Object relations and splitting

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My uBPD/uNPD H likes to get drunk in the company of his friends.  Falling down drunk.  As in 12-beers-in-an-evening drunk.  Needless to say, H is not a 20-something and able to process the alcohol, yet he drinks like one.

I speculate that he does this because, as a BPD, H not only does not know who he is, but does not like the empty shell he sees himself as.  The alcohol helps him forget this emptiness, and he becomes another person.

H defines himself by the company of his friends, and becoming one of the guys (absorbing their personalities and views) gives him the assumed identity H craves.  H often likes to spend entire weekends as guest of these friends.  I elect to stay at home to care for the horses and other animals, but also I don't like seeing H get loaded.    He is a loud and stupid drunk.

If I am part of the company at these gatherings, or even the hostess, I am no more than a barmaid to bring him yet another beer or make sure all the guest are fed, and I am otherwise ignored.  I would rather not be witness to the spectacle.

H will call me late in the afternoon as he anticipates getting drunk and forgetting to call.  As midnight approaches, and I don't get a call, I can safely assume he is drunk and has forgotten me, or has gone to bed drunk.

I chalk this up not only to the drunkenness, but also the object relations limitations of the BPD.  When he is not seeing me, he is not thinking of me, and therefore not calling me.  I am sure, though, that he is on social media daily interacting with his adult children.

Other friends at these parties, although drunk, will excuse himself to make a call to his wife.

This might be the issue that is non-negotiable.  I have researched my family law rights and have a copy of Bill Eddy's, "Splitting."  I once cried to the depths of my soul when H hurt me like this, now I am at the righteous anger stage.

Any comments or insights?

[AskingWhy]

My uBPD/uNPD H likes to get drunk in the company of his friends.  Falling down drunk.  As in 12-beers-in-an-evening drunk.  Needless to say, H is not a 20-something and able to process the alcohol, yet he drinks like one.

I speculate that he does this because, as a BPD, H not only does not know who he is, but does not like the empty shell he sees himself as.  The alcohol helps him forget this emptiness, and he becomes another person.

H defines himself by the company of his friends, and becoming one of the guys (absorbing their personalities and views) gives him the assumed identity H craves.  H often likes to spend entire weekends as guest of these friends.  I elect to stay at home to care for the horses and other animals, but also I don't like seeing H get loaded.    He is a loud and stupid drunk.

If I am part of the company at these gatherings, or even the hostess, I am no more than a barmaid to bring him yet another beer or make sure all the guest are fed, and I am otherwise ignored.  I would rather not be witness to the spectacle.

H will call me late in the afternoon as he anticipates getting drunk and forgetting to call.  As midnight approaches, and I don't get a call, I can safely assume he is drunk and has forgotten me, or has gone to bed drunk.

I chalk this up not only to the drunkenness, but also the object relations limitations of the BPD.  When he is not seeing me, he is not thinking of me, and therefore not calling me.  I am sure, though, that he is on social media daily interacting with his adult children.

Other friends at these parties, although drunk, will excuse himself to make a call to his wife.

This might be the issue that is non-negotiable.  I have researched my family law rights and have a copy of Bill Eddy's, "Splitting."  I once cried to the depths of my soul when H hurt me like this, now I am at the righteous anger stage.

Any comments or insights?

[formflier]

Let's assume that your thoughtful analysis is spot on.  How does that affect what you do this week, month... .year?

FF

[Notwendy]

BPD and alcoholism are not mutually exclusive. Identifying someone as an alcoholic is on the basis of the behavior- excessive drinking, not the reasons for the drinking. While not all pwBPD are alcoholics, and not all alcoholics have BPD, the dynamics between alcoholic families and families with a disordered member are similar. In many cases, there is a partner who in some way is enabling the behavior- making excuses for it, minimizing it, or covering it up for the person.

The original AA Blue Book was written in a different era but the dynamics are still relevant in our times. In the book, the alcoholics are men, and their wives were sweet, understanding and supportive women. The authors, former alcoholic men, focused on the men as the ones with the problem. Then somehow they realized that the sweet. loving, supportive wives were somehow keeping their husbands addicted. The idea of enabling evolved and there is a chapter in the book written to the wives. We know now that alcoholics can be men or women, married to men or women, but the potential pairing up of alcoholic/enabler seems to be consistent. This is the foundation of Alanon- for the partners.

You can not control his drinking, but you can control your contribution to any of it- any excusing, reasoning, or caretaking. One idea is the sentence you wrote:

If I am part of the company at these gatherings, or even the hostess, I am no more than a barmaid to bring him yet another beer or make sure all the guest are fed, and I am otherwise ignored.  I would rather not be witness to the spectacle.


He can get his own beer, and his own food for the guests, and you don't have to be there.

What other things can you do to make him responsible for his own drinking?

[formflier]

Has your husband been Dx with anything related to his alcohol?  Has your hubby been Dx with a mental illness?

Perhaps another way of asking, what Dx does your hubby have for any physical and mental conditions.

I see that you use the term "uBPD"... .but don't want to assume anything. 

FF

[AskingWhy]

FF and notwendy, thank you for the replies.

H is not an alcoholic in the conventional sense, but he will binge when with his friends.  He is a different person, laughing and doing stupid things--a happy Mr. Hyde.  H will go the whole work week without a beer or cocktail, then in two weeks will attend a gathering and get wasted.  I think H needs the mood-altering of the alcohol is feel good about himself.  The friends are mostly military buddies and have considerable combat bonding.

The only other diagnosis is PTSD from the VA about 10 years ago.  This misdiagnosis is common in men whose counselors see BPD as a woman's disorder.  I am sure he did not tell the T about his rages, name calling me, destruction of items and punching holes in the walls of the home.  I am quite certain he presented me as the problem as I am depressed over the years of dysregulation.

The best deterrent from drinking is having his children know about the consequences, such as if he gets a DUI.  H's need to be perfect in front of his children is paramount to him.  I have used this fear in order to get him to be aware of the possible consequences of the drinking.  A DUI will cancel our insurance and have impacts on home ownership and liability of my family business.

[Notwendy]

Part of living with a pwBPD is each partner being responsible for themselves. It is mentioned on the site you posted as well. Also, taking note of behaviors of the other person- are they deal breakers? (ie if someone is committing criminal acts, that may be a situation one would not stay married in, but although getting drunk with buddies may not be good to do, and it is bothersome to you, if it isn't a deal breaker, then you can choose to not participate or facilitate it. If he is drinking with his buddies, you don't have to be there, host the food, bring him a beer. Simply say " honey, I feel uncomfortable in this situation" and go do something else.

Drunk driving is different situation in that it could endanger the driver and other drivers on the road. I don't consider driving a drunk driver home being enabling. It's avoiding a possibly life threatening situation. However, should he choose on his own to drive drunk, without you knowing about it, then there is little you could do. If you know he is on the road drunk you can call the police.

Another issue that is making things difficult is taking his behavior personally. Much of a person's behavior is more about him than you. If he doesn't call you when he is with his buddies, taking it personally only causes you to feel sad and resentful. If he is all about his kids, making this about you only leads to resentment. We know that BPD affects the most intimate of all relationships- he is going to act differently with you because of this, because of his BPD. If this isn't a deal breaker to you and you choose to stay with him, this is something you would have to let go as he isn't likely to change it.

He has issues regulating his emotions. If he is being verbally or physically abusive to you, your job is to keep yourself safe. If you are trying to make positive changes, looking at your own behavior is something to consider as we can change ourselves but not someone else. He is who he is. What aspects of the relationship are within your power to make a change with, and which ones can you choose to not let bother you?