guaranteed.

Many posts on this board talk about the pwBPD “grieving in reverse” and recycling after a discard. However, this article says the opposite. https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Also, this board is titled in part, “Reversing a Breakup”. How is that possible when you’ve been devalued and discarded? It seems like it’s a gamble, to just maintain NC and hope that you’re split white again. I’m considering going LC. Any thoughts or advice?

[jukeboxhero]

Here’s the original post for my story:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326242.0

I wish I had done things differently when I got the breakup text 7 weeks ago. I’m unsure of what to do now. I’m feeling slightly better, but still in some pain and having difficulty concentrating. This is the longest we’ve been without contact. She’s my best friend, and I miss her.

I responded to the text with a voicemail, asking to speak in person or on the phone. She just texted back more of the same. Among other things, she said, “there’s no reason to discuss it anymore. “ I wished I would have pressed her on that, but I was concerned things might have broken down further. I didn’t reply until 2 weeks later, with just “Let me know if you ever have a change of heart.” I wish I had texted back, reiterating my desire to speak in person. I wish I had brought up the positive things she had said and done just days earlier… I wish I had called her on her behavior, just how cruel and selfish she’s being.

I also wish I would have gently acknowledged her fears of abandonment/engulfment. Another concern, is that she would get more upset, feeling like I’m analyzing her. The last time we saw each other, I was silent, she was upset and said, “It feels like you’re analyzing me!” I responded, “What, like I’m judging you?” She answered “No…” and silence resumed.

Thinking back to our past interactions, I know I have been way too passive. However, I was always concerned with JADEing and making things worse. Also, I think that sometimes she wanted me to argue with her, she wanted the conflict. She would say some rather outrageous things sometimes…

I want to reach out to her, but I have absolutely no idea how it would go over. I don’t even know for a fact that she’s dating anyone, she just said she was going to. For all I know, she’s in the process of splitting me white and about to reach out to me. Or, she’s in the middle of a new romantic fling…

At this point, I don’t have very many options, I can either reach out to her, or maintain NC. If I reach out, do I beg to resume our romantic relationship or ask to start over as friends again? Based on past behavior, things would escalate from platonic to romantic. However, with her at least expressing a desire to date other people, triangulation would be guaranteed.

Many posts on this board talk about the pwBPD “grieving in reverse” and recycling after a discard. However, this article says the opposite. https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Also, this board is titled in part, “Reversing a Breakup”. How is that possible when you’ve been devalued and discarded? It seems like it’s a gamble, to just maintain NC and hope that you’re split white again. I’m considering going LC. Any thoughts or advice?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

a lot of what you are describing your regret for not doing would have been chasing her or cornering her.

i think that your feeling that it would have broken things down further is probably the case.

i also think not doing those things looks strong, respects her wishes, and respects yourself. it may feel trite now, but if things dont go the way you want them to right now, even years from now you will be grateful that you stood strong and didnt chase.

lastly, i think a lot of these feelings/regrets/what ifs/ stem from feelings of powerlessness. i know they did for me.

to your questions:

At this point, I don’t have very many options, I can either reach out to her, or maintain NC. If I reach out, do I beg to resume our romantic relationship or ask to start over as friends again?

begging is virtually guaranteed to fail. respecting yourself and her is far more attractive.

if you want to reach out, something very light and upbeat tends to work best. in your personal situation, i would give it more time regardless of whether you want to pursue a relationship or a friendship.

do you want to be just friends with her? what would a friendship with her look like to you? are you prepared in the event shes not open to friendship?

Many posts on this board talk about the pwBPD “grieving in reverse” and recycling after a discard. However, this article says the opposite. https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

people talk about "grieving in reverse", usually as a way to describe second thoughts or doubts that people with BPD sometimes have. people with BPD, by and large, do not grieve differently than anyone else (except in the sense that everyone grieves differently, and there are often maladaptive grieving coping mechanisms with BPD (though not unique to BPD) like jumping into a new relationship).

Also, this board is titled in part, “Reversing a Breakup”. How is that possible when you’ve been devalued and discarded? It seems like it’s a gamble, to just maintain NC and hope that you’re split white again. I’m considering going LC. Any thoughts or advice?

60% of relationships in general recycle. sometimes there is a window to reconnect, sometimes there isnt. making things worse (chasing, begging, pleading, stuff like that) usually closes that window. the goal is to stop doing that stuff... .by and large you havent done that stuff.

i would not conclude that youve been either devalued or discarded. what i gather is that she sent mixed signals because she was confused and that ultimately, the relationship ran its course with her. her most recent stated intentions were to move on. yes it is possible that that may change.

im running a little bit long here, but i think the best card you can play (if you want her back) is to work on getting back to the confident, up beat guy that she was attracted to in the first place. to rebuild yourself, get to the most attractive version of yourself. let her play the dating world for a little while... .it can be a very disappointing world. at a point when youre a little more ready, a little more certain of what you want to do, if you still want her back, reconnect with a brief, lighthearted, fun reach out. she may bite, she may not. if she does, you can see about next steps.

[jukeboxhero]

do you want to be just friends with her? what would a friendship with her look like to you? are you prepared in the event shes not open to friendship?

We started out as friends, then became romantically involved. She frequently pushed me away and wanted to go back to being friends again. I would agree, then she would ramp things back up again. Eventually, I decided to not agree to it. It was either romantically involved or nothing. I was hoping to stabilize things, I thought it worked, for awhile anyway... .

Our unstable romantic relationship had a solid underlying foundation of friendship, if that makes any sense. I think I’m considering trying to start over as friends initially, and just allow her to fluctuate the romance on and off.

If she doesn't want me in her life at all, then I'll have to accept it.

i would not conclude that youve been either devalued or discarded. what i gather is that she sent mixed signals because she was confused and that ultimately, the relationship ran its course with her. her most recent stated intentions were to move on. yes it is possible that that may change.

Well, reflecting on our past few interactions, she was definitely devaluing. She started complaining and talking down to me about various topics.

She’s definitely confused, her last message acknowledged that. Maybe she felt it ran it’s course, but in the real world, it hadn’t really gotten off the ground.

Her intentions change all the time… her previous stated intentions were to stay single and get back into therapy…

im running a little bit long here, but i think the best card you can play (if you want her back) is to work on getting back to the confident, up beat guy that she was attracted to in the first place. to rebuild yourself, get to the most attractive version of yourself. let her play the dating world for a little while... .it can be a very disappointing world.

Except I was never very confident and up beat. We’ve known each other for years. She knows I’m sensitive and depressed. I didn’t know her as well as I thought, once her BPD symptoms began showing themselves. Her behavior continues to shock me, up to this recent breakup.

The dating world won’t be disappointing if she’s idealizing someone... .until the devaluing... .

Anyway, I'm continuing to heal and get better. Thanks for the advice!

[pearlsw]

Hi jukeboxhero,

As you are friends with her, it sounds, is it possible to just invite her to do something you would typically have done as friends and see where it goes from there? Maybe doing something, instead of just meeting "to talk" would be a way to give yourself new things to talk about aside from the relationship.

take care, pearl.

[jukeboxhero]

As you are friends with her, it sounds, is it possible to just invite her to do something you would typically have done as friends and see where it goes from there?

Thanks Pearl,

I’m thinking of reaching out to her with just a text, “Hi, how are you?”. Provided she responds, I could invite her out to something. If pressed, I was thinking of telling her I’d like to start over without expectations, no pressure. Many times when she pushed me away she blamed “expectations”, but wouldn’t elaborate. It seems like the pressure of a commitment triggers her.

There’s a couple events this weekend, we both have marked interested on facebook. However, one of them is similar to an event we were supposed to go together a couple months ago. We never went due to her push/pull. So with the similar event this weekend, I don’t know if she’s going, with who, if it would bring up bad memories for her. I'm getting ahead of myself, I haven't even reached out to her yet. I could always wait a week.

[pearlsw]

I’m thinking of reaching out to her with just a text, “Hi, how are you?”. Provided she responds, I could invite her out to something.

Hi jukeboxhero,

Oh sure!

Hmmm. It does sound like spending time together, but without "the talk" could be a nice idea... .provided she responds to the hi.

What would you say her level of commitment to the friendship is?

take care, pearl.

[jukeboxhero]

What would you say her level of commitment to the friendship is?

I have no idea. She fluctuates so much. With NC, all I have to go on is past behavior.

When I first tried to establish a boundary, not agreeing to going back to platonic friendship, she said, “it’s unfortunate we won’t be able to remain friends”. Then exactly 1 month and 1 day later, she contacted me.

The romantic aspect triggers her fears of intimacy, engulfment, and abandonment. I had thought BPD’s prefer clear cut roles and distinctions, due to splitting. I think that with her, maybe ambiguity would work best. She told me a lot about her past relationships. I don’t think any of them started out as friends.

[once removed]

are the two of you still facebook friends?

[jukeboxhero]

are the two of you still facebook friends?

No, she’s unfriended me twice, because she “needed space”. I don’t send her a friend request, I wait for her to send me one first.

Viewing event pages on my phone, she’s listed at the top under my friends for interested or going. Something about facebook’s algorithm does this, because we’ve had so much contact via text and calling.

[jukeboxhero]

Update – I broke NC after 2 months. I sent her a text, “Hi, how are you?” She responded, and we had a brief cordial exchange. She told me (without me asking) that she went to the event, similar to the one we were supposed to go to. It didn’t actually hurt to hear that, maybe I really am healing. Maybe I was just surprised she responded at all.

I invited her to dinner at a casual place we used to go to. She said she wasn’t able to on the night I asked. I responded with, “Let me know when you’re free to get together.”

So, I’m back where I started 2 months ago, “If you ever have a change of heart, let me know.” It still bothers me though, when I see her marked interested or going to an event. I imagine she’s going as a date with a guy. She could be going with a female friend, for all I know.

I imagine she’s still enjoying her new “summer fling”. I’m still working on integrating her cruelty and kindness. I’ve been learning the communication and relationship skills for dealing with a pwBPD, but I don’t know if I’ll ever have the opportunity to use them.

[pearlsw]

Hi jukeboxhero,

I can imagine how heartbreaking this is. Be assured that whether you get to use them with her or another person it is commendable that you have made an effort to learn some new communication tools. You lose nothing by doing this.

Are you seeing anyone else yourself? Still feeling a bond with her and not able/willing to? What feels right for you at the moment?

take care, pearl.

[jukeboxhero]

Last summer, when we first acknowledged our relationship becoming more than friends, she mentioned a “summer fling”. So, I’m wondering if that’s how she’s viewing her current relationship. Maybe she’s a pwBPD that goes by cycles for different periods of time?

Are you seeing anyone else yourself? Still feeling a bond with her and not able/willing to? What feels right for you at the moment?

No, I have some options, but haven’t taken the plunge yet. I don’t know for a fact she has a replacement, but I’m assuming she does. The bottom line is that she’s my best friend, I love her and miss her very much. I know that I need to continue healing. I think that I should try dating other women. Trying LC, rather than NC, to rebuild our friendship, maybe asking her out again in a week or so.

[pearlsw]

maybe asking her out again in a week or so.

Hi jukeboxhero,

I see! That sounds like a nice plan. When you ask her to do things as a friend do you feel okay about that? Is it hard because a part of you wishes for more? Can you keep your head clear about just being friends?

sincerely, pearl.

[jukeboxhero]

Last Friday I invited her to something that evening with friends, she declined. The following day, she asked how it went. I took the opportunity to invite her out the day after. She was very responsive and encouraging about actually going with me. However, she flaked the morning of.

She made the excuse of forgetting prior plans. I asked if she was nervous about seeing me again, she denied it. I told her that I think of her as my best friend, I miss her, and I just wish she would be honest with me about how she’s feeling. She asked what it was I wanted, if it was just to hang out as friends. I told her that I think we should try spending time together without any expectations, no labels, no pressure. She didn’t respond directly, but invited me to dinner tonight.

So, if she follows through, I don’t know how things will go tonight. I’m still angry with her, but I know I should keep things light.

[pearlsw]

So, if she follows through, I don’t know how things will go tonight. I’m still angry with her, but I know I should keep things light.

Hi jukeboxhero,

This sounds like a good idea! Keep it light! Take it easy. Take the time to listen and keep expectations in check. Looking forward to hearing how it goes!

Enjoy!

~pearl.

[once removed]

howd it go?

[jukeboxhero]

I have to say, I’ve talked to a lot of people including my T about this, but the best advice I’ve gotten has been from this board.

The evening went well overall. It was a bit awkward at first, but we started warming up to each other. After dinner, we went to her place, walked her dog and spent the next several hours just talking. She told me about all the events she’s been going to, with her female friends. If she has a replacement, she did a great job of not mentioning him. I actually told her I was trying to keep things light, but we ended up talking about deeper things, like we usually do. I managed to ask her about getting back into therapy. She said she saw a new therapist a few weeks ago.

We saw each other again a couple days later. She talked about being lonely and not really having anyone to spend time with. If she had a replacement, I guess it’s over. She texted me that night telling me how the past couple times seeing me have made her feel a lot better emotionally.

At some point, I need to have “the talk” about how much she hurt me, how things need to change this time. I plan on waiting until we get to the point of being romantically involved again.

Since seeing each other again, we’ve been texting during the day, like we used to. After having NC for 2 months, now we’re communicating regularly again, but I’m not happy about it. I feel this sense of dread. I have no reason to believe things will last. I think we’ll get closer and closer, then she’ll just push me away again. It hurt so much last time, I don’t want to go through that again.

My T and I talked about how I don’t enforce boundaries and it can trigger her fear of engulfment. I took the 2 months of NC to learn more about BPD and relationship skills. Now I just need to be vigilant about implementing them.

[once removed]

At some point, I need to have “the talk” about how much she hurt me, how things need to change this time. I plan on waiting until we get to the point of being romantically involved again.

After having NC for 2 months, now we’re communicating regularly again, but I’m not happy about it. I feel this sense of dread.

my two cents and take on things... .

it doesnt sound like youre completely comfortable with being friends with her, and you ultimately want more (thats a fine line to walk... .its the cards youre dealt, and we can help you through it, but dont underestimate the challenge). i suspect thats where the sense of dread is coming from, too. wanting to know where you stand, where things are going, and wanting your hurt validated by her.

and i think approaching it from that angle is likely to result in the scenario youre afraid of.

your hurts are valid. i think she is not the one to validate or heal them, and if you push her to, things will blow up. these are hurts to be resolved privately, through therapy, through the board. grieving them, healing from them, resolving them, will better lend themselves to possibly transitioning to a romantic relationship. there is a time and place for a "lets get on the same page" talk... .i tend to think they work best when they are collaborative, light, and upbeat, and when we do a lot of listening.

I think we’ll get closer and closer, then she’ll just push me away again.

heres the thing. youve communicated to her that you miss her friendship. shes prepared to give you that. i think right now, thats as far as shes prepared to go. shes likely not operating in the same headspace ie "where are we headed, what will this become". i think if she senses that you are, she may retreat.

additionally, and at least as importantly, is that transitioning from a romantic relationship to a friendship is a very awkward transition... .and when one party is hoping it becomes more, there are expectations that often lead to pushing for it, reading the situation anxiously, and despair if those expectations arent met... .more pushing.

ive been in similar situations. its often the case that theres a whole lot of catching up at first. things start, or go back to the "old way". and then, naturally, they die down a bit, and thats often when the person that wants more fears abandonment and pushes for more.

in order to play your best cards, youve gotta play the long game. if things die down a bit, its not the end of the world, but natural. when either or both parties can cope with that anxiety, thats when they are best equipped to get to the next stage naturally. personally, i would be slightly less available. no silent treatment, no games, just you being busy and preoccupied with living your best life (that will be attractive). the all day talks are very unlikely to last and it will likely alleviate some anxiety to be a bit preemptive about it, and anticipate it.

as a side note, there may be some tests along the way. so many times that ive been in this situation i inevitably hear about, for example, another guy (not saying shes seeing anyone). another example is a seemingly out of nowhere statement that kind of shuts down and seemingly puts the kabosh on any possible romantic future. how you react, or dont react, to those kinds of things are critical.

[jukeboxhero]

Your predictions were correct... .

Things continued going well until we started getting romantic again. We were on her couch and started to cuddle and kiss.
The next day she said we had moved too quickly and she wasn’t expecting that. She wanted to talk. (via text) I thought this was a good sign. Usually when she pushes me away, she refuses to communicate.

She said she had been on some dates (evidently they weren’t very good, since she was complaining about feeling lonely). She wanted to know where I was with everything.

I took a gamble and responded by telling her about her fears of engulfment and abandonment. I didn’t use those exact terms though. I used specific examples of things she had said and was as gentle as possible. I was worried about her response… to my surprise she thanked me for what I said. I think I was validating her fears?

I also agreed with her about things moving too quickly the night before.
So, we agreed about “no expectations”. Which I explained to her was to prevent her from feeling smothered or too much pressure. (engulfment)

She said, “I just want to make sure that I don’t hurt you, I’ve already done that enough.”


I think my mistake, once we started to get physical, was trying to pick things up where we left off. From an affectionate standpoint, she was acting the same way as when we first started seeing each other. I haven’t seen her since. We’ve exchanged at least a couple text messages every day. She’s been sick, so she hasn’t been available anyway. PwBPD’s tend to get sick a lot, don’t they?

She’s gone cold for the most part, so all I can do is just wait. Since then, she no longer messages me first in the morning. I had to message her first to get a conversation going. I only did that a couple of times.

She’s supposed to be leaving at the end of this week to travel for work. I’ll try asking to meetup with her when she returns.

[pearlsw]

Your predictions were correct... .

She’s supposed to be leaving at the end of this week to travel for work. I’ll try asking to meetup with her when she returns.

Hi jukeboxhero,

Thanks for the update! You seem to be handling this really well! It's good to hear how balanced and measured you are being.

Are you dating outside of this, or patiently waiting for her, or open to any direction life takes?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[jukeboxhero]

You seem to be handling this really well! It's good to hear how balanced and measured you are being.

Thanks, I feel alot better this go-round with her. The 2 months of NC have helped with that.

Are you dating outside of this, or patiently waiting for her, or open to any direction life takes?

I'm open to other options, but for the most part I'm patiently waiting for her.

[once removed]

im gonna   you a bit on the engulfment/abandonment discussion stuff.

it sounds like it went well enough this time around. but it could set up a really uncomfortable dynamic between the two of you... .it could make her feel analyzed and/or self conscious with you. it could come off as sounding like shes the problem/has the problem that needs to be fixed. it could put you in a sort of therapist position.

its good to be aware of these things about her, and adapt. i think low (or "no" expectations really applies, or should apply to both parties.

all day long/every morning conversations feel nice for a while. very quickly, they feel like a chore. and it is rushing things. its mixed signals for both of you.

the good news is that there is obviously still attraction and affection between the two of you. you can work with that, and its gotta feel good. i definitely agree that pulling back for now is a wise move. not only would i wait for her to reach out, but i might hold off on asking her to meet up. build things up more slowly, less pressure for the both of you. let her miss you, let her pursue a bit, respond/be available say 50% of the way rather than 100%.

[jukeboxhero]

Update – So, I waited for her to reach out, and then offered to take her to dinner to catchup.  She just gave a weak excuse to blow me off. I tried opening up to her, just being authentic. I wanted to talk with her, but she just gave more BS excuses. I called her on it (in a gentle way), and she said “I told you several weeks ago that I was starting to date, and I’ve started seeing somebody.” So, she definitely has a replacement. Provided she’s not lying, of course.

I told her that I still wanted to talk. She wanted to know what about. I said “a lot of things, but I don’t want to argue”.
Her last message: “I’m not sure what the outcome of a discussion would be. I don’t want us to say hurtful things to each other.”

So, things are pretty bad, went downhill awfully quick. I know, I should have been more patient, but it’s just frustrating. One lie after another. I can understand giving her space for a few days, that’s how it was in the beginning. But weeks, months at a time is just ridiculous. We haven’t seen each other or even had a real conversation in 3 weeks.

Nothing to do now but wait. Pushing or pursuing will only make things worse. If we talk, I’m liable to bring up BPD, which would certainly make things worse.

[pearlsw]

Update –

I told her that I still wanted to talk. She wanted to know what about. I said “a lot of things, but I don’t want to argue”.
Her last message: “I’m not sure what the outcome of a discussion would be. I don’t want us to say hurtful things to each other.”

Hi jukeboxhero,

I'm sorry to hear more space is opening up between you two. I know this is not the outcome you've been wanting. 

May I ask, what is that you wanted to talk with her about? (the "a lot of things")

take care, pearl.

[jukeboxhero]

A few minutes after making my last post, she messaged me asking to meetup for dinner. The restaurant was crowded, so we couldn’t really talk until after dinner. We talked for several minutes in the parking lot. It was awful, there was a lot of projection and gaslighting. Overall, she was very condescending and contemptuous. Not angry, but more in a manic, laughing way. It’s all kind of a blur, but I’ll try to summarize.

She told me about her recent sexual escapades, she was bragging about being promiscuous. She recycled an ex-boyfriend just for sex. She sounded like a sex addict. She actually talks down about her female friends for only wanting to have sex in a relationship. She was blaming me for us not having sex, but she kept pushing me away. A couple times while making out, she would physically pull my hand away from her.

My T said she’s afraid of intimacy. I think because her and I already had emotional intimacy, the physical act was too much for her. I know I have issues, I’ve been through abuse and trauma. Whenever I tried discussing it with her, she would push me away. The caring thing would be to calmly sit down and discuss it.

So, we’re done and done. No contact anymore. She will have to reach out to me.
It’s been on/off, stop/go, push/pull for the last year. She’s so incredibly selfish and cruel. I think the pain is going to get worse, before it gets better.

[pearlsw]

A few minutes after making my last post, she messaged me asking to meetup for dinner.

So, we’re done and done. No contact anymore. She will have to reach out to me.
It’s been on/off, stop/go, push/pull for the last year. She’s so incredibly selfish and cruel. I think the pain is going to get worse, before it gets better.

Hi jukboxhero,

Thanks for the update! Sorry to hear you had such an unpleasant encounter with her!  

By the pain getting worse before getting better do you mean for her because of how her life is at the moment? Or do you mean about you feeling bad?

I am also sorry to hear that you have experienced abuse and trauma! What can you do this week to help yourself become more settled around these issues? Do you friends or family you could spend some time with to help you feel connected to others in a positive/healing way? Or have any self-care in mind that you like to practice?

wishing you all the best, pearl.  

[jukeboxhero]

I meant the pain for me. I had difficulty sleeping that night and afterwards. It triggered the separation anxiety again. However, it’s nowhere near as bad as last time.

I hadn’t thought of her pain at the moment. According to her, her life is great… but behind the smiling, laughing, cruelty, I saw a very sad and sick woman.

I hadn’t been back to my NAMI support group since I reached out to her. They had discouraged me from reaching out to her, but I did anyway. I thought things might be different this time. I was very wrong. Although, maybe I needed this to see her for how she truly is. They welcomed me back at NAMI and their support was therapeutic.

Most of our communication was on facebook messenger. I decided to block her there. Now, I won’t have to worry about being messaged by her, or seeing her on some facebook event. I haven’t blocked her phone number, she has my email, and she knows where I live, so it’s possible she’ll make contact at some point.

Now, I’m going to get back into my usual routine, working on myself, healing, and seriously looking to find someone healthy to date.

[pearlsw]

Now, I’m going to get back into my usual routine, working on myself, healing, and seriously looking to find someone healthy to date.

Hi jukeboxhero,

I am sorry to hear about your pain and trouble sleeping. When hard times come I always try to project myself out into the future a bit, knowing that healing will come in time. The sting of the loss eventually subsides, but yes, it is so hard to live through these painful moments.

I am glad that you felt welcomed at the support group!

I think you have done a lot to show what a good friend and potentially more you could have been for her. I deeply understand the pain of losing (or starting to lose)what once seemed like a close connection with a lot of potential. I have always tried to comfort myself in the faith that the right things are bound to happen sooner or later as long as I keep my mind healthy and strong. None of this is easy.  

In terms of dating again, how will you approach that? Do you feel ready? How has this experience shaped you?

with compassion, pearl.

[jukeboxhero]

In terms of dating again, how will you approach that? Do you feel ready? How has this experience shaped you?

My dating history has been one BPD after another, if I'm not pursuing them, they're pursuing me... .This latest one was the longest, and most devastating. I'm going to stop ignoring the  when they present themselves. I'm going to actually finish my online dating profiles. I need to be more outgoing in person. In retrospect, I watched my expwBPD flirt with every guy she came across, in front of me. Maybe I've learned something from her at least.

I'm planning on leaving work early tomorrow to attend my first Co-dependents anonymous meeting.The following day I'll be back at NAMI. I'm seeing my T next week, I can only afford to see him once every other month. After trying several anti-depressants over the years that didn't work, I tried this genetic testing to determine suitable medication. We'll be going over the results of the test. I can spill my guts about this last horrendous interaction with my expwBPD.

After this experience, I feel like I can't really trust anyone. I've known her for about 4-5 years, we were friends for the past 3 years, and romantically involved for the last year. The truth is I never knew her. It was all an act. When she was telling me off, she said how she felt like she could finally be herself again. It was scary. From now on I'll be posting in the detaching board.

[pearlsw]

Hi jukeboxhero!

Okay, we'll see you over there!   

warmly, pearl.

p.s. Sounds like you are doing some great stuff here. I am sure members on Detaching would like to talk with you about all of this. You might even copy parts of this last message and post it there! Looking forward to walking with you on the next part of your journey!