the kids finally refused to visit my hubby

[soundofmusicgirl]

for those who have been following.
We live overseas. My hubby was supposed to meet his kids for fall break at the airport closest to them in the US. He was going to take them on a plane to see his Dad (their grandfather) in another state. For weeks my stepsons have been complaining about how thy do not want to go and we can't force them and how this state is in another country (clearly their 6th grade education has not helped them get a grasp on US states yet) and there are lots of criminals there. Then they went on to say that my hubby does not treat them well and if he would treat them better they would enjoy his visits. Then they said he shook them last summer (2017) ... remember we were in court a few months after that summer visit and BPDxw never said a word about any of those accusations.

So yesterday was the day. My hubby met boys in the airport. Boys did not even look at him (they are 12 yrs now). Went on to say how they do not want to go and repeated everything mentioned above. My husband was prepared and told them that he will be sad as he wants to spend time with them but if they do not want to go he will not force them. They apparently looked at him in disbelief and said "really"?". Then he let them call their mom to tell her to come pick them up. She was there in less then one minute (I guess she never left the airport). In the meantime though BPDxw had called the airline and reported that there were kids that did not want to go with their father and were forced to and that they should call the police. By the time the police arrived at the scene (all still in the airport) BPDxw had the kids back in custody and he police was confused and thought she was the one that was forcing the kids. So they talked to her first and gave her a talking to. Then they asked my husband. He explained he had a court order. Police wanted to know whether he was ok with relinquishing custody to her. He said no, but he can't and won't force the boys. In the brief 2 minutes my husband had custody of the boys in the airport he gave them their birthday presents and had a mini birthday party and gave them a ton of treats he brought for them.

And that was the end. And will be the end for us. Until the day the kids realise what is happening and will come to visit out of their own free will.

[Harri]

Ooof.  How is your husband doing?  You said he was prepared, but still, this had to hurt a lot.  It took a lot of courage and strength to still give them their gifts and have a small party for them.  I hope they can see the significance of that and the fact that he did not force them.  It speaks volumes of how he respects them as people and can separate his own pain from them.

Maybe sometime a bit in the future, you and he might consider keeping cards, photos, letters you write and little momento's in a box for each of the kids when they get older and hopefully realize what has happened.  The will see he never gave up on them.  Doing this can also help your husband process some of his feelings as well.

I am so sorry things got to the place they did with the kids.

[Panda39]

soundofmusicgirl,

I'm so sorry   I can only imagine how painful this is I'm so sad for you both.  I do understand though, it comes down to how long you are willing to bang your head against a particular wall, what is good for you and what you think is best for the boys under these circumstances.

You made your best choice under the worst circumstances.   

My wish for you is that they figure it out and come around.

Heartbroken,
Panda39

[livednlearned]

Oh soundofmusicgirl. That is so painful to read. Your H must've reached the end of his long, long rope. I can only imagine the conflicting feelings he must have.

[CoherentMoose]

Oh my. Sorry to read. Have you read the Bill Eddy "Don't Alienate the Kids" book? If you haven't, suggest you both read it and see if you can't brainstorm and come of with a couple of "outside the box" ideas to continue to try and maintain contact. Good luck and God bless. jdc

[soundofmusicgirl]

Thank you everyone for your comments and empathy. My husband saw his sons one last time today during a church event. They hid behind their mother when he came in (they are 12 yrs of age now). Would not look at him, would not even recognise his presence.
It is extremely painful for my husband (and for me as well).
It will take a long time to heal from this for my husband.