Marriage to Borderline

[Newyoungfather]

I never made it to the engagement part but I was curious to see what would be the average time.

[BeagleGirl]

Our divorce was finalized just shy of 23 years married.

[Panda39]

My SO was married to his uBPDxw 19 years.

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

My ex did not have a good childhood.  I didn't learn until later that her SF used to nap by day and roam the house at night - and the girls' bedroom.  So she had difficulty sleeping at night from the very first.  The BPD behaviors gradually developed... . periodic unfocused rages with cursing, denying conflict with coworkers, etc.  Think of the slowly boiling frog that doesn't hop out and gradually gets cooked.  I thought having a child would make her happy, instead it enabled her to relive her childhood fears through him.  Our prior decade of closeness was overwhelmed by her seeing me as a father, even comparing me to her SF.  We separated when he was 3 years old, the age she had always said her SF had come into their lives.

We had our child when we had been married 12 years.  Everything imploded in the next 3.5 years.  Now that we had a child, unwinding a failed marriage was so much more complicated with the immense custody and parenting issues.

Child at 12 years, separation at 15.5 years, divorce started 16 years, divorce ended 18 years, I became Legal Guardian 21 years, majority time 24 years.  Less than two years to go before our son is 18 and out of school.

Many here stayed with the BPD spouse thinking (1) I'm a Good Guy or Good Gal and its my personality not to stop trying, (2) I can fix him/her, (3) It's not that bad - the slowly boiling frog analogy, (4) we have kids and I stay for the kids because I can't see an easy way out otherwise.

[livednlearned]

I never made it to the engagement part but I was curious to see what would be the average time.

You are asking a question about the length of marriage when one partner is BPD.

Average time assumes you have some kind of parameters in mind.

There are lots of variables, here are some:

Does the person actually have clinically diagnosed BPD
If the person has BPD, are their comorbid diagnoses that complicate behaviors
What is the severity of the BPD/BPD traits
Does the other party have a PD
Is the non-BPD partner emotionally immature/reactive
If diagnosed, has the BPD sufferer been in treatment
Are kids involved
Socioeconomic status
Does either partner have a substance abuse problem
Is there infidelity with both or one partner
Has the non-BPD partner learned specific relationship and communication skills
Is the non-BPD partner in therapy or does he have DBT skills
Is the non-BPD partner high-conflict

I'm sure there are other variables.

Not sure what "average time" would tell you.

Also, not all people with BPD are high conflict.

[ForeverDad]

Also, not all people with BPD are high conflict.

Christine Ann Lawson wrote The Borderline Mother and she described four personas... .waif, hermit, queen, witch.  Two which are more acting-in and two which are more acting-out.  The problem is that a person can move/morph from one persona to another depending on the circumstances.

In the year before our marriage imploded, my ex was in bed a lot.  I would get up, make breakfast, feed son and then ask her to come out to care for our toddler.  She would scream at me to leave but not get up.  Eventually she did get up, would lie on the couch and curse me out as I left.

However, in the final months, with all our friends and relatives blacklisted and driven away by then, she had no one left to Blame or Blame Shift on but me.  So she morphed from moaning and groaning in bed into a queen or witch, very entitled, she knew best and I was garbage (one step lower than whale poo according to the cartoon movie).  Things got worse quickly.

I assume she is BPD, she fit most of the BPD traits, and some Narcissistic traits too with all her entitlement.  But in reviewing the Cluster B PDs, I noticed she fit every single one of the Paranoid PD traits.  Since I didn't get on any PPD sites, here I am.

As has been said, people with BPD behaviors are consistently inconsistent and predictably unpredictable.  There are overall patterns that can be predictable in general but quite a variety among them.

As LnL noted, the length of a BPD marriage is determined by many factors, the biggest are not just about the other spouse, but also about us.  Quite a few variables there, including the couple's financial circumstances, local support, etc.  And if there are minor children then that adds an entire magnitude of complexity to an already difficult scenario.

[40days_in_desert]

My marriage to my uBPDxw was almost exactly 14.5 years on the date of separation and 17.5 years on the date of official divorce decree being entered.
My ex was largely Waif the first 12 years of the marriage with outbursts of anger increasing in frequency as the last few years of the relationship approached. The last two years we were together and the first two years post separation could be described much more like the Witch.

[Enabler]

Together 21 years, married 17 years although in divorce process now.

She's left twice before but this is the first time we've done the divorce bit.

[livednlearned]

Christine Ann Lawson wrote The Borderline Mother and she described four personas... .waif, hermit, queen, witch.  Two which are more acting-in and two which are more acting-out.  The problem is that a person can move/morph from one persona to another depending on the circumstances.

Bill Eddy does not describe high-conflict people based on this.

He describes high-conflict person (HCP) as someone who recruits negative advocates, has a target of blame, is a persuasive blamer, and who has a PD.

Someone with a PD is not always a high-conflict person, but someone who is high-conflict typically has a PD of some kind.

The most severe BPD sufferers will struggle with chronic suicidal ideation and self-harm. BPD is considered by some researchers to be a fatal disease because the suicide completion rate is so high.

Newyoungfather, what are you hoping to learn from your question?

[takingandsending]

I also think the four archetypes are a very generalized description of pwBPD. And on this board, I bet most of us would be inclined to say our ex spouses/partners fall into the acting out kind, simply because divorce makes even people without a PD act out less kindly. It's just a whole lot of stress, which rarely brings out the best in any of us.

As far as length of partnership or marriage, I also have a hunch that most of us who married a pwBPD have some common behaviors ourselves which, to the degree those behaviors are present, may be a better predictor of life expectancy of a relationship with a pwBPD. For example, poor boundaries, enabling/co-dependent behaviors, low self-esteem. If these were not present within me, I think it is less likely that I would have been attracted to my xw, and certainly would have shortened the duration of my relationship.

I think this is a good community where we can learn, not only about the often difficult and troubling behaviors of pwBPD in our lives, but also, a bit about ourselves and our own roles in the complex relationships in which we find ourselves. At least, that's my hope. I hope eventually to have another relationship that is stable, supportive and fostered on understanding and mutual respect. But, I don't want to embark on that without understanding how I came to be where I am standing right now.

My 2 cents.

[Newyoungfather]

Sorry everyone for the late reply, had so many issues this past month with my son and his mother.
@LivedNLearned, sometimes I wonder if staying with the mother of my child would have resulted in more time off the bat when my son was born.  I filed shortly after he was born and only got about 4 hours a week since he was so long.   Just thinking about what I could have done different to obtain more time.