Should I report my partner?

[Chitchat]

  I was in a relationship with a woman, now 35, until three months ago. I did various BPD tests on her behalf several times over and the lowest score was 6/9, but over time 9/9 seemed not unreasonable. I have been unable to decide whether there is comorbid narcissism. I suspect it, but am too close to be able to untangle her behaviours and trust my own judgment. She was obviously cheating, apparently selling sex, and bragged about how many men love her. She finished with me four times but acted with rage, denial or despair if I accepted the break - up. Then she accidentally sent me details from a local hospital of a visiting 74-year-old man, and confessed she goes with old men for money, 60, 70, 80 years old, who can't have sex with her, 'just hugs'. After she made a mockery of a joint initial session with a counsellor, I asked for a three - month separation to sort my own life out. A week later she assaulted me in public, and threatened me with police and immigration action. Yes, its complicated. She disappeared when I threatened counter - action. A month ago she broke no contract, sending me a photo of her on a bridge, supposedly in Australia, but with a French medieval tower in the background. I googled the name of the 74-year-old man, did a search of landmarks in his hometown, in France, and found the same bridge and tower. I found the exact spot where she was standing, using Google Maps, and found it was 1km from the old man's house. I contacted my own embassy and member of parliament for protection against vexatious allegations, and then my local French embassy. I am awaiting a second reply from the French embassy. It appears they are not interested in any contact until I submit names of the French man and my partner / ex - partner.

So, my dilemma is, do I report her? All of the above would suggest that I probably should. There is no reasonable doubt in my mind that she abuses and controls younger sexually capable men. But I don't know what is going on in his case. It's he one of the men who loves her? Is she extorting money? Is she controlling him? I suspect it. But, again, I cannot trust my own judgment. I don't even know if she was reaching out, and have no way to find out. She does have a caring side and was picking plants in my garden to treat his diabetes. What if it is innocent? I could hurt them both if it's a healthy relationship. I don't even know how long she can stay in France.

What do I do tomorrow when the French embassy get back in touch?

[Notwendy]

I am not sure I understand your post. What are you reporting her for? Two adults having a consensual relationship is not a crime. Yes, she may be in it for the money or not, and maybe he cares or not but that isn't a crime either.

You have gone through some effort to Google search this man, but what he is doing with your ex is an invasion of his privacy.

I don't know if you are in any legal difficulty due to your ex's allegations against you, but I don't know if reporting your ex would help you in any way. That would be up to a lawyer.

The relationship that is of most concern to you is that between the two of you. Would reporting her lead to any improvement or resolution of this situation for you?

[Chitchat]

You may be right that the relationship most of concern to me is between us. That is why I don't trust my own judgment. It's also why I joined the BPD family to post rather than go to a lawyer or tell authorities the full story. But, in the end, she is 35, he is 74. My elderly neighbour's bank account was emptied by his social worker.

[Notwendy]

Yes, it happens, but these two are consenting adults.

How can this board help you with your relationship? You mentioned that it is over, but you are here on the conflicting board. This isn't unusual as some relationships with BPD do go up and down. We can't predict or control what she ( or anyone else ) does but we can examine ourselves and our part in things.

[Chitchat]

Ok

[once removed]

hi Chitchat,

are you done with the relationship, looking to rekindle it?

[Chitchat]

Hi once removed

I have requested a three - month separation. She has reached out but blocked me. So I could be reporting my current or former partner or friend. My gut says I should be concerned for all three of us. I wonder if some visitors to these forums have been in a similar bind. You may move or delete this forum if you have concerns.

Chitchat

[Notwendy]

What would there be to report? Don't list details but what do you fear (in general).

[Chitchat]

Coercive and controlling behaviour, misrepresentation, extortion, assault and battery. Prostitution.

I do not have decisive proof any of these apply in the elderly man's case.

There is no reasonable doubt she has frequent intimate relations with elderly men, and all of the above apply in other relations she has with men and her attempts to conceal them. I am supported by her own verbal accounts and actions, 60 pages of chat messages between us, and reports to me from numerous sources.  

She is still someone I care and worry about, and want to believe in. She shows occasional remorse or shame for her actions, calling herself 'bad', but equally often puts me in that light or takes pride in her skills of deceit.

[Cat Familiar]

Are you wanting her to be charged with a crime?

[Chitchat]

No.

[Chitchat]

No.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm confused. If not reporting her to the police for a crime, then would you be contacting the elderly man you believe she's scamming?

[Notwendy]

You mentioned she could be reporting you, or your partners. What would she be reporting you about? ( in general, not details)

[Chitchat]

I have no partners besides her. She doesn't say what she would report me for. It started with her challenging me to hit her and threatening to report me for that. The first time I thought she meant to carry a threat through was for drawing her portrait. Her point seems to be that she doesn't need to tell me what she will report me for.

[Chitchat]

@Cat Familiar, I do have the option of contacting the elderly man directly. I don't think he would believe me. Six people warned me about her, and I didn't believe any of them. She could be denied visas in future, but more likely he would be asked if there are any problems between them. Twenty years ago the Foreign Office contacted my brother when he disappeared two months after marrying.

[once removed]

i think it would help to focus on your relationship with her, for now, and what your goal is with the three months separation. if you can tell us more about this, it will help:

1. how long have the two of you been together?
2. what led up to her assault on you? what happened? did you follow up legally?
3. what happened afterward... .have you seen her since? it sounds like shes in another country, do i have that right?
4. do you currently have any contact? you mentioned shed blocked access, do i have that right?

[Chitchat]

We met July 2017. I was on a short working holiday overseas in a country I knew from previous visits over 15 years. She is a naturalised citizen of that country.

She confessed to going with old men for money 'just while waiting for some money to come in' at the end of May 2018. Also to having sex with another man. He had been a point of contention for months. She acted like both confessions were funny. We were only four days away from a joint session with a counsellor, which she still wanted to attend, so I stuck to the plan, without much hope. She triangulated in the session. I told her outside the clinic that I wanted to go my own way. She didn't understand and pursued me for a few days. A few days later she called tearfully to say she had broken a shoe and had no money to fix it. I told her to find a new boyfriend who could buy her a shoe. That evening with a face like death she came into a bar, knowing I was in there, with the man she had sworn for months she had finished with. I had expected this or a similar provocation and made a sarcastic comment. She flew into a screaming rage so that the place came to a standstill, music stopped and everyone looking. The first word I spoke after this she started lashing me with fast high kicks (three, four, five?) to the groin and waist. I responded in kind with one kick to her rear. She came at me twice more. I responded the same way. She gave up the attack and demanded that management call police. I demanded the same and demanded to see cctv footage, but the incident had been in a blindspot. The next day she raged on the phone telling me to wait for her and the police at my house, and refused to give me a time - 'No! Easy for me!' I said I would go to my embassy. She screamed that I would never be able to visit her country again. I thought she started to cry at her own threat as it came out, although she was already hoarse with anger. She blocked me and the police visit never materialised. A week later I flew home for a family visit. I decided to contact my embassy and member of Parliament from home because I was concerned I would be barred from entering the country on my return. I arrived back in her country a month ago. She contacted me a week into my return stay, two months after the assault, asking how I was and sending the picture from France. She called three times. I replied by message to say I had contacted my embassy and would contact her local police if there were any more threats or attacks. She replied to say she understood but repeated the threat to go to her local police, then blocked me.

She had been fantasising the day off the confessions about travelling all round the world and visiting me one day during her travels.

[Chitchat]

Re: i think it would help to focus on your relationship with her, for now, and what your goal is with the three months separation.

Sounds like good advice, once removed. The aim of the separation was to show I'd honour boundaries I'd spelt out in February, get a new job without disruption, and reappraise things during no contact.

[once removed]

escalating things, threats (to report her to embassy), wont be conducive to reconciling your relationship.

has she expressed interest in reconciling at any point?

She replied to say she understood but repeated the threat to go to her local police, then blocked me.

was this the last contact between the two of you?

[Chitchat]

I appreciate your interest, once removed. I was afraid people would be judgmental or scared off of this story.

I suppose I'd appreciate any general comments, nor necessarily advice. I'm conflicted. Yes, I care for her. Yes, I need to focus on myself. No, I cannot in good conscience focus on either reconciling or detaching if she is hurting a vulnerable person. Yes, she's high spectrum uBPD. But there's something else wrong.

Now that people are sensing she's out of the country, I am beginning to hear more stories about her ruthless behaviour: latest story, last night, a detailed, distressed account of how she tried to take an 'old, old man' from a friend. The man telling me said he thinks she only wants money and 'can't stop'. This incident would have been at the start of our three month separation and the assault that followed. Another story, how she became enraged with jealousy and tried to hit an uninvolved female friend of a man. She made menacing comments about having connections in his place of work. She accused him of intending to cheat when he saw her apparently trying to cheat. Both the men had been trying to tell her I was the right partner for her (which I advised would not help), and she replied that she 'could not' and hates men.

My reporting her to authorities would presumably be a 'final discard'. Yes, the last contact with me was her retaliatory threat 6 August. She had tried to reach out. The photo she sent from France, possibly taken by the 74yo man, is truly terrifying, the worst I've seen of her: face concealed in shadow (usual); edit exposes a rictus smile, huge eyes, desperate unhappy empty expression. I'm afraid for all three of us. So much for three months' separation to sort my own life out.

[Notwendy]

I understand the feeling of a sense of duty to report unethical behavior. It is disturbing to know about it. The problem is- what can you do about it? If it isn't a crime, the law will not intervene. In the US, if one suspects elder abuse- we can contact social services. I don't know the situation in France though. In the US the person who reports it can stay anonymous.

What would happen next in the US is that they would do their own investigation to see if the situation is considered to be abuse. Also if the elder person is in sound mind, he would have to be willing to press charges.

If this woman is taking advantage of old men, and if they are in sound mind ( not legally incompetent to consent ) and not willing to press charges themselves- then there is very little any agency or you can do. People do have free will to make bad decisions. There is also the chance that these men don't mind spending their money to have some fun with a younger woman- not necessarily prostitution in the illegal sense but it isn't a crime to lavish gifts or give money to someone. Up until recently, the French legal system was not very strict about prostitution being illegal and it may not be something they aggressively pursue.

IMHO, if you wish to heal and move on, then focusing on your situation may help you. There really isn't anything you can do about this woman and the old men she goes with. They are consenting adults. Your task is to focus on you. If you choose to let go of this- then it may help you to not discuss this woman or her activities and have updates on them. She's going to make her own choices. Trying to intervene may keep you stuck.

If it makes you feel better and there is a French social services for the elderly, then having a conversation with them about what is reportable and what is not may help settle your conscience. Not keeping informed on her activities can also help.

[Chitchat]

Hi there, Notwendy

Your idea of contacting social services is helpful. Maybe I will ask the embassy for contact details.

'I understand the feeling of a sense of duty to report unethical behavior.'
My concern is not ethics, for example consensual prostitution, but welfare.

'If it isn't a crime... .'
Her conduct in her own country would certainly be illegal currently in the EU - eg Serious Crime Act 2015 Section 76 in the UK - 'coercive or controlling behaviour' - was created precisely for her type of conduct. But I have not been thinking of reporting her to police. I did take precautions against her making vexatious or false police complaints against me in her own country. 

Someone on another site advised in relation to a similar situation that it is enough to get word innocently somehow to the pwPD that their whereabouts are known. If there is anything untoward, the pwPD becomes paranoid, runs round putting out fires they have lit themselves, and destroys the relationship.

'Your task is to focus on you.'
Hm. I know. You are right. But it will not help me to know I did not do the right thing.