Riding out an extended meltdown

[stolencrumbs]

Not entirely sure what the point of this post is, except that I sometimes read people say to others "come here and post instead of doing x,y, or z (thing that doesn't work or makes things worse.)" So I'm taking that offer, I suppose.

My uBPD wife is in an extended period of pretty acute dysregulation. It's been about a week. On the plus side, nothing has been broken yet. Partly that is because our storm door is apparently stronger than the hammer she took to it. On the not-so-plus side, suicide talk has increased.

I'm not sure what triggered it. I was in the middle of doing things at our house (painting trim, mostly) that she wants (demands) be done. I finished the rooms I was working on on Monday, and on Tuesday she wouldn't talk to me. Wednesday was more ST. Thursday night was angry emails. Friday was complete blowup, Saturday was endless crying and screaming, and Sunday was trying to break the storm door and asking me what she should do with the dogs (before she kills herself--at least that is what I inferred), among lots more screaming and crying. Monday and Tuesday back to ST, and now I'm being inundated with emails and texts. I torture her. I keep her trapped. She's done with this life. Why did I do this to her? Who does this?

I predict that soon I will get the "DO NOT IGNORE ME" texts. I offered to come over earlier. (I don't live at home. I don't really live anywhere, but I sleep in my office.) I've offered to come over pretty much every day. I've used the "tools" as best as I know how to. My T recommends not responding to emails and texts like the ones I'm getting. She actually recommends not reading them, but I'm not there yet. So I suppose I'm trying to not respond. Posting here instead. And trying to get some work done. And hoping things don't get too bad.   

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry that you've been dealing with this.      As you've realized, there's not much more that you can do other than ride out the situation.

I agree with your T that it would be better for you not to read all the incoming attacks, but that's easier said than done. She's gonna do what she's gonna do. And you are doing your best by carrying on. Not easy.   

Cat

[BasementDweller]

Hi, stolencrumbs  

I'm sorry to hear about this very rough sounding situation. I remember those days with my ex toward the end when he went off the deep end. You feel so helpless, frustrated, and scared, and also like throwing your hands up and just giving up. It's horrible to be lashed out at like that, and all that goes with it. It's really hard to know what the hell to do.

Are you aware what triggered this recent episode? How are things right now?

BD

[stolencrumbs]

You feel so helpless, frustrated, and scared, and also like throwing your hands up and just giving up. It's horrible to be lashed out at like that, and all that goes with it. It's really hard to know what the hell to do.

Are you aware what triggered this recent episode? How are things right now?

BD

Yes to all of that. A thousand times yes.

I don't know what triggered it specifically. In general, things are better when I can devote all of my time to her. I took a Friday and Monday off work and worked on things at the house. She was okay during this. Tuesday I went to work and by Tuesday night things were not okay. Looking back, when I started working more about 5 years ago is when things started getting really bad. I used to teach all my classes on T and Th, and I was home most of the other days. Then I took an administrative job along with teaching, and I'm now at work 4 1/2 days a week. I don't think she's ever adjusted to this or been okay with this. So I think my going back to work on Tuesday after four days at home triggered abandonment. She tells me I love my job more than her, won't make time for her, choose everything over her, etc. That's my best guess, though at this point, pretty much anything seems to be a trigger.

I haven't heard from her today. Emails stopped at about midnight last night with no overt threats to destroy things or kill herself.

[Red5]

Hello stolencrumbs,

Sorry that you are having to deal wit this... .I know how it wears you down, for sure... .

She tells me I love my job more than her, won't make time for her, choose everything over her, etc.

I get this too from time to time, .usually about the time I have to travel a few days for my job... .

So I think my going back to work on Tuesday after four days at home triggered abandonment.

Me too !... .my udx wife used to work, she had a great career, but she got sick, and she resigned... .I remember all the nights sitting with her on the back porch listening to all the problems she was having at her job, and her coworkers... .on and on she would drone... .but later, after she resigned, I was never allowed to even say how my own day went, it was like she was jealous of my own career, ~> second career as I am retired from the service, and now I am civil service... .

... .as it was said above, "they are going to do what they are going to do"... .best to just ride it out man... .and ignore (boundaries) as much as you can... .but using the tools, ie' SET when you can.

Best wishes, Red5

[stolencrumbs]

So tonight she threatened to burn the house the down. Texted me that “it all burns tonight” and that I won’t get the dogs. I drove over to the house. I could see matches being lit inside. I went to the door. Dogs started barking. She stood in front of the door (glass door) and lit matches and threw them on the carpet, one after the other. I unlocked the door, went inside and stamped out matches she was lighting. She started trying to light some paper on fire. I put that out. Eventually she stopped. She yelled at me for a while. Then went to sleep.

Whatever the tools are for dealing with this, I don’t think I have them.

[AskingWhy]

So tonight she threatened to burn the house the down. Texted me that “it all burns tonight” and that I won’t get the dogs. I drove over to the house. I could see matches being lit inside. I went to the door. Dogs started barking. She stood in front of the door (glass door) and lit matches and threw them on the carpet, one after the other. I unlocked the door, went inside and stamped out matches she was lighting. She started trying to light some paper on fire. I put that out. Eventually she stopped. She yelled at me for a while. Then went to sleep.

Whatever the tools are for dealing with this, I don’t think I have them.

stolencrumbs, I am sorry this is happening.  For the record, burning down the house is exactly what my uBPD/uNPD H once said when he threatened to divorce me years ago--so he would not have to split the marital home.   

H went back to his pleasant persona the next day.  (H's cycles only last for a few days at the most.)  The divorce threats still continue, but H has never again mentioned burning the house down.

As your W is actively playing with fire, I urge you to contact your local mental health agency for help.  This has the potential to be dangerous.  Your W may not want to burn down the house, but may start a fire that turns out of control.  Saying one is burning down a house and then slamming a door is different from actually lighting matches and throwing them on the carpet and attempting to light paper on fire. 

This has the potential to be very serious.

[Cat Familiar]

IMO, this warrants a 911 call for a psychiatric hold. Not only is she risking both yours and her lives she's also putting the neighborhood in peril as well as first responders.

[stolencrumbs]

IMO, this warrants a 911 call for a psychiatric hold. Not only is she risking both yours and her lives she's also putting the neighborhood in peril as well as first responders.

I don't disagree, and if it happens again, that's what I'll do. She has threatened to burn down the house before, but never (to my knowledge) started throwing matches around. In the moment, calling the police was not on my mind. It's crazy how far my perception of "normal" gets shifted. I obviously know this behavior is not normal, but at some point last night it really hit me how bad everything is--a "I can't believe this is our life" moment.

I don't have a lot of confidence that an involuntary hold will do much good. Would love to hear anyone's experience with that. I've discussed it with my T. The likely outcome is some time in the ER and maybe some time in the one psych hospital here that is almost always full or over capacity. A commitment longer than 72 hours seems unlikely, and my state has no involuntary outpatient commitment. I recognize that at some point this is likely the route I will have to go, for my safety, her safety, and the safety of others. I wish I was more convinced that it would increase safety for more than three days. I fear it will make things much worse after those three days.